Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

Wow welcome Shannon! Your talk was awesome and made such an impact on me after my ex blew our lives apart. I thought you were ACTUALLY stunning and brave (😂) to identify yourself. I think we're all so proud of this thread and its heroic starter TinselAngel as it has connected and empowered us so much.

I'm so happy to see this! I am Shannon Thrace of the TED talk, the podcast and a now mostly-deactivated blog.

Women often ask me where to find support and suggest I start a support group, but I don't have the time. (I've just finished up a book on my experience and am working on getting that out there).

I love the three points at the beginning of this thread, especially "It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate."

This will wreck your relationship, your sex life, your finances, and likely, your reputation, if your ex takes the path of so many and decides to sabotage and lie about you.

All my love to anyone who's going through this. It's a special kind of devastating.

That video TinselAngel and Hayton is so public, it must be awful

Well her delicate little lady hands can manage only little lady taps on doors. Similarly her delicate little size 11 lady feet can only tiptoe most carefully up and my drive

I guess those of us who have to have huge boundaries and go grey rock stonewall too. My ex has a little habit when he picks DD up. He creeps up the drive, taps so quietly on the door (fragile lady tap) no one hears unless they are right next to it. He immediately goes back to the car. I notice the car outside because it's that time (and the feeling of icy dread) and simultaneously a text arrives "No answer again. Waiting in the car!" I get DD's shoes on and send her to the car but ignore his text.

Thanks @Weezol. Sounds daft but I'm glad it isn't just me! I hadn't come across stonewalling before but it completely fits with what they do.

In a way, it feels a little similar to gaslighting as well, in that i know that i've sent the message, i know it's real, but i also kniw that they will deny it, say i'm insane and imagining things etc.

Argh.

It is sooo incredibly frustrating and endless.

I am so glad that i found this board.

It feels abusive because it is abusive.

In the words of Daniel Goleman: “Stonewalling sends a powerful, unnerving message, something like a combination of icy distance …and distaste… as a habitual response, stonewalling is devastating to the health of a relationship; it cuts off all possibility of working out disagreements.”

That sounds incredibly familiar @imablackstarnotapopstar. It is very reassuring that the courts see through it though. I think they must see it a lot unfortunately. :( my ex definitely used the entire thing as a soapbox for transgender rights, and still doesn't understand the needs of the children. I hope that your children (and yourself!) Are now recovering and far betterfor being well away from him!

I am awaiting a letter saying that we're going back to court.

My ex has, unusually, not exploded at me in any sort of ranting tyrade in response to my message. In fact I still haven't had a direct response at all even after responding to their mother's message. If anything this makes me more nervous, as it feels like it's all bubbling away somewhere. Nothing has been acknowledged, let alone agreed to.

Indirect contact with my boys went ok last night (facetime, which i observe) though the boys were obviously still feeling uncomfortable after last weekend.

I'm on edge. If my message isn't acknowledged, then i know from previous experience that it's being ignored/disregarded on purpose (because i'm insane/deluded) and that they will expect to still have contact again in a few months time as usual... or that they're planning to return to court (again, because i'm being insane) so that they can get custody of the children.

The non-response feels abusive in itself, but I don't know that there is anything I can do about it.

He was an emotionally abusive and adulterous husband and is no doubt a narcissist but he had no way of claiming victim status or find others to cheer him on until he transitioned.

Eggotchi - I've been where you are and the courts were extremely supportive as were Cafcass and children's services. At one point ex launched into a tale of the transphobic abuse he has suffered and the judge stopped him and said - "this isn't about you, this is about DD and you will not use this court's time to further your agenda. It's clear to me you have absolutely no regard for her feelings or needs, only your own." Ex then accused the judge, my solicitor, the court usher and all the other court staff of being transphobic and he was at risk of violence against him and demanded police protection. You can imagine the response. When I went to the toilet they actually advised that I was never alone and sent my solicitor with me, because they were concerned ex would come in and then make up something I had done to him. The judges and Cafcass are seeing this kind of shit more and more I think.

eggotchi lots of hugs and flowers . Also no doughnuts alas but there is cake

Thanks @TinselAngel. It is easier than it used to be, and I know that I'm emotionally much stronger and far more capable of 'grey rock' than I ever used to be. I'm also mush less likely to put up with all her shit.. but it still feels scary and I guess it always will do to some extent.

I'll get there!! It's nice knowing that I'm not on my own!

Boundary Badge has a good ring to it

thank you @BeUpStanding x

I like the Boundary Badge!

Eggotchi and sorry for the cross post. For what it's worth, and I've not been in your shoes so can only speak from more general experience, I think you do right to make sure you've done everything you're comfortable with that clearly demonstrates you're the better party. The situation sounds absolutely horrendous. Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug x