Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

945 replies

TinselAngel · 06/01/2019 12:47

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity" Hmm

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.
OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
BettyDuMonde · 16/01/2019 21:22

I don’t see why ‘transwidow’ is so offensive when ‘deadname’ is a universally accepted name in the protrans world?

Well, I do, because it’s a name ex wives and girlfriends are choosing for themselves, and god forbid ordinary cunty women are allowed to do such a thing.

The hypocrisy stinks.

Iused2BanOptimist · 16/01/2019 19:51

Agreed Kei. Declaring oneself a lesbian is also rather taking the piss out of women who didn't sign up for that when they married. However I agree with Tinsel and respect the important public service this thread provides. I will ask for my posts to be deleted as I don't belong on this thread and nor do my jokes.

KeiTeNgeNge · 16/01/2019 19:33

If my husband decided out of the blue that he was a woman that would be the end of our marriage. I am not gay and I didn’t sign up to marry a women.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 16/01/2019 19:03

I agree with you Optimist, I just wouldn't want a fellow trans widow to come to this thread for support and find we'd been taking the piss out of her, or somebody in a similar situation. (Granted it's an unlikely scenario in this case!)

OP posts:
Iused2BanOptimist · 16/01/2019 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 16/01/2019 18:30

I feel bad now. In the spirit of sisterly solidarity, we probably shouldn't take the piss.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinselAngel · 16/01/2019 13:36

Even making a coffee is stunning and brave.

OP posts:
Iused2BanOptimist · 16/01/2019 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oldermum156 · 15/01/2019 14:56

If you don't angrily stick up for your newly "female" wife you are accused of not being enough of an ally and a secret transphobe and of harboring secret bigotry. You can't go too far in being protective and attacking everyone else to make your new wife feel fragile and protected and properly feminine now.
No one ever protects you.

Iused2BanOptimist · 14/01/2019 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 14/01/2019 21:47

We'll still be here when she eventually needs us.

OP posts:
Katvonbatshitmermaid · 13/01/2019 20:54

Funny how that seems to go just one way eh tinsel

Original poster
TinselAngel · 13/01/2019 20:31

Surely if we identify as something, she should respect that....

OP posts:
Katvonbatshitmermaid · 13/01/2019 19:09

And here we have Amanda "I've actually always been a lesbian, i just didn't realise" Knox telling other women how they should feel when their husbands decide to become "women". I find her toe curlingly obnoxious. She really reminds me of a religious fundamentalist.

Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..
Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..
socialworker222 · 13/01/2019 18:15

Re.meeting in person... probably impossible but I was put in touch with a friend of frend of friend TW and had two of the most amazing and meaningful hours of my life drinking and talking. If anyone gets the chance to be with someone in this boat take it....

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2019 15:23

KitkatX4 I am so sorry for all you are going through.

Just to say about whether someone can help something or not, it-s my view even of s person genuinely cannot help their behaviour, you can still choose not to accept it.

Your ex may wish to walkvhis daughters down the aisle or teach his son's to shave. Whether they let him do so or not can be their choice. It seems very old fashioned now for dad to walk his daughter down the aisle! Maybe they won't marry, or don't marry a man or don't want dad doing the walking. But I'd say that will be your kid's choices. So don't stress. He has hurt you a lot. Focus on you, now, not on him.

I'm not a trans widow so feel free to ignore me.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 13/01/2019 15:20

They usually say they'd have to kill themselves.

OP posts:
StartAgainat60 · 13/01/2019 14:48

Going through the same currently as KitKat. But he continues to live a double life, but beyond stressful.
Adult dd about to leave home.
Just trying to bide my time.
I have asked about the 'choice' issue and get the same response. He saying that he would be committed to an Institution if he had to remain a 'man'. Life sucks.
Thank you for all your support.
MN helping enormously, just to know I am not alone!!!!
One day at a time.
Soon to move on to a brighter/calmer future

Original poster
TinselAngel · 13/01/2019 14:21

I sometimes wish there was a safe way for women in our position to get together in person,

Now I'm tempted to try and make that happen as it would be such a subversive act!

OP posts:
socialworker222 · 13/01/2019 11:15

I feel so much for you Kitkat. It is a long job but you will eventually get through. These would sound like trite platitudes if some of us hadn't been through this. It's bloody awful. A living bereavement complicated by having to go through it in the current identity-political climate. Ideal timing for him of course but so hard for you and your kids. Please remember you are being entirely reasonable and are surrounded by groups like this and vast swathes of the public who would entirely understand why you feel as you do. Get support, focus on the practical, look after yourself and your kids. It will get better. I sometimes wish there was a safe way for women in our position to get together in person, but the sentiment is the same. Hang on in there.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 12/01/2019 21:41

Well done for making the final break KitkatX4, your life will be easier and more peaceful from now on.

With regards to the "no choice" thing, my ex was exactly the same. I remember being incredulous that he was not more sad that he was turning our lives upside down. He was pretty much shrugging his shoulders.

Subsequently I've concluded it's bollocks. It what they convince themselves of so they don't have to feel any guilt, and they all egg each other on that this is the case.

OP posts:
KitkatX4 · 12/01/2019 20:44

So my soon to be ex had stated right before Christmas that he wanted to go back to marriage therapy. He then said it had to be someone who affirmed him in his “trans woman” status but also my beliefs. I know no such therapist exists! So I’ve been in a weird limbo for a bit, but actually just told him when he came by to get the kids that I was done, I want out!

He moved out 6 months ago but still had hope I’d “accept” him I think as nothing has been done with repairs to get the house on the market. I could barely look at him today since he was most obviously wearing women’s jeans. I literally broke down in my room. He really thinks it’s not a choice, this is who he is and it’s sad that I don’t love him enough to stay with him.

I’m mourning my past, present and future. I’m sad for myself but also for my kids! He really thinks he’ll walk his daughters down the aisle some day and have a father/daughter dance with them. That he’ll be able to teach his sons to shave their face while he may not need to while on hormones.

How the heck does he feel he has no choice? That he’ll die unless he does this? To live a life with no control over myself and my choices seems stupid! I know I have choices and thoughts that can take me over if I let them. I have 6 months until I can file for divorce and I’m not happy at all. I’m dreading life either direction right now.

QuinnMovesOn · 12/01/2019 19:09

Also to the poster who is bi... I had to deal with that too. My older daughter asked me whether I could stay in the marriage, because I had dated women before marrying my ex. I had to explain to her that the situation had nothing to do with sexual compatibility. Lack of trust, endless broken promises, and years of neglect... nothing was ever going to get us past that.

QuinnMovesOn · 12/01/2019 19:04

I just wanted to say this to the transwidow who is afraid of losing all of her friends... my experience was the complete reverse. A lot of mutual friends told me after I announced the divorce that they were there for me and glad I had done this as quickly as I had. One friend said he had wanted to tell me to get out of the marriage ASAP but didn't feel he could say that to me.

As for my ex... a few of my friends started out as very supportive of my "brave transitioning ex-husband" and after seeing all the narcissism, all the selfies and "don't I look wonderful now as a woman" crap, they are no longer friends with my ex. My ex has alienated almost all of our former mutual friends.

Leggedit · 12/01/2019 00:45

Socialworker, I can't take the credit for the transcript, it was Pencils.
I will check out the response to the WH piece