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Original poster

Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

945 replies

TinselAngel · 06/01/2019 12:47

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity" Hmm

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.
OP posts:
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13
birdsdestiny · 09/02/2019 15:28

Yes many us stand with you. I am not sure if that even helps but we are there anyway Flowers

StartAgainat60 · 09/02/2019 13:51

Great MNet support out there. Thanks.
Feeling a bit more together. One big difference is not waking up crying, as I have done for many years. (Life goes on). Couldn't see a way out before but I'm starting to see more clearly!!
Long talks with friends helps. (But am reluctant to tell the the real reason why we split). So hard to find the words.
Anyway, keeping busy.
House hunting soon for a small property just for ME.
Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2019 13:31

Power to you ladies/women. Flowers

You deserve to be happy. You will get there. Find the things that make life fun. Ebrace the things that you laugh. I'm not a trans widow but I've had anxiety and I realise am coming out of some mild depression which has affected life for about two years, and affected my health.

Having been eating very unhealthy for years I am noe on a healthy diet (for me, I am diabetic), have trans 'issues' in the family (not dh) and learn frequently just now important respite is! So whether it's a nice meal, a hearty belly laugh at a brilliant TV show or a long chat with a good friend; it doesn't take away the issues but it energizes the mind (and sometimes the body too) for the next step.

Keeping our minds healthy is so vital. Do the things that make you happy as much and as often as you can.

Flowers Smile Cake Grin Bear Wink Glitterball XX

Datun · 09/02/2019 12:26

Just letting you know that there are very many women reading this with their metaphorical arms around you all.

We don't all post, because your experiences are unique to you and we don't want to make assumptions or presume.

But we're here. Loads of us.

Flowers
moimichme · 09/02/2019 12:02

It is so like divorce plus bereavement. A double whammy of grief. I cried so much for weeks, having my sister to talk to really helped (she knew most of the story as it went along, unlike everyone else). Later, lots of people came to my side to support me when they saw what an arrogant narcissist he was, deep down. Flowers and Wine for those who are going through it now - you will be okay.

StartAgainat60 · 08/02/2019 08:56

Crying a lot.
No going back......
It passes.
Trying to keep busy with family and friends.
Keep moving forward (somehow)Flowers

userschmoozer · 07/02/2019 17:34

StartAgainat60 I went to every free event I could find locally, just to get out of the house and my own head. Or just a walk in the park. At first I had no interest in anything, it took a while to get that back.
Its like divorce plus bereavement.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 07/02/2019 17:29

Hope today was a better day Start.

OP posts:
2ndWaveFeminist · 06/02/2019 23:17

Flowers and Wine for all of you brave ladies. I'd started away from this thread until as it felt like it was yours only and of course it is but reading through it has been shocking and necessary I think to understand the full picture.

The story & picture of Favia Shock I have almost no words and certainly none I am allowed to say here

Original poster
TinselAngel · 06/02/2019 21:41

Gin is also good. Gin

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socialworker222 · 06/02/2019 20:45

Hello Start. All your feelings are entirely okay and normal! You will be up and down for a long time. This is complex living bereavement at the worst possible time in terms of gender politics. It always passes. It improves over time. And it is helped by all that self-care, talking, support, distraction, pragmatism, focus and taking it a step at a time. These men are on the whole complete b***ds to their loved ones but the loved ones survive, and eventually thrive. Hang on in there. Don't panic. Oh and I left wine off the list... definitely contributed to my survival....Wine

StartAgainat60 · 06/02/2019 20:22

Thanks
Just having a horrible wobble. It will pass.
Gym morning with friends tomorrow, and yes I agree with meditation sessions.
Just off to run a bath, glass of wine on the side with some candles.
Thanks for being thereFlowers

Original poster
TinselAngel · 06/02/2019 20:15

It's perfectly normal @StartAgainat60. It's very early days- you will want to cry. Go easy on yourself. You at grieving a terrible loss. At least now you can cry whenever you want. I cried so many times in secret in the bath while my ex and I were together.

What normally helps you when you're down? One thing that worked for me after losing my Dad was starting a long TV box set so I never had to think about what to do in an evening. I'd watch a couple of episodes of the Sopranos.

After my last relationship breakdown, meditation helped, I had a meditation app with meditations for difficult times, and one particularly helpful one said about how your current troubles are clouds passing across the sky. They are not the whole sky.

Be kind to yourself. You may well be worse for a short period before you feel better Thanks

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StartAgainat60 · 06/02/2019 19:48

Help Tinsel
Can't stop crying.
I hate, hate, hate my b###ard husband.
Couple of close family members have been good but I am suffering being home alone.
Unbelievable the distress they put us through.
They become a stranger, so cold when you speak to them. Well you couldn't Accept me, so p:-$ offWashed away 28 years together. What does that mean =mental illness

Original poster
TinselAngel · 06/02/2019 18:57

"Accept" Kitkat = comply.

I couldn't imagine a future through that looking glass of having an "out" trans partner, where I could be anything other than miserable.

One thing I remember thinking is how I'd be thrust into the LGBT scene, but would be there under false pretences. It's fine, but it's not my world.

I think to stay with a trans partner one would have to be their biggest cheerleader rather than being able to do it grudgingly. Always fighting somebody else's battle with a smile painted on my face? No thanks.

OP posts:
StartAgainat60 · 06/02/2019 07:53

Thanks Tinsel and Social.
One of the first mornings I've woken up not crying!.
Need to move on and Start Again.
Hopefully find some normality in life.
Sorry you are going through this Kitkat. Been there and life looks so much better when you're out the other side.
Think about your own mental well-being Flowers

KitkatX4 · 05/02/2019 22:46

So I’m sitting in the waiting room for marriage therapy. It’s not really going to save our marriage unless he does a 180 back to who he was. I don’t have much hope for that. We went separate into the room. He apparently told her he just wants to be accepted. I asked her, who is now asking him what that means. Seriously I’m supposed to “accept” you and who you’ve become, but you don’t accept me and what I believe and have always. It’s a load of crap for sure! Poor transgender baby wants the world to love him and accept him. He lost that from me when he went behind my back, lied and basically had an “affair” with himself. He’s got mental issues for sure, but I think gender dysphoria is the least of these!

Original poster
TinselAngel · 05/02/2019 18:32

That's brilliant Start.

It feels great when your emotional well being is in your own hands and not somebody else's doesn't it?

OP posts:
socialworker222 · 05/02/2019 18:22

Well done you.
What strength us biological women have!
Flowers

StartAgainat60 · 05/02/2019 16:56

Thanks for all the support Blush
Meeting went well.
He',s moved out.
Estate Agents booked for this week.
Can't believe the calm and relief I now feel.
Brighter future ahead!.
Thank you all so much. You've helped me get to this point.
Good luck to everyoneFlowers

socialworker222 · 05/02/2019 09:31

Start good luck today. You are already strong for taking this on and starting to deal with it (not staying put, not falling completely to bits).
Remember these people do not think about others and live in a strange, delusional, self-absorbed bubble. It almost isn't personal, and that helped me to detach myself. There is nothing wrong with you, or your behaviour or personality. I couldn't tell friends at all, couldn't say the words. But I bet you will find many support you entirely. Approach them one at a time, in order of whom you trust most and are closest to. And today, try to stay calm and PRACTICAL; I found it really helpful to have lists/plans, and focus on the money/house/kids. The rest is terribly painful and overwhelming and needs corralling off for counselling/friends/us! GOOD LUCK. You are surrounded by this virtual circle of support and love, really.
And Sandy, well done for starting talking to someone. It will really help.

StartAgainat60 · 05/02/2019 08:31

Thanks to all Blush
Feeling sick.
Have got to be strong.
Last time we spoke across the table he started sobbing and i just got Angry.
Have got to keep focused xx

moimichme · 05/02/2019 07:42

Start if you start feeling confused or conflicted by what he's saying, try to turn it into a healthy scepticism about his grasp on reality...I found a combination of anger + pity for him worked well so I didn't lose sight of my goals for the interaction and kept me relatively clear-eyed to see through the crap. But do whatever works for you. Remember: His version of events and of you aren't the accurate ones. Good luck!

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2019 07:30

StartAgainat60 I'm not a trans widow but am hand holding. Xx

Original poster
TinselAngel · 05/02/2019 07:20

Good luck. Ignore the passive aggression x

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