Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

Cadanita1 I'm told online is a good way to go. I wrote an article about my experiences and The Observer said they very keen to publish it but after many months never used it. I do wonder if the media is queasy about any negative stories about trans. However I was recently contacted by a BBC radio editor who wants to do a piece on the issue. She is Cat Farnsworth at [email protected] and works on the iPm show. If anyone wanted to do a radio interview I'm sure you could be anonymous and voiced like 'Michelle' on Woman's Hour. I would so like our stories to be out there. But of course it's a scary prospect..... The reaction to Woman's Hour was very positive and I'm sure your story is really powerful and important. Would you consider doing something? By the way I don't work in the media.... We could do with some more contacts.

Cadanita1 do you want to make it public, and who has advised you.

You ok, Cadanita?

Can we help? Those of us who aren’t transwidows ourselves try not to post on this thread too much (it’s not our space) but there are hundreds of us here, standing in solidarity with all the wives, partners & girlfriends who have lived through this. I didn’t want to leave you waiting ages for a response

I have been strongly advised to make my story public. I don't know what do.

I think it was in Anne Lawrence's book that autogynephiles often dial down on the dressing etc when there's new relationship energy. The new woman kind of competes with the woman inside, and as long as there's infatuation, she wins. When time goes on "the woman inside", or the fetish, re-emerges as the one true love.

I think I need to read that book - it describes my ex to a T.

Thanks Socialworker222.

You are right, I think she would feel very differently about this whole situation if he had been an abusive, rapey piece of crap without any of the trans issues. The trans stuff suddenly makes the world think of him as the one who is suffering. And she goes along with his wishes, because our society at the moment pressures us into pandering to people who say they're trans, regardless of what an awful human being they may have been, or what harm they may have done to real women. It's like a get out of jail free card. Unfortunately she's bought into it all, which makes this even more difficult.

I feel that, if I could just get her to realise the enormity of what's actually going on: if I could get her to see the GC side of things and that she's not alone, she would gain strength from that. But it's hard. I want to avoid upsetting her with the trans stuff, and just support her, but I also want to help her recover by showing her all your stories. It's a tricky line to walk, but I'll have to see how it goes. It might need to be a gradual thing. We'll see.

And you're right, he is a sh*t! I dread to think what other women are going through right now. Makes me so angry just thinking about the entitlement of it all.

Thanks TinselAngel.

I think she avoids going online now because of the bullying she received, so I doubt very much she knows about any of this, as it's not really talked about irl. Despite obviously starting my GC journey (not that I knew it at the time!) because of what she went through a few years ago, even I had no idea about the rise in GC feminism (or what it even was) until I saw people debating on Twitter late last year, and I'm online a lot.

I really want to let her know this is going on, but I have to admit I'm finding it very difficult figuring out how to bring it up. We used to talk every day, but she's become more and more distant. And when we do talk it's obvious she wants to avoid discussing the issue. She's just so exhausted. But I think seeing all this will do her good, so I will get over my fear of offending and see if I can get her to realise what's going on now.

I remember reading about Christine Benvenuto's book a few years ago (when looking for others in the same boat as my friend), but a lot of people were bad-mouthing it as 'transphobic'. As a left liberal I went along with that and decided to give it a miss. I had honestly forgotten all about the book until you mentioned it, so thank you for the suggestion. I have a strange feeling I would have a very different perspective on it now I know that 'transphobic' seems to mean 'women speaking out' these days.

We talked about counselling a while ago, and I thought she was considering going, but I'll be honest, I don't think she ever did. Again, she avoids talking about anything 'negative' now so it's hard to tell what's truly going on with her. She was on anti-depressants following the split, however, but says she was able to stop taking them.

She very much seems like she's trying to pretend everything is ok, while still being confronted with him and his 'persona' every time she drops off their daughter. I agree she needs to put a line between them and not get involved with him in any way other than parenting arrangements. But, amazingly, she's still very defensive when anyone says anything negative about the guy. It's baffling to me. You're absolutely correct: her self esteem is completely ruined. She's said so herself many times, and it's obvious to anyone who knows her: she is a totally different person now. She tries to keep going for her daughter, but she's just going through the motions.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble and the delay in getting back to you. Thanks so much for your suggestions and your advice. I'm feeling a lot more courage to try and broach this subject again with her now.

Cadanita1 very self indulgent telling the committee while the cameras were rolling. Where is other people's privacy in all this!

socialworker222 the episode was actually quite interesting and I really warmed to Andy.

Helen31a my heart very definitely goes out to you. I know several parents struggling with trans identifying kids so that is my interest in the issue, I am not a trans widow. But my heart really does go out to all you brave women.

Yep that was him, the constant professional, threw up in my mouth a little. Got the bottle of wine out to numb it a little.

Helen31a hope you're okay as I think your ex was in last night's episode of Ch.4 prog... Sorry if I've got confused. If so that's just awful for you. Still can't face watching it and can't begin to imagine what it's like for you.

"I think it was in Anne Lawrence's book that autogynephiles often dial down on the dressing etc when there's new relationship energy. The new woman kind of competes with the woman inside, and as long as there's infatuation, she wins. When time goes on "the woman inside", or the fetish, re-emerges as the one true love"

That is so interesting, in last week's ' The making of me' the husband said he could marry himself when he saw himself in a weave!

Interesting news headlines over recent days, with three stories discussing/challenging trans ideology: trans women in sport, gender reassignment for kids, and Stonewall fighting over the trans lobby's domination of lesbian/feminist issues. It cheers me up to see there is some discussion/challenge going on:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-47359692
www.thetimes.co.uk/article/stonewall-drives-away-backers-with-trans-agenda-t9jqfhc60

but the OW (it was complicated hmm ) made him "feel like a man" apparently, so he changed his mind. He's since re-embraced his feminine side, but I have no idea how he identifies these days

I think it was in Anne Lawrence's book that autogynephiles often dial down on the dressing etc when there's new relationship energy. The new woman kind of competes with the woman inside, and as long as there's infatuation, she wins. When time goes on "the woman inside", or the fetish, re-emerges as the one true love.

My ex was transvestite, but that was 25 years ago, before the trans ideology had taken hold. He was diagnosed with gender dysphoria and was about to set off down the reassignment road (that's when I left with the DC), but the OW (it was complicated ) made him "feel like a man" apparently, so he changed his mind. He's since re-embraced his feminine side, but I have no idea how he identifies these days. It was exhausting trying to keep up at the time and I'm very glad I don't have to any more. DC are adults now, and know what went on - they just shrug and eye-roll a bit. I'm very glad they didn't know at the time.

A trans woman once told me the difference between a transv*st!he and a trans woman was about 2 years.

The non-binary just made me think of the people who might say they were bi them layer come out as gay. Kind of soften ' the blow' for parents or partners. Nor that they can or necessarily say that but have heard people say they did that.

No one needs to answer this but just curious- did anyone's 'dh' previously 'identidy' as non-binary?

Just wondered if identifying as 'nin-binary' was a step on the way. Recently meet a couple where the guy very much looked like a guy, dressed like a guy but then said I'm on-binary and even before he said it there was something that tipped me off!

And Senterkitten you're not alone. You didn't let anyone down
and responsibility lies with him not you. The others are right that you may need to consider an exit plan... cashback and a passbook savings account helped me feel more in control. It's a long road and I felt terrible for many months but there are options and ways of getting free. My heart goes out to you. Stick with this group if helpful... it has made such a difference to me

Plus what helped me was the friends who focussed on me. One said 'I'm here for... and the kids and that's my focus (not him). It helped they took little interest in the stuff he did and really made me feel they had me and my kids at the fro t of their minds (esp where they were 'his' friends who were husbands of my friends). So try to focus on her and keep trans out of it. But Christ what a sh**. I read some of these stories and realize I was lucky to get out quickly.

Wizbit suggest you focus on supporting yr friend and letting her know she can rely on you BUT letting her know you're concerned by his abusive behaviour (regardless of gender crap) and impact on her. She can be gently told his behaviour is not okay. And directed to safe places like thiz where women share how hard it is and how they started to get free. I would remind her if you remove the gender stuff his behaviour is beyond unacceptable. But sometimes you have to just support and accompany and nudge/remind a friend they don't have to put up with it. So hard for you too.0

TinselAngel, love the name btw. I've read loads of books to try and understand but Narcissism plays a huge part. In the past they would have hidden in a closet but now everything has become so PC that normal standards of decency have been thrown out with the baby. They have so many people telling them they are right and dont see or care about the suffering they cause because those people don't see the innocent silent victims. I think it's time we had our chance to speak out. To bury the bastards in their frilly knickers, high heels and lipstick!!!

Senterkitten I'm 52, I was married for almost 25 years before I knew the truth. We had a business together and I'm totally dependent on him. He ran our business into the ground and used it's embers to build the foundation for his new one. My kids are 28, 27, 19 and 18. Thank God they are up. How are you coping with a new baby on the way? WE CARE AND WE UNDERSTAND. If you ever need to talk PM me x

Hi everyone. I don't know how I managed it, must have signed into old mumsnet account. Used to be Helen31a now Cadanita1. Dear God just like Kevin to Karen. Sorry for the confusion.