Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

I reported that post - on the basis that this is clearly designated as a support thread, not a discussion thread. My understanding is that we will not be seeing that person again.

It was your typical drive-by that a certain group of people (who happen to be women) should not have a term to describe themselves and their experiences.

Just your typical gender identity authoritarianism that's all over the place these days.

twitter.com/Genderintell/status/1110912517080039424?s=19

A research project into the partner's experience of gender transition.
It might be an opportunity for some here to tell their experiences.

do watch out MsVanilla that you don't start inhibiting people's right to define themselves as they wish.

Quite.

#translogic

Oh dear. I think we've been here before. We don't hear cries of complaint about golf and other 'widows'. And as we've tried to explain repeatedly, the person we married has gone - in my case in all recognizable ways, not just appearance but behaviour. I thought, weary sigh, that we had also established that everyone is allowed to identify/define themselves, most notably the men in our lives who transitioned.... so our right to self-define is presumably no different from theirs to self-define? Or is that a privilege granted only to these men?! I don't particularly 'like' my ex-husband deciding he is a female lesbian, we he is allowed to do so. So I choose to define myself as widow, having completely lost my husband, and my children having completely lost their father, as the closest word I can find, thanks very much... do watch out MsVanilla that you don't start inhibiting people's right to define themselves as they wish.

MsVanilla
Why make an unpleasant comment on a thread that supports women who get little or no support elsewhere.
As someone who escaped an abusive marriage, where my ex indulged in cross dressing amongst other things, I feel like a widow because I discovered that the man I thought I was married to didn't exist anymore. The man I thought i married was dead and a stranger lived in his body. I cannot get my head around you not understanding this.

That article is really interesting ALittleBit. It’s exactly right that women living with this feel disassociated and end up feeling like they are part of the problem. I know I have really struggled with worrying that part of the problem is me not being open minded enough and that i’m being controlling by saying I won’t tolerate it. Rationally i’m not of course. I would never have married him knowing about this and he chose to keep it from me. At the moment my Dh does his best to hide everything from me. I always (or at least I think) find out when he’s been dressing though. The escalation that so many of you describe really scares me. I certainly would walk away the minute he felt the need to do it in front of me or involve me in any way.
One question I have to ask, for those of you that have been married to cross dressers, is it just a private thing for them? Since I found out, I have discovered 100s of photos of my Dh in different outfits and poses that he has taken. Is it likely that he has shared these with anyone? He says not and that it’s a completely private thing but then he’s denied a lot of things until faced with the evidence.

Correction - as far as I KNOW i'd never met a FTM before. From watching You Tube videos I've been surprised how much more convincing FTMs than MTFs seem to be. Maybe it's 'broken voice and a beard' reads so MALE that I've just not realised before (FTM friend has neither). There also seems to be less tendency to mimic and parody 'male behaviour' in a grotesque and creepy way than the other way round.

Italiangreyhound - sorry, one female to male married to a man, one male to female married to a woman. I had never met a FTM before, and before meeting the husband had assumed from appearance and behaviour 'ah yes, boyish lesbian' - but the hubby rather took me aback! So much of this whole business has, tho.

This is the first time I've read this. The hairs are standing up on my arms (Unlike my ex, I don't feel a need to remove all my body hair to be a woman...)
This has to be one of the best summaries of so many experiences on this thread, with some killer lines:
'Many women are surviving through disassociation' - this is surely that shell-shocked, closed-up thing mentioned earlier.
'erasure of their right to name their reality and to set boundaries. There is no such thing as a line in the sand when it comes to trans desire. He gota have what he gotta have.' So true.
And I agree, Tinsel, we are all so grateful to you for opening these threads for us;I hope you are aware of the daily difference it makes to know you are not alone in your experiences and perceptions (no, you're not going mad etc.).

Ooh Spartacus that's naefearty! Thanks for posting!
Here's one of Jackie/nae's very eye opening posts naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

Sorry 'There was no male, gay or straight, who had a partner transitioning.'

T1meForDebate I am being very nosy and you can totally ignore me but when you say "I have two friends who are trans, one in each direction." Are these friends married to people who are the opposite sex or are they gay couples, where one lesbian has become a man or a gay man a woman.

I'm interested because I do know of an opposite sex couple where the woman transitioned but it seems quite rare.

In a gay couple I do wonder of there is now more pressure for one to transition.

In the series the making of me, if I remember correctly, only female partners were affected. There was no make, gay or straight, who had a partner transitioning.

I am massively impressed with the support that each woman here gives to others, it's unbelievably impressive.

But as the OP, bloody hell, TinselAngel you are a one woman powerhouse of support, strength, insight, comfort and analysis.

You're phenomenal. And deserve a medal.

💐

I can relate to those spouses, that was me just after H came out to friends and family as trans.

It's because they have told lies to friends and family while coming out to them to justify their actions. Mine told everyone, including my own mother, that I had known all about it since before we were married so no need to feel sorry for me. Even told one mutual friend that we had made an agreement to have kids together then he would transition. Completely ignoring the truth which was he told me he was a cross dresser but was "absolutely 100% sure that he was a man".

So there we sat, everyone congratulating him on how "stunning and brave" they are, and looking at me with a mixture of pity and contempt as how could anyone with any self respect marry a man who wants to be a woman? Effectively cutting them off from any support from family and friends. Oh and I couldn't speak out about these lies because I couldn't go hurting the delicate feelings of the poor trans person could I?

Why was I still there? Because my children needed me to keep their lives as stable as possible as their father had no interest in that.

So yes, those spouses were probably feeling shell shocked, judged and without support.

Why not try quietly asking them if they are ok and if they would like someone to listen to them? I bet they would appreciate it.

PS Apols if not appropriate - I am not in your situation, just an outsider's reading maybe something that isn't there into how two friend couples present.

I have two friends who are trans, one in each direction. Both are still married. Both trans people are open, chatty, relaxed, sociable, confident. But their spouses? Quiet, still, watchful, seldom enter into conversation. I wonder - could these be symptoms of shock?