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Original poster

Does he have misogynistic tendencies?

57 replies

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 07:11

I wonder if you can help me. I know a man who I think is wonderful in every way except I have a fear that he may have some misogynistic views. He doesn't say anything outright exactly but there are some red flags. For example, when he swears he occasionally uses the words wh*re and b!tch which none of my male friends would ever do. He has commented on a woman's outfit (to me) and said it was inappropriate. To be fair it was but still.

We have great chats and I'm looking for some ideas of topics that might help me get to the bottom of this. For example I thought about asking him his views on whether a woman's sexual past should be looked at in rape cases. Can you think of other questions that will help me find out if he's a misogynist? He's intelligent and will be guarded so the questions need to be relatively subtle. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 12:46

Thank you. I have had some excellent, thought-provoking advice on here. Much appreciated.

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BobTheDuvet · 12/12/2018 12:26

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rememberatime · 12/12/2018 10:46

I've recently been in a similar position to you OP and in the end I had to ditch him. There were many things that made me question him but in the end it came down to him being very bitter and angry about his ex and that spilling out into a generalised rant about how women always get what they want because the court system is biased.

I was then unable to express a viewpoint that disagreed with his, because his opinion was firmly set. there was no give and take. This was my "no" moment.

I would talk to him about previous relationships and see if he talks about his ex with respect and care - despite the breakup. It's Ok to feel regret, disappointment and even some anger. But he also needs to be able to see her viewpoint and understand her motivations - while still being aware that there were good points.

Imnobody4 · 12/12/2018 10:08

Why not just wait till he shows a another 'sign' and then query/challenge him. There is no magic question to ask.

UpstartCrow · 12/12/2018 09:39

What an odd post, this is a close relationship, not a stranger on a bus. And yes women always have to vet men because the bad guys aren't upfront about it. They hide.

Funkyfunkybeat12 · 12/12/2018 09:38

I agree with you OP! I don’t think commenting on someone’s inappropriate attire always is misogynistic at all. That bit is probably a red herring. The whore comment is a bit different though.

Whowouldathunkit · 12/12/2018 09:35

Think you're giving this way too much thought OP.

Why just this man and not ALL men?

I may get flamed but if you HAVE to actively look for signs of misogyny, then perhaps he isn't.

Must be exhausting having to vet men like this.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 09:35

But she was doing the equivalent of wearing shorts in a court room. It was inappropriate dress. But I was just concerned after the 'whore' and 'bitch' swearing that this could be part of a bigger misogynistic picture from him.

I'm not sure what I can say no about as he's a pretty easygoing and reasonable guy but I will do so and let you know.

Part of the 'no' thing could be tricky as we used to work together until very recently and he was more senior than me so he did used to ask me to do things for him.

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Funkyfunkybeat12 · 12/12/2018 09:24

It’s surely the thinking it that is misogynistic? I could be racist af even if I never utter any of it in public and keep it in my private thoughts. The important point is that I have negative feelings about other races, whether or not I manage to keep these under wraps? If the OP (who admits she agreed with her friend) had said ‘yeah I agree’ instead of just thinking it, would that really change matters so much? Maybe it would.

Anyway, let us know what happens when you say no to him.

BobTheDuvet · 12/12/2018 09:16

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Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 09:13

Interesting. I will definitely try this.

And I'll say again, I'm not trying to catch him out. I really really like him. I just want to be careful which I think is sensible.

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BobTheDuvet · 12/12/2018 09:13

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LangCleg · 12/12/2018 09:09

Say no to him, see how he reacts. That should tell you all you need to know.

This. Doesn't have to be about anything important - what to have for dinner, watching a TV drama instead of the football, whether to go to the pub or stay in. If he won't accept a no, bin him. And not accepting a no doesn't just mean throwing a tantrum, it also means always trying to wheedle you out of it.

Funkyfunkybeat12 · 12/12/2018 08:32

So it’s fine for you to think something misogynistic but vocalising crosses the line?
To be fair, lots of outfits are inappropriate in different settings. That goes for whether it’s a woman wearing something or a man. People seem to have a notion that feminism equals that women can wear precisely what they like and nobody can criticise it. Rubbish. I would say someone wearing a very low-cut top in a courtroom is inappropriate. Same if a man is wearing eg shorts in the same setting. There are standards of dress and modesty depending on what situation you’re in and who you are with. It’s stupid to pretend otherwise or to say that only women’s clothes are immune from scrutiny.

So, no, I don’t think that alone makes him a misogynist. The whore thing, yes, that’s a misogynistic insult. Bitch not so much- it’s common parlance for many people. It’s less about the actual word and more about the intent behind it as well.

Ask about sexual history, sure, but maybe if you’re trying to secretly catch your friend out, you should cool the friendship instead.

Iused2BanOptimist · 12/12/2018 08:22

Saying no to menwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3322589-Saying-no-to-men

Iused2BanOptimist · 12/12/2018 08:21

There's a thread somewhere about saying No to a man as a test. I sent it to my DD and her friend.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 12/12/2018 08:02

Can I just ask why it is acceptable for you to say an outfit is inappropriate but not a man? Not stirring but I am minded of the parable about the splinter in someone elses eye vs a plank in yours?
Only you can tell what this man is like. I’m just wondering why you need us to come up with some trick to catch him?*

Exactly what I wanted to say but she said it better.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 08:00

Okay, I will try that. I don't think I've ever said no to him about anything!!

OP posts:
Materialist · 12/12/2018 07:57

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Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 07:54

Squall I thought the outfit was inappropriate in my head but I didn't vocalise it because she can wear whatever she wants. He did vocalise it to me though.

I don't want to trick him. I want to understand him better.

OP posts:
Squall · 12/12/2018 07:53

Can I just ask why it is acceptable for you to say an outfit is inappropriate but not a man? Not stirring but I am minded of the parable about the splinter in someone elses eye vs a plank in yours?
Only you can tell what this man is like. I’m just wondering why you need us to come up with some trick to catch him?

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 07:47

Thanks BobTheDuvet. Do you mean say no to him sexually or no about anything?

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BobTheDuvet · 12/12/2018 07:44

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LassWiADelicateAir · 12/12/2018 07:41

Basically he's a creep and a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 07:41

Yeah, it's just totally out of my experience to meet men who use the words bitch and whore. I will challenge him on it but I know he's going to be really shocked and will think I'm making an issue out of nothing.

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