Why my transgender son dosent want self ID

I feel for you op. I'm sure you just want your child to be happy. Knowing they are going to take unnecessary drugs and potentially end up with some horrible complications perhaps a decade down the line must be absolutely terrifying. I wish there was a much easier way of sparing all these kids that. They deserve so much better.

people can choose their gender marker in the passport just like that,

There is a bit of a mess to be honest over how easy or not it is to change gender markers....

DVLA - you just ask. No evidence at all.

Passport - one letter from a doctor stating you intend to live as the opposite sex, no diagnosis needed

NHS Records - GP approval but no specific diagnosis

Inland Revenue - Full GRC requring 2 diagnoses of GD and 2 years living as the opposite sex.

Its all very inconsistent. Of course if self ID comes in thats all irrelavant!

when he tells people he is transgender

From your description though your son clearly isnt transgender - he is transsexual. Would it not be better to identify as transsexual rather than the new modern transgender agenda and everything it represents ?

Ok fine.

Because they have sex dysphoria and are distressed with their bodies.

Because they have gender dysphoria and are distressed by their bodies.

Obviously in an ideal world we would dismantle the patriarchy and gender roles and everyone would feel ok with their sexed bodies

Aren't these two separate issues? Sex dysphoria and gender dysphoria?

Sex dysphoria is feeling your body is wrong in itself. That you have the wrong body parts. Similar to those people who feel one of their limbs doesn't belong to them. 'Distressed by their bodies' as you describe it.

Gender dysphoria is what you describe in your last paragraph. A feeling that society won't accept them, because of gender roles.

Sex dysphoria and gender dysphoria are two different conditions, with different solutions. Sex dysphoria, even after extensive counselling, may be impossible to cure and transition may be the only effective treatment.

The best treatment for gender dysphoria is for society to become more tolerant of gender non-conformity and diversity.

If we were a genuinely tolerant society, we could acknowledge that gender and sex are 2 separate things - social and biological - then divide human beings into 2 sexes only when absolutely necessary (health, sport and sex).

For one, obviously there are very different views about when separating by sex is absolutely neccessary, and then: why should I even accept the existence of this construct named gender? It is nothing but a prescription of how to behave and what to wear. If people can choose their gender marker in the passport just like that, it is aburd that I can't reject it alltogether and need to pick one. It is like asking a slave which color they prefer for their chain.

To get a passport in the new gender, all my 19 year old had to do was get a letter from the GP. No diagnosis of gender dysphoria needed, nor any proof of living in the opposite gender.

Why should all these non-confirming people have to modify their bodies? If we were a genuinely tolerant society, we could acknowledge that gender and sex are 2 separate things - social and biological - then divide human beings into 2 sexes only when absolutely necessary (health, sport and sex). More than happy to use any pronoun anyone wants at any time if it saves another human being feeling they have to medically alter themselves with all the attendant risks.

I really don't understand why this means someone has to take harmful medication and probably have major surgery.

Because they have gender dysphoria and are distressed by their bodies.

OP’s son understands they are not Male, he is ok with sex segregation, he is not having any medical intervention until he is 18 (or possibly ever).

Obviously in an ideal world we would dismantle the patriarchy and gender roles and everyone would feel ok with their sexed bodies but while we live in this one people need to negotiate how to make themselves a life they can stand.

Hi, OP. Your son may already know this song, or not (I'm a music theatre geek). It is a beautiful, beautiful scene from the 2015 Tony award-winning musical 'Fun House'. It's called 'Ring of Keys', and is performed by a 1970s 11 year old GNC child, oppressed by her father, who sees a butch lesbian for the first time, and has an extraordinary moment of awakening, and self-realisation.

In an age where the only role models we are offering young butch girls are those in the process of medically transitioning away from being 'female', I find this song incredibly moving, and devastating.

I wish you and your son all the very best.

No his mannerisms haven't changed he has always been a typical 'tomboy' and by mannerisms I don't just mean gender stereotypes such as toys and sport I mean how he acted I can't describe it in words but if you watched him how he walk talks, body language etc. Is that of a boy.

I really don't understand why this means someone has to take harmful medication and probably have major surgery. Why can't a woman act in any way she wants to?

If I had a daughter I would steer her as far away as possible from radical feminism because of the sheer negativity it promotes about being a woman.

What do you mean by this, Lass? Where is the negativity? The only negativity is towards harmful gender stereotypes.

If that was the reason behind the science comment, then I unreservedly take back what I said.

Deep is right. The whole issue of transgenderism has to be addressed at a structural level.

Completely agree. I can have sympathy for people who are a victim of the ideology. And do.

And normally, would not make it personal. But if questions are invited, it's useful to see how the ideology results in the practical.

Meanwhile there is an Australian detransitioner, who has reverted to being a man after 17 years. And after bottom surgery.

These experiences are vital to understand how it all works.

He says how he was shunned by his, erstwhile very welcoming, online forums. And sure enough, several below the line commentors also don't want to know how he sees through it all.

Occasionally , such as when a thread about a letter to the Times that related to Trans matters was launched, we see that there is a large group of people willing to be supportive, flexible, and indeed, kind.

Kindness is one of the most important things in life, especially when dealing with things one can have no direct knowledge of. Such as your family situation. PLEASE remember that those people who think it is their place to condemn you and your son* ,without walking a mile in your shoes do not represent the majority of readers of these threads, and certainly not the majority of the population.

Please also remember that those who have been discouraging, and/ downright discourteous, are driven by a wish to help you both, driven by genuine convictions that they hold, albeit ones that can cause needless hurt.

• As your offspring is now a young adult, and has been trans identified for a number of years, it is obviously common courtesy to refer to him as him, whatever the private feelings, understandings or lack of understandings of those who post negatively and unsupportively. Good luck to you and your son. You are being a fine support to him, which is what parents are for.

I think it is important to distinguish between the personal and ideological level here

Deep is right. The whole issue of transgenderism has to be addressed at a structural level.

OP, like Trucking I am curious how your child proved to the panel that he was living as a man.

Oh!
Just a quick warning - you send you hadn’t read up too much on hormones for trans people but that your child has decided that will be their red line and they won’t have surgery? Did you know that it’s recommended that tranmasculine people have hysterectomies after a certain number of years on testosterone? Google seems to suggest 5 years as standard.

www.ftmguide.org/hysto.html

Just hormones/no surgery might not actually be a feasible option.

Something to ask your child to consider before beginning hormones?

Early hysterectomies come with a whole host of knock-on effects...

Wasnt the science comment not in relation to the fact that he knows that he’ll never be male? Rather than it proving he was a man?

Brave of you to post, OP. But I'm not quite sure why you have.

There seems to be a theme for women who transition. Stephanie Davis Arai has said she has yet to see a woman transition who is not either gay, autistic, or has suffered from some kind of trauma, usually sexual.

From what you have said, it would appear that your child does not conform to stereotypically feminine interests. Something that appears to be at the root of many people's transition. (And a real bone of contention for feminists, who want to abandon harmful gender stereotypes altogether.)

And at the same time they have had a female biological health issue.

Do you think there is any connection?

What do you personally think is the reason for your child's transition?

Someone i know was prescribed testosterone for endometriosis. She said it was brilliant, felt stronger and really into sex and food.

Blimey. She was lucky. I was on it for the same reason and suffered terribly with hot flushes, sometimes having one every 20 minutes, and piled on the weight. Very unusual to feel like she did. I had it in my late twenties and now have osteoporosis as a result.

I wish you both the best for the future.

I think it is important to distinguish between the personal and ideological level here. Obviously, it is an important point that these types of transitions may be the result of what roles society attributes to women.

But society is what it is and individuals try to navigate the issues they have the best way they can. Obviously, researching long term consequences and pondering alternatives is important. But at some point, as an adult, you just do what you feel you have to do.

This may or may not turn out to be a mistake (there are detransitioners, but there are people happily living as transmen long term despite health risks/complications, even though, yes, I agree, they might have taken this path only because society is shitty to women. But what does this change if you strongly feel this is your best option?).

I also can't see what else you can do as the parent of an adult son or daughter than let go, accept their life choices and be there for them, when they need you.

This is nothing that can be solved on the individual level imo.

I took the op’s science comment to mean that her child is well aware of biology and knows that humans can’t change sex

Ffs

That was supposed to be

op thanks for sharing such a personal story and I must say it took guts to come on here and share it.

I am, though, absolutely stumped that your child was under CAHMS and so then transitioned. It sounds like their teen years have been incredibly difficult and that the only outcome was to transition. I find that desperately sad. Sad for the girl she was and the trans man they have decided to become.

Please investigate the hormone therapy, it’s a very volitile drug to be on and will irrevocable change and damage their body.

I wish you luck, and thank you for sharing

The problem with pretending to be something you’re not is that you’re always then going to be worried that you might be found out. It’s a pretty stressful way to live, i imagine.
I searched a while ago for phalloplasty on instagram, and there was a young transman on there who had had all the surgery (mastectomy and phalloplasty) and had been taking testosterone for a few years, and said they still felt dysphoria
What a smack in the mouth, after having all the possible recommended treatment for dysphoria, presumably all through the various surgeries to be thinking ‘when I get the mastectomy, that’ll cure the dysphoria’ then when they still experience dysphoria ‘well, when I start the phalloplasty surgeries, that’ll cure the dysphoria’ then finally to realise that you’ve had everything possible and you still have dysphoria 😱