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Original poster

Abusive relationship 30 years ago

28 replies

DorisTrellis · 07/12/2018 22:34

In counselling now about difficult relationship with grown son I realise his father was abusive to us both. How to feel strong and powerful now when I was so manipulated and powerless then? I need to forgive myself for not protecting my son as a child to move on with him now. Anyone recognise this?

OP posts:
EverardDigby · 08/12/2018 07:03

Yes a bit. I think I've been in denial about how bad DD's F has been to both of us. I think it's really useful to be able to recognise and talk to your child about the impact, for example I'm quite honest with DD about her anxiety not being about her now but more than likely comes from feeling unsafe as a baby / child when her F raged and I cried (I thought I protected her from it but I probably didn't as much as I would have liked). Also I recognise that I did get out and I have created a good life for us since. It's tough. I guess I stayed because I didn't want DD to have her parents split up, so also I was doing what I thought was my best at the time, even though I see it differently in hindsight. The Body Keeps The Score is a great book explaining the effects of trauma and how to heal it that might be helpful.

Original poster
DorisTrellis · 08/12/2018 06:49

Thankyou so much for this reply. There’s lots to mend. I can’t believe I let his power continue so long. Well done to you for your good life, and thanks.

OP posts:
Squall · 07/12/2018 22:42

I’m afraid I can’t be of a massive help here, but I feel some of what you feel. I walked out of my office and sat there listing to myself what I have managed since I left, and who I am now.
Please remember that you were in a very hard situation, one that it is not easy to escape from. How are you and your son now? Flowers
Forgiving yourself is not easy. It takes one step at a time and we all cope in different ways.