Engagement rings

Tripping can you explain a bit more what you mean by "The issue isn't the objects but rather that women aren't equally given societal approval to do so themselves."

I’ve always felt this about engagement rings, and wedding rings come to that. I have a wedding band that was used on the day (DH doesn’t, he doesn’t like them) but I very seldom wear it. I know I’m thought of by some friends and relations as a party pooper who has to spoil the nice idea of some jewellery with my options. It irks me that they can’t see how fucked up the whole idea is.

I can't get too worked up over this. I'm a lesbian with an engagement ring. I was given it when DW proposed. She doesn't wear one because I didn't ask. I can never really square these attitudes towards feminism up. The issue isn't the objects but rather that women aren't equally given societal approval to do so themselves.

I absolutely do not think you're a "not good enough feminist". I think we all make our own personal choices for our own reasons.

Discussing the reasons for the imbalance around engagement rings is not a criticism of any individual's decision.

Of course they are linked. Doesn’t mean that women can’t choose to wear an engagement ring. Isn’t that the point of feminism - to give women the choice to wear a ring, not wear a ring, go to work, not go to work, marry, don’t marry, wear make up, don’t wear make up. Basically, engagements have historical patriarchal roots in negotiating marriage agreements. But we are now in the 21st century and there is no need to throw the baby out with the bath water.

I am a feminist but I love jewellery. So I was thrilled to receive a big fat diamond when I got engaged. And I love wearing it every day. My husband hates the feeling of a ring so he doesn’t wear his wedding band. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

Assassinated. I hear you, from a pragmatic point of view I just choose not to think about it from a totally feminist view point.
I didn’t bother me that I wore an engagement ring for extra months before he had to wear the wedding band as well. I see it as a thing of beauty and commitment.
You may well think I’m not a good enough feminist and I guess that’s why I don’t label myself as one, or identify as one, but then being a feminist doesn’t define me, and that s ok , I think.

You have your name in the same way your husband has his name. I hate this idea women don't own their names.

No it didn't really enter my head 20 plus years ago

And even if it did I'm pointing out I would still wear one as I'm not a perfect feminist

(I've never changed my name, unfortunately I still have my fathers name - yet again patriarchal)

It's not about criticising engagement rings but honestly didn't it enter your (general your) heads to wonder why only 1 half of the couple wears one?

They are a visible sign that this woman is no longer available.

Engagement rings and changing your surname are about the least feminist things I can think of doing.

I should perhaps say I love jewellry but don't like wedding rings in general. I don't really see why either party has to display their "taken" status.

Perfectly reasonable to discuss it

Laury, I don't think it's about criticising women who wear engagement rings, or saying they're not a good enough feminist. But I think it's reasonable to discuss the origins and background to it, and look at what it comes from.

My DFiance wore his late fathers wedding ring on his right ring finger before we got engaged.

When we got engaged and a ring came in the equation, he took it on his own accord to start wearing his ring on the left ring finger.

Why should I have to look 'taken' but he look like a 'free man'?

Works for us!

I absolutely agree they're a patriarchal symbol

And I'm still wearing mine, and I still got married.

Because like every other human being I'm not perfect at being anything including feminist. (I consider myself a strong feminist)

Perhaps we should all cut other women a break? We are all part of the patriarchy and we all have to choose our line in the sand. There are feminists wearing clothes from (mostly female) child labour because in this society they say they can't afford anything else - and who am I to say different?

GenderIsAPrison do you ever think about the fact that it is socially significant for a woman to wear an engagement ring, but not at all socially significant for men to do the same? Why is it different? Why is it meaningful for a woman to display visibly that she is not available for a relationship, but that doesn't matter for men?

I have an engagement ring 💍 I love it.
I think i’m A feminist but I don’t go out of my way to label myself one.
I don’t see the conflict with engagement ring or marriage.

Can someone explain how feminism and engagement rings are NOT linked???

Of course they are - the woman wears one, the man doesn’t. The woman wears one as a visible symbol to show she is taken off the market, the man doesn’t. OK perhaps that’s not exactly why most women wear one these days but that is the origin of an engagement ring and therefore can’t be ignored.

I have been mulling over this a lot recently having got engaged/married myself with no engagement ring (we both wear a wedding band) but am not articulate enough to start a thread or write an article on it myself. I have been waiting for it to be highlighted as to me it is such an obvious feminist issue.

I don't think it is nessecarily lass. Or if it is sexism it's not the kind I can get worked up about, so yes, perhaps that's what I mean. I can't imagine feeling like anyone thought I was a man's property so it doesn't rankle. (For me-everyone has a different perspective )
Why do women want them?
Because they're purdy

IfNotNowBernard
Engaged men never wear them, engaged women nearly always do; therefore it's sexism
Not sure that women doing something they want to do and men not doing it because they have no interest is sexism. It's just difference

Goodness sake, I don't begin to describe myself as a feminist but an activity which has no objectively logical or biological basis for one sex doing it and the other not doing it but which nevertheles is only done by 1 sex is the very definition of sexism.

I am married. I don't wear a wedding ring, except occasionally when I want to wear the very beautiful engraved Victorian wedding ring which I own. I'm as likely to put it on my right hand as left. I wear whatever ring I fancy/ suits my outfit on my left hand.

I really did link engagement rings and being property and was adamant I didn't want one.

It did feel a bit like being 'owned'. Especially as DH wasn't having one too. Plus it was the first taste of the wedding industry - please spend ££££ on a ring because of a massively successful ad campaign by De Beers.

However DH was working abroad so we were in a long distance relationship so in the end I got one as it made me feel connected. Ended up changing my name for the same reason. Without this, I'm not sure I would have done either.

Ring was my choice however and I have a great big garnet as I wanted a giant rock but did not have diamond money

I agree with her.
I'm currently going through separation/divorce and it really irks me now that marriage and engagement is dressed up as a big romantic gesture when the reality with marriage (and used to be with engagement) is that it is a legal contract. I never thought through the implications of that until I tried to get out of it. I think culturally the chat round rings/dresses/flowers serves to obfuscate the fact the woman is essentially coming under control of the man.
And yes, I agree the ring is a very visible symbol of ownership. And we are told we should want to be owned and for other people to know we are owned.

I don't like not having a ring now as it feels like a visible symbol of my failure at marriage.

Gone right off them TBH

Only if you ignore the historical and social context. It's not some weird coincidence that mainly women choose to wear them and men don't.

I think it is a feminist issue and would not wear am engagement or wedding ring

Think a deeper Ifnot.

Why do women want them?