Gender identity at 3yo

My three year old started grilling me about the finer points of ‘how many holes’ ladies have..loudly, in the park.. I am quite factual with my children but must admit to every possible attempt on my part to divert him. He finally said “no mummy I want the grown up names. What are the grown up names!” . I would really rather not have had that conversation in earshot of about ten other parents all suppressing their laughter! Yes, I think it’s fair to say my children are away of their sex.

My three year old son knows he is a boy because he has a penis. And he'll happily tell anyone

I've had this with both of my children. I think they are just finding out what your child knows about in general. I've worked with older children with SEN that would regularly get muddled over this so maybe it's something they look out for.

Does your child answer correctly?

This is not going to tell the NHS much. If a child has a very 'woke' parent they might well say 'yes' anyway. Regardless of whether the child's answer corresponds with their sex. Because of the belief that the child is what they say they are.

I also think it's a really good idea to actively teach children that their bodies are what makes them a boy or a girl - the only thing.

They will naturally be looking everywhere for clues about what it means to be a girl or boy and this is where the misconceptions come from, why they start thinking things like long hair is what makes someone a girl or playing football is what makes someone a boy.

Pre-emptively providing the correct and gender-free facts as to the differences between the sexes can only be a positive thing.

I'm an American and have seen this on developmental questionnaires. As others said, nothing to do with gender identity, everything to do with whether they're being taught about their body and about language at home. By 3 kids should start to use correctly gendered language to describe men and women, so it's good if they know whether they're a boy or a girl even apart from body awareness, just for the sake of understanding those around them and being understood.

My child who will be 3 in late Feb already knows that he is a boy and will grow up to be a man, and that his brother is the same. He's also fascinated by the idea that women give birth, and have placentas that drop out of them after the baby comes, and that an umbilical cord once attached every person to their mother. Kids are fascinated by bodies and don't attach any shame or revulsion to these topics.

My own husband was raised in a home where, because of his mother's profession in obstetrics, these topics were commonplace from earliest childhood. As a result, he is absolutely unflappable in the face of some of the weirder and more...fluid-filled...body stuff to do with womanhood, pregnancy, et cetera. He is very matter-of-fact about all of it, and never had any idea that women were somehow "purer" creatures who are sullied by menstruation or birth, the way many men seem to believe on a subconscious level even if they won't admit it.

I hope my own boys grow up with the same down to earth attitude, for the sake of their own wives someday.

It's not at all sinister or strange for a 3 year old to be aware of their sex. My oldest is 3 and since before her 3rd birthday has known that she is a girl, that girls/women have vulvas and boys/men have penises, that when she grows up she will be a woman like me, that when her little brother grows up he will be a man like DP. She's seen everyone in her family naked so she knows from her own experience that there are two sexes.

This is all very basic biological knowledge that has absolutely nothing to do with gender identity. We actively taught her all of this. OP, if your 3 year old really has no concept of boy/girl or woman/man (although I bet he can tell the difference in adults), I would definitely fill him in on the facts. Awareness of sex is a developmental milestone, so that's why they are asking.

It sounds like perhaps you got confused between sex and gender? The gender onslaught is coming your way very soon, though. 3 is the typical age at which children start becoming enthusiastic gender detectives and policing gender in themselves and their peers. So be ready to combat it when he starts telling you 'girls can't do this, boys can't do that', because it's unavoidable. My 3 year old recently told me that her brother was now a girl because he wanted a clip in his hair. It can be heartbreaking to hear when you have tried to protect them from all that nonsense, but ultimately it's inevitable, you just have to combat it as best you can.

At 3, both of mine could parrot that they were boys, but neither had put much thought into it - even down to equipment - they just didn't really care! The youngest (now 5) still doesn't really believe that I don't have a penis I don't think, but he's not curious enough about it to investigate further (thank goodness. The first time I told him he approached me on the toilet with a pointy finger and the intention of proving me wrong!)

I think we're lucky though, because the eldest is very self-contained, and if something isn't of interest, he just ignores it, and if it is of interest to him, then he doesn't care what other people say - and that attitude has rubbed off on his more impressionable younger brother.

I just asked mine and he said ‘no’ to either option. Tried a few animal suggestions and he selected ‘sheep’. 🐑 🐑 🐑 Baa!

My 3yo knows the difference between boys and girls in terms of sex, but the dog / human difference still stumps him. He gets annoyed when the dog won't build Lego with him, and assumes she doesn't want to play with him. He drinks water from a bowl on the floor alongside the dog.

So when people claim a 3 year old can know their gender identity I find it so ridiculous. 3 year olds don't know their species!

At 3yo my niece identified as a dog.

It is quite ridiculous, isn't it Xiaoxiong? Heck even the hair length gets commented on by the fellow kids (my boy hated getting haircuts and both me and DH have longish hair, and kid once got quite disturbed when asked whether he was a girl and why his Dad didn't have short hair. DS's hair wasn't even long, just not supershort. Just a grown out short cut).
From that perspective, and seeing how strictly the kids are policing one another, I can well see how a 4 year old boy, who just feels it is wrong for him to conform to the boy stereotypes, might decide that he must actually be a girl and be quite adamant about it.

We went through with this around age 4 with DS1 and now going through again age 4 with DS2! Don't want the pink or purple cup as they're for girls, don't want to colour, don't want to play with "dolls" (but lego and playmobil figures are fine ) it's definitely an assertion of the fact that he. Is. A. Big. Boy. And wants more control than he's got.

Interestingly, we moved DS1 into an all boys school this year and it's all vanished. I think he doesn't feel so strongly the need to distinguish himself because everyone there is a boy, so whatever they do, it's "boy stuff" by definition even if it's ballet or pink socks or arts & crafts, all of which he was rejecting as "only for girls" at his previous mixed school.

They really become aware of their sex within the classroom.
Studies have shown that children actually police themselves and each other within early years.

This is very true. At age 4 my boy suddenly became a little gender Nazi, rejecting anything that might be 'for girls' - even though the kindergarten staff always emphasized there is no such thing as 'boy toys' or 'girl toys'. Must have come from the kids.

He wasn't like that before and he thankfully isn't like that any more now, with 7. In fact, we now always make fun of people who think interest in cimbing makes you a boy and interest in cooking makes you a girl. He always says 'but, people who think like that must always be confused, what if you like both?'

They really become aware of their sex within the classroom.
Studies have shown that children actually police themselves and each other within early years. Boys playing with ‘boy toys’ to indicate to there peers that they are a boy and understand they are different etc
It is very important to have a good early years teacher who will role model good behaviours and challenge sexist stereotypes within the classroom.

this is on autism assessment forms as well. (asking about gender)

Yep, dealt with this q with DS. I don't have a problem with it. They are born a particular sex and will have noticed how they are same/different physically to Mum/Dad and the kids at childcare/preschool. Gender is a different concept.

Remembering my developmental psychology modules, three year olds would generally know that they are a boy or girl but not that that state is permanent. So it would be entirely normal for a 3yo boy to want to grow up to be a mummy. Understanding of permanence may not set in until age 5. It really boils my piss that this stage, which all kids go through (although they may not vocalise it) is pounced on and exploited to further adult agendas.

It’s a developmental stages question linked to sex. Lots will have siblings and will have noticed penis or absence of, and be sorting kids into ‘boy like daddy’ or ‘girl like mummy’. It’s about recognizing biology of themselves and others. It’s not about gender identity, although they may have had that forced upon them with the way they are dressed/ toys they are given/ expectations of behaviour.
But the question itself is to determine if the child has figured out the world is divided into two sexes, and which they are.
Hilarious, given the mood. I suspect this question will be banned as transphobic in the near future.

Yep, around 3 is when the concept of gender starts to occur to children. It’s really kind of funny considering how much we (as a culture) bombard them with it.

It happens slightly sooner but iirc for kids who have group care as they will be around some kids of the opposite sex and will begin to see those other kids are referred to and treated differently than them.

And once that concept is fully gelled, from there we get all the rest of the gender roles and stereotypes...

I would imagine the ability to distinguish between the sexes and for a child to realise which category they fit into at 3 is down to thier personal experiences. If they have seen lots of family members or friends of both sexes having a wee, getting dressed or having a nappy changed, they soon realise there are two distinct types of people. Most of my Grandchildren have clicked before thier second birthday but I'd imagine it wouldn't be so obvious for children from smaller or single sex families.

My children all knew their sex at this age (from about 2) and if it was the same or different to mummy/daddy. They know what body parts they have and that they are different to the opposite sex. I think that’s quite normal from friends children of a similar age.

It’s probablh just a ‘knowing about themselves’ question and not linked to anything else.

Forgot the picture!

Nope. Not new.

It's in the ages and stages questionaire.

Both my children have had these checks.

I've attached a photo.

It isn't on the under 36 month checks - and most people have their check at 2-2.5. Hence why others may not know it. I do, because my children have had extra checks due to the older one having developmental concerns.