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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Facilitating Wives Club - trying to break free!

36 replies

GoldenWonderwall · 14/11/2018 14:44

There were a couple of threads earlier in the year about facilitated men which I will link to once I’ve got this thread up and running. I found them very helpful in understanding why I was so frustrated and feeling like I wasn’t the only one stuck in my own life.

I’ve had enough facilitating and I want to do my own thing which is proving very difficult due to lack of available childcare, lack of flexible childcare, little additional support and lack of jobs that pay enough to cover the costs of going to work and the costs and inconvenience of both parents being out working.

My dh is very supportive and does not expect to be facilitated, though he thinks it’s daft me going out to work in a job I don’t want to do to earn money to cover the costs of the job that I don’t really want to do, that has no prospects and that impacts on everyone else.

I’ve tried working from home doing craft and I’ve tried setting up my own business which hasn’t worked out really. I haven’t tried volunteering yet or retraining or just getting any old job and seeing what happens. My confidence is down the drain and I feel very aware of not being someone’s first choice in any kind of work scenario.

I’m interested in this as a feminist, thoughtful issue rather than a knee jerk, aibu, get a job you lazy sahm freeloader because, as plenty of other women seemed to feel on the original threads, I am in this position due to sexism in the workplace. I’m now stuck here in a stereotyped sahm role with a husband who earns well and I feel like I’m supposed to be massively grateful I don’t need to work and all I want to do is throw things and weep for all my lost promise.

I’ll link to the facilitated man threads...

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AssassinatedBeauty · 14/11/2018 20:35

What you're forgetting about working is that as well as the salary, you will be making NI payments and paying into a pension. Presumably you haven't been doing either of those whilst you've been a SAHM?

Is it not possible to work part time in your old role/career?

holidaylady · 14/11/2018 20:32

And what was your previous profession? Women returner programs are in vogue at the moment. Could be worth a Google.

And if you did get a smashing full time job- why couldn't your DH take over the childcare and go part time?

holidaylady · 14/11/2018 20:30

The pregnant and screwed team is doing a 1 day conference thingy in January. (on a sat so no childcare issues).
Maybe go to that and see how it goes?

GoldenWonderwall · 14/11/2018 20:28

Lettera I feel trapped and angry mainly! I had a good career and it was buggered up with having dc and now I stay at home and fit round dh as he goes from strength to strength.

It’s looking like to try and get back in the workplace you go down to the bottom and try and start again which I accept to a point, though it’s massively unfair and it’s very difficult to, for example, have the person on ££££ doing loads of dropping off and picking up so someone on £ can do a couple of shifts. It’s illogical and inefficient. And my family would all accommodate me so I could go and earn £ but why? Why kill your self to scrape £ if you don’t have to (and I have done in the past and do not think I’m above it or anything now).

I’m feeling really down because I keep finding jobs that sound good but there are aspects which aren’t good that they keep quiet until they’ve started getting your hopes up. I feel like the models are keep your career going at all costs, accept the mummy track or sahm and and get a little part time job when the kids are all at school. I wasn’t allowed to do the first or eventually the second and I don’t want to do the third but I don’t know what the other options are?

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Lettera · 14/11/2018 19:03

Golden, can you explain what it is about your situation you don't like?

GoldenWonderwall · 14/11/2018 18:46

Thanks for replying Smile

crow it’s the sanity thing you’re right. We have family money so childcare wouldn’t be out of my wages but say you earn £800 a month and to enable you to do that you pay out £600 childcare and £100 travel - is it worth the hassle for £100 a month extra when the job isn’t a career and effectively stops the facilitation of dh so he would stop where he is - which is fine, for the right role for me, but not just because I’m going slightly mad.

happy I understand what you’re saying, I’m a bit ambivalent about volunteering in general so maybe I need to think about why that is.

tuf that’s brilliant you forged a new career from your voluntary work! You’re a brave woman doing kids swimming lessons, I’ve enough on my hands with just my dc Grin

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TufVoyaging · 14/11/2018 17:05

Do give volunteering a try. I was talked into volunteering into my son's swim club, now my youngest is at school that is what I do. I love it, and I never even liked swimming.

happydappy2 · 14/11/2018 16:40

Volunteering can be a great stepping stone to getting back into paid work. It can be as flexible as you need it to be, and honestly the knowledge that you’re giving something back by donating your time is a rewarding feeling. Looking after a family can feel a slightly thankless task, but if you balance it out by looking after yourself, exercise, mental stimulation, learning something new from time to time I personally think it can work.

UpstartCrow · 14/11/2018 15:11

You don't have to be grateful and you don't have to work; it doesn't make sense to put yourself through the stress if you don't come out of it with any money of your own. (are you paying all the childcare costs?)

You do have to find something meaningful to do, for your own sanity.

GoldenWonderwall · 14/11/2018 14:46

Thread 2

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3088346-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-Part-2

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