How to raise a strong daughter

OP - I didn't mean to make you feel like an idiot, I don't think you sound like one at all. My DD is 14 now and I've been making it up as I go along, making mistakes by the dozen and learning an awful lot from this board.

I disagree with some of the views on here, such as a woman needs to work in order to have value. That really pisses me off!

Bertrand that must have been so hard for all concerned, glad she's in a better place now

Lead by example.

Teach them about money, self-sufficiency and financial management.

Encourage them in the things they are good at and the things that interest them. They can leave the other stuff to other people.

Teach them never to take any shit from boys. (When one of my DDs came home aged 10 saying that a boy had called the the C-word, I taught them to own the language and say it out loud until we were laughing our heads off. The word belongs to us, and can never be used against us.)

Tell them the truth. About everything.

Let them watch you standing your ground, speaking your truth, and being an adult human female.

Let them know they have choice, agency and autonomy over every aspect of their lives.

I have raised warrior women, and I couldn't be prouder.

And just for balance-or something- we can only do our best - and it doesn't always work and it's not always our fault. I thought I had raised a strong confident feminist daughter- but she met an abusive man and it all went out of the window in days. I take comfort from the fact that she has got herself out of it- but we can only do so much.

My DD is a teen now, and a fierce feminist who knows her salt’s worth.
I too come from a dysfunctional family and had to learn it all from books.
I’ve not gone down autoritharian route, but I am an authoritative parent. What I mean by that is that my main aim has been to teach her HOW to think, not WHAT to think. She has always been encouraged to argue her point of view and assume the consequences of her own actions.

I have always taken her seriously, no matter how trivial the issue. I’ve listened to her fears and questions. I made sure she understood her body belongs to her, she sets the boundaries. And that adults aren’t always right, that adults act like children sometimes, that she is entitled to her own opinion.
But most of all, my main priority has been to create a safe environment/relationship between us, where she can come and air anything without the fear of being ridiculed, told off etc.
HTH

Just to reassure you op my ‘gentley parenting girls’ (by instinct more than intensional design) are very popular well liked by peers and adults, despite having asc/pda/adhd and the social difficulties that come with it. They have always been well liked and never short of friends to invite them for play dates and parties. They also share perfectly well with their friends, despite me refusing to ‘teach’ them to share. So don’t doubt yourself.

By example OP. Be the woman you want your daughter to be.

This with bells on. It does not matter what you say, it is what you do, all the time, without thinking that will be the biggest influence. Your attitude to your work, your behaviour with her father/your partner, how you navigate the outside world, how people treat you and how you respond to that, how you spend your money, what you value and how you are valued. Millions of unconscious messages that over ride pretty much anything you say. It is very much a case of 'physician, heal thyself.' If you want a strong daughter you have to be a strong woman.

Encouraging them to air their views. Debating perspectives. Commenting on injustice- often easier initially to do in the wider world, so talking about places where either now or historically women have had a rough time. Encouraging them to have a sense of boundaries- not forcing them to give Great Uncle Frank a kiss and a cuddle. Trying to model equality in the home. Going to work so she sees you earning money and being a woman who is not reliant on a man. Realising that your dd is more feminist than you are and being supportive of that.

By example OP. Be the woman you want your daughter to be.

I can’t find a particular article I was looking for regarding teaching kids to assert boundaries from todddlerhood on, but here is a not-as-good-as-the-one-I-remember article that has some of the same points:

rewire.news/article/2015/04/09/can-teach-kids-consent-without-bringing-sex-conversation/

And also, from inside the above book - say no to lady-brain!

In raising a strong daughter, there is only one thing in my mind I'll make sure that she is a family-centered. Because it all comes with a good parenting.

This is a really interesting thread.

I think the most important thing we can teach girls is how to set, communicate and expect respect for their own boundaries (I think boys should learn this too, but society will do some of the work for us with boys, and with girls it will likely work against us).

I agree with Lang that male free time is likely very important, and learning this early will make it more natural for our daughters to seek it out for themselves as adults. Women only spaces are very precious, and families are now so spread out and many women have babies later, so an automatic family network of elder women is less likely to feature (my Nan was one of 7 sisters, all within a couple of mile radius!)

And listening, really listening, to what she thinks, needs & wants as an individual, rather than letting her be puffed away in a cloud of princess sparkles. This can get hard in school!

My daughter is currently enjoying the Little People, Big Dreams books:

www.waterstones.com/booklist/377114/little-people-big-dreams-series

Agree with @Vegilante re sharing - and that it should be about fairness not sharing as a baseline.
Have always made a song and dance about how DD being strong (she is) has helped her do stuff she loves (climbing), but tempered by 'with great power comes great responsibility' (she loves superheroes).

DD is still occasionally shy (fine), can be sensitive (fine, though working on resilience as she takes slights to heart), but she rejects skirts and dresses as restrictive and she has no trick with 'for boys' rhetoric.

One more point, about kids sharing:

I personally find it weird & hypocritical that adults in the materially-well-off Western world expect little kids to do so much sharing when we grownups do so little of it ourselves. What's more, we expect even very young children to be gracious, good sports about it. In my experience, kids get wise to the unfair double-standard pretty early.

Can you see that Amy’s crying? I think she was enjoying that truck. What could we do to make her happy?

OP - good of you to cite & raise questions about those lines & the book that suggested you say them to your very young DD. You do not seem like an idiot; you come across as a concerned, thoughtful, inquiring mom. Please don't put yourself down!

We all want our children to develop empathy, equity/fairness & self-esteem. But these are three different things, & it's best not to try to instill empathy & make our kids share before they're developmentally ready, or in ways that can undercut their emerging sense of self & self-esteem. This is especially the case with daughters, as girls traditionally have been raised to put others before self from the get-go.

IMO trying to instill empathy in a two-year-old of either sex in such forced, overt ways is age-inappropriate; & attempting to do so by saying those particular lines to DD at any age will inadvertently impart some potentially harmful lessons. As others have pointed out, it's teaching DD to focus on & prioritize other people's feelings at an age when she needs to be learning how to feel, name & be OK with her own emotions.

Besides, the fact is, we humans can truly empathize with others only if we've already had the opportunity, time & support to experience, know, appreciate & feel comfortable with the array of emotions in our own psyches first. And the/a main way children learn empathy is by seeing parents & other influential figures demonstrate or model it in the way we treat them & others.

Re the specific situation you described: Instead of posing questions about Amy to DD, it would be better for a parent here to model empathy - as well as curiosity, forthrightness & an awareness that no one, not even moms, can read minds - by simply querying Amy directly & leaving DD out of it altogether.

Better for both children if the grownup here said, "'Amy, I see you are crying. Do you know why? Can you tell me why?" If Amy said, "I want the truck," an appropriate response would be something along the lines of, "You'll have another turn with the truck in a moment. Let's find you a fun toy to play with till then."

If Amy's response reveals she's crying for another reason - maybe her stomach hurts, she's tired, she has a toothache, she hates that she played with a truck in the first place because she identifies as a Barbie doll Disney princess type of girl, or she's suddenly been struck by early-onset gender dysphoria that's causing her to jones for all the trucks & other "boy toys" in the whole world, right now! - then that specific reason could be addressed. And all the while, DD would be left to her own enjoying!

Hope this was helpful. Good luck!

Interesting thread I will read tomorrow

The thing about barking 'Share!' at toddlers is that they learn that's what's expected of them. To share. They don't have to at home, but do in public. This is basic socialisation. Making a massive song and dance about 'Ooooh what can we do to make Amyhappy, let's give her the truck' is confusing, as why is your daughter having to make Amy happy?!? At a playgroup everyone has a turn, it's about fairness and social expectations.

I wonder if you are practicing 'Gentle Parenting'. CHildren need to learn the rules and expectations in society, and being told off for wrongdoing is not harmful, as long as it's not abusive. The 'gently parented' children I know are without exception awful, feral brats whom their peers dislike.

Teach your daughter that she's entitled to take up as much space as anyone else, and she's entitled to her turn, whilst not taking from others

Clear expectations and known rules until they develop self discipline.
Teaching empathy and the impact their behaviour has on others. Learning to be kind to themselves and others.
High achievement.
I wouldn’t agree with constant praise - it creates an impossible pedestal from which they will fall. They need to understand they get things wrong. They need to know they can make mistakes and survive.
Not jumping in to solve every problem for them and not promoting the myth of perpetual happiness. Children need to learn they can cope and overcome adversity.
Allowing risk taking and avoiding the harm that is a cotton wool lifestyle.

I recommend looking up RIE and Janet Lansbury OP. I don't agree with all of it but it's an interesting approach to parenting which I think Foster's self confidence.

I actively praise dd (nearly 5) for standing up for herself. But equally I will be firm with her if she has acted unfairly towards someone else. I think stories are so powerful for little ones. I've never read her any books with princesses being saved etc. I also change the sex of characters in books all the time. There is so rarely a girl character in a children's book who doesn't have the personality 'girl'. This is getting more challenging now she can read! Although she is now horrified that all of the animals in dear Zoo are boys. So we can start talking about how silly that is.

I've never told her she's beautiful. I will say she looks super smart if I like her outfit.

Who knows if it's going to work but she's very confident now. I just hope it lasts.

Oh & we do a no swiping rule. I never understood the insistence on sharing. Each have their own special things that are theirs that no one else touches, the other less important stuff they negotiate. Sharing is only a kind thing if volunteered and not forced.

Some things we did/do (dd is 13)

Limited pink/princess crap we were those annoying parents. We once compromised on pink converse shoes when she was a flower girl.

Lots of intentional role modeling, I choose books very carefully.

Showing her that we have her back. My dd was painfully shy until about age 6. I never pushed her or forced her to be nice - her boundaries should be respected (even if it was embarrassing to me sometimes!)

Giving her 3 little brothers lol. Like heck will they be stronger/smarter/more capable than her at anything - competitive siblings! My MIL told her once that her brothers were going to be bigger & stronger one day (true) and she was just like 'oh haaaaaill no!'

One of the most extreme things we chose was to homeschool.

Oh and teach her to trust her gut instincts. If she doesn’t like a kid she doesn’t have to, if she distrusts someone she’s allowed to have barriers. She doesn’t have to be friends with everyone or to forgive someone who hurts her.

This is especially important for me with my kids. They are hugely anxious and hold grudges against kids for seemingly none existent things, yet I work hard not to talk them out of these grudges as a few times when school have it turns out my girls were eight & the kid they appear irrationally scared of was targeting them and they didn’t need to learn to shut up and move over and play nice when they knew deep down there was reason to be scared.

Reads like a trick question- be a strong woman surely?

I would say combate your own misogyny. It will be there even if you think it’s not, we all have it socialised in to us, but challenge that. (Subservient little woman comment above reaks of my mother’s own misogyny).

I’ve read the book you mean, I had very abusive childhood also so read a lot from nvc/up etc but found I went with instinct more than anything. That said as my kids turned out to have asc amoung other things I’m glad I went with avoiding ‘praise praise praise’ type approaches and aimed to describe my emotions -I’m so proud of you, I’m having such a great time playing with you, thank you for the fun day etc or described theirs -I can see you are angry/upset/anxious etc -it’s helped a lot with their emotional literacy & communication skills despite several disabilities. I did a lot of descriptive stuff also -wow you did it, you climbed the whole way etc. It holds more meaning for my kids than transitional praise, so I get looking at these approaches. I found growing up in trust: parenting without reward or punishment a better option for that age though, more practical and relatable read, and playful parenting is very helpful also- although it doesn’t directly relate to your question I would imagine it would be easy to taylor many of the role play approaches to it, as well as useful for problem solving when you hit preschool years and sadly girls suddenly get stampeded by boys who already seem more entitled.

Imho I don’t think not telling them they are beautiful is a perfect answer. My mother did this, and all that happened is I became desperate for others to tell me it while convinced I was ugly so became make up and clothes obsessed as a teen. I think it’s great for girls to enjoy their beauty, but I guess the thing is to help them enjoy it for themselves, not because the live up to the male fantasy that’s pushed on us. I don’t have the answer for that but I don’t think never telling girls how beautiful they are is it.

I’d also disagree with keeping them away from Disney’s films. Again this was me, no Disney’s films, no barbie dolls, no pink clothes ever & no dolly & buggy like the other girls in my class. I felt excluded from something I felt I wasn’t good enough for as well as getting the message that girly was a bad bad thing (which is just another form of misogyny). I was also give plenty of ‘boys toys’ so learned that being like a boy was a good thing, and so I would never be good enough. The same way tomboy is cool as it’s to do with being like a boy yet girl is an insult. Not getting to churn through the girly barbie pink stage and discard it meant it was more attractive to me and that I hit it later, and being into female gender stereotypes as a developing preteen is not healthy at all, wanting nothing but skirts and pretty hair and nails and sexy bras at the point I was most vulnerable is not great at all.

I think imho that it’s important to not deny all the negative sex role stereotypes and the influences that push them there are within our society. Doing so meant I never got the opportunity to examin (with adult help) all the confused mixed messages they set off for me. I think it’s more important to being open to listen to girls concerns about why girls should like pink or why the prince always saves the princess, or to initiate conversation age appropriately about babie and her waiste size. If it’s not hidden or shunned it can be discussed and examined and most importantly their feelings and worries can be something they can bring to you, not hide away and bottle up.

I do think it’s hugely important to counter this with a variety of other examples of how to be a girl, from as many real life ones as possible to Tracy beaker or the paper bag princess or Patti Smith or whatever you find that works. The great thing about this is you need to get out there and look, which actually makes life more interesting.

I’d also say get her into horse riding, over and above every other activity or sport, it’s the only one where she won’t drop out when she hits puberty and has to deal with her changing body, where she will get to feel how powerful her body is as she controls a huge strong horse with it, where she can compete on equal footing to boys sports wise as it’s the skill of communicating with the horse that matters not physical strength and where it’s totally normal to be conferred in muck and have stinky sweaty hat hair all day to counter the teenage push to obsess over appearance. Teaches a lot of self awareness and assertiveness also as horses pick up on everything. I know price can put people off but really it’s not something that has to be expensive, many yards offer cheap group lessons (£12 per half hr where I am) membership to pony club without the need to own one, work for ride opportunities, winter loan/shares, holiday camps cheaper than child care etc. There are a lot of practical skills involved that are great for girls especially to learn also.