How can I have it all without doing it all?

I predict that the next thing will be women being told they have to get to work and have babies or the human race will die out
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-46118103
There has been a remarkable global decline in the number of children women are having, say researchers.
Their report found fertility rate falls meant nearly half of countries were now facing a "baby bust" - meaning there are insufficient children to maintain their population size.
The researchers said the findings were a "huge surprise".
And there would be profound consequences for societies with "more grandparents than grandchildren".

I don't know I think 'have it all' was setting women up to fail
In order for women to get a better deal men will have to make concessions and they don't want to

Oh and take the bigger job.

Husband out, au pair or nanny in. Job done :)

More seriously your DH is being an arse. A lazy thoughtless self absorbed arse.
You have more earning power by the sound of things so he should step up domestically. It's so bloody obvious tbh.

I'm wondering tho if you're on a senior manager salary plus his income, how come you can't afford any support? Is your mortgage vv high? Or commute vv costly? You might find it easier to manage if you free up some cash for a cleaner or nanny.

I worked Ft as did my DP when we had DTwins and only managed it with a live out nanny. But that still left shitloads to be done and my DP did his fair share without demur because they were his kids living in his family home.

Tbh I think that the ‘have it all’ myth was an attempt at proving that women don’t need men. The result is a generation of women who have unreasilstic expectations of themselves and screw up their lives as a result. My parents had it all. They grew up i the ussr. They had no choice but to have high flying careers while trying to support a family because the government wouldn’t pay a reasonable salary and there was no free market private sector. It was shit. Children grew up with limited parent input. Parents were completely exhausted. Even with the help on grandparents and hired help people were barely scraping by. It’s not a way that any reasonable person would want to live. I just don’t understand it. Why would you want to put yourself in a position where you are forced to do everything in a half arsed manner?

If he can hold down a job then of course he is capable of managing long term logistics for the children. He just doesn't want to and knows he doesn't have to.

I'd go for the job and discuss with your partner how things will need to change to facilitate that.

If I wasn't around then he would be able to look after the kids although standards would be very low - lots of cartoons and chicken nuggets.
He'd most likely have to get my Mum down to help. There's no way he could manage the logistics over an extended period of time.

It sounds like he's not great with the kids at all, then. He can (presumably) do some of the fun bits in the style of a sort of uncle figure, but you clearly don't think much of him as an actual father. What is his job? I'm assuming he possesses some basic organisational skills that he needs for that. If he's coping at work, he can cope at home.

But, perhaps I am selling him short.

One would certainly hope so! For what it's worth, even though I don't know him I am pretty sure that you are (and also that he is deliberately selling himself short because it suits him). Anyway, practice makes perfect. I strongly suggest you give him a lot more practice. This is definitely tricky when you are breastfeeding as biology just isn't fair during this period of parenting. But you have to fight tooth and nail to ensure that the realities of breastfeeding don't shape the permanent dynamics of your family in a way you don't want them too. I understand from personal experience how these roles just seem to naturally emerge. You have to be really vigilant.

I did similar as a single parent. You have to outsource. I had an aupair, cleaner, a gardener and all our shopping was delivered. It is still really hard going. That said, now my DC are at uni I have a well paid senior job and am on my way to an early retirement. I used to feel guilty, until I remarked to my son that I had never baked his birthday cake and he just looked at me blankly, it had never occurred to him that I should! I had no one else, if you are a team your DH needs to step up

You are the breadwinner, your job may potentially be at risk if you don't step up. DH needs to step up to his family responsibilities in this scenario.

It doesn't sound like you have the choice to just maintain the status quo.

@julia not on the same level as me. He would have thought about it eventually but by then it's usually too late to do anything practically!

DH still needs to step up so that he can look after the children for more than a day at a time.

Or do I suck it up for next few years and then spread my wings when kids are older??

I would urge some caution over this. I’ve worked for my wingspreading time and now I’m chronically ill. I have also wondered if the illness may also be a result of chronic stress and overwork.

Not saying don’t go for it. Just try to keep perspective over quality of life now versus future reward.

Yes husband's create wife work!
I remember a few years ago when hubby was Manfully carrying all those big heavy shopping bags into the kitchen I thought how nice that he's lugging all that about and I don't have to
then I thought hold on most of that food is for him anyway 🤣

Husbands create a lot of wifework as well. Don't underestimate how much extra work he is creating for you as well as just not contributing.

it suddenly dawned on him how unfair he was being
Wifework aka life admin just isn't on the internal to-do list is it🙄

OP I think that it probably depends how happy you are with low standards (chicken nuggets and tv) for the kids then and whether your Mum is willing to help long term. Maybe you should discuss it with her.

I mean, obviously it would be more ideal if he just grew up and acted like a responsible adult and parent (lots of people have a lot of stress, it's life, doing stuff with your kids and cooking nice meals for them can actually be quite rewarding and non stressful if you structure it well), but you do need to be realistic for the kids sakes.

I know it's not easy to balance these things. Good luck with a difficult decision.

I have a 9 yr old, but have been working this system and an LP since he was 2 (before that I worked 4 days a week).
It has got easier since he's been at school and we have an au pair. Rushing to childminder collection was quite stressful.
The days are fine, we don't know any different and have a very close relationship.

@Ineedacupofteadesperately, thanks 😊
I think it always helps if you can try and reframe the issue

Maybe it just isn't possible to have it all - the job, the children etc? And I am talking about both parents equally here. Perhaps as a unit you have to be very frank about what your resources allow you to do. By resources I mean financial, emotional, physical, time etc.

Realistically if you together can't afford to buy in the help that you need then this has to factor in your decisions. Either a parent has to pick up/drop off at school, look after children during school holidays, illness etc, do the shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing or you pay someone to do it.

I am a LP who works fulltime in a high pressure City job. I am out of the house 7.30am till 6.30pm everyday. I buy in help with an au pair and cleaner, but it is fine.
If I can cope, I'm sure your DH will be fine.