How can I have it all without doing it all?

"He had the option of flexible working but chooses not to. He could wfm regularly and reduce his commute but chooses not to. He was meant to have applied for flexible working to cover drop-off and pick ups on Friday and hasn’t."

Why? Has he offered any explanation for not doing any of these easy steps? He doesn't even have the excuse of being the higher earner and feeling that he needs to protect his job from signs of having domestic responsibilities.

In order for women to get a better deal men will have to make concessions and they don't want to

OP sounds like this is what is happening - so he hasn't even taking up a working from home option to do some drop offs and pick ups? That he'd agreed to? He doesn't seem to care about you much and the stress you're under from the sound of it.

Hi
If you have the capability to take a more senior job then I would advise you to take it.
Then you can sort out DH and outsource other tasks.
You never know what the future holds. I lost my husband to cancer when my daughter was 6 and suddenly everything became my responsibility. Having a senior role and being paid well helped enormously with being flexible in my work hours and paying for help.
Now 10 years on, and it wasn't all plain sailing but she has a good female role model, I have a great career, we're happy and we don't care if the house gets dusty and a bit untidy. We just invite someone round and then it's gets cleaned.
So I'd say take the promotion. Don't sit and watch someone else do it, when you know you can do it.
Best of luck x

Jesus Christ this is so depressing.

You weren't conned by feminists but by your partner
^ This 100%

Men aren't incapable of coping, they can't just not do it, it isn't 'wife-work'.

How do people think gay couples or single men or single fathers cope? Stop falling for the bullshit that he just doesn't 'notice' the washing or just can't 'remember' his mother birthday etc etc.

Expect more of him and think better of yourselves.

The person at home is 'er indoors'
men are out doing manly macho high status things

He's really staying away from that working from home option isn't he
he really doesn't want to be thought of as a person who is available to do domestic work

@ginger you can....but it only tends to work in dual career couples who both place the same emphasis on career and who share household responsibilities equally. Well, that's what the research shows ( there's quite a bit of research on career theory and women)

It requires serious buy in from both and compromises along the way. It doesn't work well when people place salary as the most important aspect of their career. That can create a power imbalance.

Even as a SAHP it’s hard to hear that your work isn’t valued. For someone who’s out of the house for a full day it’s just insulting to be told they’re not the “breadwinner”
Maybe the problem is that we still use the term breadwinner?
It carries the meaning that the highest earner is the top dog

Except you are not his equal.
You are better than him.
You earn more, you do more at home and you are more capable.

OP I empathize so much. Am in a similar situation though with my husband he can watch our kid indefinitely... he just can't be bothered to do literally anything else around the house unless A) I specifically tell him exactly what to do AND B) he happens to be feeling great at that moment.

He has mental health issues. Stress, anxiety, depression. But ultimately I do think learned helplessness contributes. I wasn't born being able to cook and tidy - I had to learn to do it and I still struggle to do it all on my own (especially since he adds to the mess). And I am losing hours I could be spending on my career instead.

My long term plan so that I don't fall flat on my face in my career is to wait for him to finish his retraining and start making income again, then outsource house cleaning, quality childcare, and order out food more often.

One thing to think about is if you were divorced or separated would he refuse to watch the kids his days/weeks because he couldn't handle it? If you dropped dead? No he would step up, I imagine, or hire a nanny at least. Or maybe he would he move back with his parents because he can't handle the "wife work"? That seems to be the new thing...

Good luck. It's increasingly difficult to find capable people to share your life with I think. I would take the job. Tell him that you will need him to step up and take over some task. If he's not able to watch the kids without MH issues, then he can cook or tidy more to make up the difference.

He's choosing not to cope with the kids. Working nicely for him.

I don't think women can 'have it all' to be fair, depending on what you consider 'having it all' means. I don't think you can have a shit-hot, high powered, high wage earning, long hours working job and be the mum you might want to be. But that's just my opinion.

guy who's happy (theoretically) to treat me as an equal

What does that actually mean?

If he’s treating you as an equal then it’s not theory. It’s reality.

Some great advice from others here.

One thing I would say though, if he’s out of the house 8-6.30 you’re not “the breadwinner”.

You may be the higher earner but you are downplaying his role in working and bringing in a wage, so be careful not to crush his spirit entirely when you talk about him cutting back his hours to facilitate you.

It’s not a gendered thing, for anyone working long hours, regardless of whether or how much they earn, they want validation that their work is valued.

You will get a better response from him by valuing the contribution he makes than by belittling his work because it doesn’t pay as well as yours.

Even as a SAHP it’s hard to hear that your work isn’t valued. For someone who’s out of the house for a full day it’s just insulting to be told they’re not the “breadwinner”.

I do think you should go for it and buy in help where you can to make both your lives easier but you also need a frank conversation about what he brings to the table at home and about contributing equally in any way you are both able.

It might be that your new role includes some travel, in which case he will need to step up with the parenting. There are breakfast clubs, childminders etc to assist with school run, but that shouldn’t be INSTEAD of him pulling his weight, but as well as.

That would cover DH's hours.

With a more senior job it might be more cost effective to have a nanny for slightly longer hours. 8.30-6.30 is not unusual.

I’m not advocating you leave, but a discussion on what would happen if you were to leave and have joint 50:50 custody might be enlightening for him? Say one week withvthe kids each, alternate week. He’d need to do everything.

Could he maintain his job? Does he them see how your presence facilitated his career? Does he think the setup is fair?

For the second time today: this thread ...www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3082251-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-how-did-this-happen

Is enlightening.

If he can’t do basic childcare, that’s worrying and a bit pathetic. It’s also strategic incompetence- do it badly so no one will ask again.

So yes, a gigantic kick up the arse in order.

You must be paying for childcare now?