Having a really tricky time at the moment. Over the last few weeks (but particularly this week) I have been repeatedly let down professionally and also personally by colleagues, relatives and my DH. This has resulted in me being forced to take on additional work I am not qualified for, working extremely long hours, under huge and very public stress, with very public consequences should the work not be perfect. There have been obvious knock on consequences for my health as well as me having to reduce my time with my children (they have been plugged into electronics the entire week).
I've been thinking about why this has happened, how I can prevent it happening again etc. It's just occurred to me that in all these instances it has been men who have let me down. I'm talking about 7 or 8 different men. I HAVE had a little support from 2 men (but only in an incidental /protecting their own interests way) and 3 or 4 women who know what's happening have been helpful too. I work in a traditional, fairly patriarchal male dominated environment and I'm a woman with 'visible' children (I am often seen by my colleagues with them as I live close to my work).
I feel I have become resentful towards these men for putting themselves first, for refusing to help with situations that THEY have created, for forcing me to effectively clear up after their incompetence and for not helping when I KNOW they have the capacity to do so.
It just feels like I'm wobbling around at the top of a ladder asking for help and they're having coffee looking up my skirt and smirking while I sweat.