Be Kind

DD2 is doing wonder at school - some of the homework was how to respond to people who are different - apparently correct answer was to be kind which I do understand no one want to be unkind to people who are different.

I gave her be polite and friendly unless their behaviour is scaring you then get away.

I was thinking more about family friends DS who has been the rare minority of mental ill people who is a danger to others – he’s violet to his family but it’s the public violence that usually gets him sectioned.

I thought I’d handled it really badly though pure fluke on a shopping trip we encounter two situations that helped with the difference.

Older children have friends from different backgrounds which I think is a good thing but they’ve been told by youth group workers they should make friends from different background and I got the impression is was less about religious and ethnicity and more about LGBT but the reason given was "how it looks".

Then I was left floundering saying you should pick friends on how they treat you and if you like them not on who they sleep with though having friends with different experiences is good thing - and felt back footed again.

Reminds me of the Mashes take on how not to How NOT to sexually harass someone
women – we all know where the boundaries are really.

I don't want children who are unkind to others but I don't want them in postion where others can exploit them.

As someone on here once said, No is a complete sentence:

Absolutely. I agree. Be kind.

Be kind to domestic violence victims who need safe spaces to heal.
Be kind to rape victims who are unnerved by men in female toilets
Be kind to female prisoners who don't want to shower with be-penised rapists
Be kind to young girls starting to menstruate who need privacy
...
Oh, wait. They don't mean being kind to women and girls.

And my examples aren't even 'kindness'. Kindness would be a lot more than that. This should be the absolute bare minimum required to respect women's dignity and privacy. But hey, ho. What's that compared to validating a male-bodied person's feelings?

I am so fed up with this already.

Mumsnet FWR Guide to De-Programming Yourself From Self-Harming Kindness

This would be the most wonderful thing.

I think they've commissioned Bunbury to write it...

Mumsnet FWR Guide to De-Programming Yourself From Self-Harming Kindness

This would be the most wonderful thing.

To be blunt, fuck being kind.

No lies, no compromise

Deborah Tannen would say that perceived unkindness in women is heavily 'marked' behaviour tho' it's got to the point where any deviation from expected kindness/self-abasement is perceived as 'unkindness'.

Kindness is 'marked' behaviour in men and noticed from them but it's expected from women so doesn't distinguish us.

So, women perceived as unkind may fare badly in public perception unless we're aware that we're being manipulated that way. We have to challenge these assumptions in a non-confrontational way that will hamper our arguments but there's no obvious solution.

Kindness, of the sort that is mandated from women, actively harms us. It makes our boundaries harmfully permeable. Just Say, No!

If you replace with ‘shut up woman’ it makes a whole lot more sense

I think it's another example of some people having a different dictionary to the rest of us.

I suspect fair and facts may have different definitions as well.

Yes yes yes! Thank you Nosquirrels for this post

I was getting very despondent last night on the newsnight post as I felt that though 'our' speakers were excellent - well informed professional, rational, not speaking over the other speakers etc, I think, to the uninitiated, the panel discussion was 'won' by Helen Blecher.

I say this because, whilst I appreciate she peak transed some new people with her 'feminine' appearance, I think she controlled the debate, continually bringing it back to the GRA administration .. more of the same .. la la boring procedures .. nothing to see here & managed to largely obscure the elephant in the room.

That 'elephant' for me is that the consultation is actually who gets to decide what a woman is (and that we'll just have to go along with someone else's 'feeling' on this no matter how preposterous)

H.B used underhand tactics such as mis-stating facts, dissembling etc but the main weapon was by speaking over everyone else - but in her soothing gentle voice which made it appear less dominant. It was a clear expression of male entitlement just as with Ben Cohen on Politicslive but done in a far cleverer way.

The tone was good ('kind', non threatening 'woman') but the tactics employed were anything but.

Whilst visually it worked for us, HB uses 'unkind' tactics wrapped up in a 'kind' voice to score emotional points

I'm aware I'm dribbling on (sorry - fairly new to all this and trying to feel my way through) and I don't know what the answer is. I'm not suggesting that we lie, do anything to undermine our credibility or be aggressive in any way but I do think there is an issue here. Am I making any sense????! Ahem ..

I find it dispiriting how hard it is to overcome female socialisation to be kind- even when you are aware it exists. I am so annoyed with myself that I can slip back into this, especially when stressed or very tired. It takes so much mental effort to override it.
Any tips?

I brought my daughter up to be kind.

It was only this summer, when we had to go to the police because she was being stalked and harassed that it struck me that 'kindness' means lowering boundaries. She had been too kind to tell his man outright that she wasn't interested, and when she tried he didn't listen. He understood that 'no' meant he just had to push harder.

If I could go back to the start with my daughters 'NO' would be the first word I would teach them. And I would tell them not to put others first.

......of course the difference is those things are at least theoretically possible.

Yes.

This reminds me of when I worked with young people and the general approach was to be unquestioningly positive about their future plans to win x factor, make a living as a gamer or become a successful you tuber.

Vipers, Assemble!

Do we need a Mumsnet FWR Guide to De-Programming Yourself From Self-Harming Kindness?

Yes be respectful and act with dignity, but be prepared to stand up for what you believe in.

I have not seen transactivists use much kindness when considering the impact on vulnerable women when aiming to take over their spaces. As far as I can see it is all about their feelz.

I do a sort of mental ‘find/replace’ function when I see this now.

If you replace with ‘shut up woman’ it makes a whole lot more sense

chalk that made me !

Personally, I don't think it is 'kind' to feed people's delusions.

OTOH, AWA could be kind and stop the relentless push into our spaces. Kind need not be a one-sided endeavour.

People telling me - that if I don't entirely give in to their demands that I give up being able to define what a woman is, protect women's privacy and safety and the rights for women to compete fairly in their own sports - I'm not being "kind" can fuck right off.

When commenters are calling for kindness to be compelled, and accepted as women's default position, there is no virtue associated with it - it's entitlement to women's lack of self-compassion, and even nudges us towards a position where we're expected to embrace self-harm for the notional gain of others - people who feel entitled to that sacrifice.

Yes - this sinusitis is souring my mood but I feel strongly that mandated kindness is no friend to women.

Kind my arse.
My fav graffiti ever, seen on a bus stop outside a girls' state school in Islington:

I'M NOT A BITCH, I'M THE BITCH, AND THAT'S MS BITCH TO YOU