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Original poster

DH showed his true colours today

63 replies

serenawren · 12/10/2018 14:55

We were at the shopping centre and we walked past a group of early teen boys who had spotted a girl that they took a fancy to. One of the boys made some motion to his friends to signify that he was getting a hard on. Of course, I was disgusted and told DH that if DS did anything like that, I’d be really upset. He just laughed and said ‘boys will be boys’
I said that is not an excuse for anything, we’ll just carry on letting men assault women because hey, boys will be boys 🙄
Then, he had the fucking audacity to ask me if I was due my period. A few harsh words were said and once we were home, he asked if I was still huffing with him. I said no, but I do think we need to talk about it later once DS is in bed and he says ‘really? You’ve been in poor form all day and I don’t know why’
WHAT?
We had a really nice day! Wtf? I asked how, and he couldn’t say, just I’ve been moody. What a ridiculous diversion tactic.
Does anyone know of any good articles in which I can show my DH which could potentially explain this better than I can? TIA

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 12/10/2018 16:57

Try this twitter thread:
twitter.com/JuliusGoat/status/1048547179193946112

Reverses it round men being kicked in the nuts and contains some gems like girls being girls and just can't help kicking men in the nuts.

Original poster
serenawren · 12/10/2018 16:55

@ferrier I never once discussed the attitudes of girls, and that's because I don't know what teenage girls attitudes are these days; I never really have too much interaction with females who aren't my age. When have I done any blanket tarnishing?

OP posts:
KataraJean · 12/10/2018 16:47

That may be true Milk so maybe stop with the casual generalisations.

DarlingNikita · 12/10/2018 16:47

Milk, you didn't ask if the boys were gesturing at their genitalia, you asked if they approached the girl, which is a different question.

I'd be really fucked off with my DP if he did this, both 'boys will be boys' and the frankly insulting question about your period.

ferrier · 12/10/2018 16:46

I think you're in cloud cuckoo land if you don't thing that girls in groups exhibit misandrist attitudes too. Not to say that either is right. And not to say that the impact on boys is anywhere near that of the impact on girls. But I don't like this blanket tarnishing of boys when girls can be and are just as bad.

I'd be annoyed about the period comment though.

morningconstitutional2017 · 12/10/2018 16:44

Annoying isn't it? I don't know of any articles about this subject but you could say that no, your period isn't due, you're just being a shit and that applies whichever time of the month it is. Repeat ad nauseum until he gets the message.

WokerThanWoke · 12/10/2018 16:44

Have you seen the new campaign in Australia against casual sexism? They're very short videos, but rejecting the "boys will be boys" mantra.

www.respect.gov.au/the-campaign/campaign-materials/

Makethisquick · 12/10/2018 16:41

I do drip drip drip with my children and avoid big talks as they don't get it. Maybe same would work with DH?

Pointing to an erection isn't the same as saying to friends I'd like to ask her on a date surely.

Beforetoday · 12/10/2018 16:38

This is pretty effective...https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=37&v=sdn15-t7kg0

Original poster
serenawren · 12/10/2018 16:36

@Hidingtonothing that's a really good idea. I do want to explain to him what I was the most upset about, but I will make sure it won't turn into a lecture.

OP posts:
Original poster
serenawren · 12/10/2018 16:34

@AtrociousCircumstance in the 5 years I've known him, he has never once shown this type of behaviour before, so I'm hoping it's not as deep rooted as it is in other men. We're 50/50 in all aspects of our lives, he does as much of the childcare as I do, as much of the housework etc.

He has since apologised but I'm not entirely convinced he knows what he's apologising for!

OP posts:
CriticalCondition · 12/10/2018 16:33

Have you heard teenage girls recently.

But it's not the same. I'm not excusing them. It's disrespectful and they shouldn't do it.

But would a boy be worried about his physical safety? Would he be worried that they might follow him? Would he make sure that he merges with a crowd, or goes into a shop, or sticks with his friends, or avoids the short cut through the alley to the bus stop? All those things that women and girls do every single day to avoid being sexually assaulted.

No.
Bowl 's right.
And that's the difference.

Hidingtonothing · 12/10/2018 16:32

I don’t do ‘serious talks’ with DH about stuff like this OP, it’s counter productive because he struggles not to see it as personal criticism. Instead I drop little things into conversation when the opportunity arises, personal anecdotes about things that have happened to me or family/friends, things I’ve read etc and then leave the cogs to turn. I also verbalise my internal risk assessments to him, so if I have to travel somewhere I’ll do all that ‘which car park is busiest and best lit’ or ‘I’d better book a taxi rather than risking finding one’ thinking aloud so he realises what we have to do to stay safe.

It’s a slow process, changing ingrained attitudes, but we should all be doing whatever we can if we want our DD’s and DGD’s to have better than the shit most of us have had to put up with.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/10/2018 16:27

Wow, your husband is a prick. Sorry. I’m glad your DS has one parent to educate him.

Original poster
serenawren · 12/10/2018 16:24

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks I don't know if the girl saw it, but I certainly did and I'm sure others would've and I found it intimidating and uncomfortable. Having this 'banter' amongst friends, whether it's witnessed by anyone else or not, reinforces that behaviour within that group which will keep carrying on if no one educates them about these issues.

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 12/10/2018 16:20

something to watch

and

AbsintheFriends · 12/10/2018 16:18

This short film, linked on another thread, may help him see the problem?
plan-uk.org/act-for-girls/street-harassment

53rdWay · 12/10/2018 16:17

Well the OP saw it MilkTwoSugars, so clearly it wasn’t a private gesture only visible to the other boys in the group.

IStandWithPosie · 12/10/2018 16:16

Referencing your genitals when in public is wrong. I don’t care who you are or how much you want to friends to hear about your penis, you don’t do it in public where other people, including children, can see or hear.

Original poster
serenawren · 12/10/2018 16:15

@beenandgoneandbackagain thanks, this is exactly what I was looking for!

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 12/10/2018 16:14

Gesturing at their genitalia as like a troop of hooting chimps as said female passes by is though.

I totally agree with that, but there's no indication in the OP that that is what happened. I did ask, but the OP didn't reply.

Original poster
serenawren · 12/10/2018 16:14

Thanks everyone, I'm not going to give up changing this mindset that unfortunately a lot of men still have. DS is still very young so I have time. I don't want to give up and not bother for him to then project this mindset to DS.

I agree I fully intend to have a conversation with him about it, just wanted to read up to find the most succinct way of putting it.

We can only do our best with educating, it definitely doesn't mean turn a blind eye to it because 'they'll never get it'.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 12/10/2018 16:13

Not at all, if it’s a private reaction to an attractive person. Sharing that with his friend turns it into something which could have caused embarrassment, upset and/or fear to the girl had she seen it and isn’t an attitude we should be condoning in our young men. I have a DD, no idea whether you do Milk but if you do is this (and everything else which goes along with the objectification of women) really what you want for her?

Bowlofbabelfish · 12/10/2018 16:09

Males find females sexually attractive - is that really misogynistic?

No it’s not. Gesturing at their genitalia as like a troop of hooting chimps as said female passes by is though.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 12/10/2018 15:55

@KataraJean - you know very different teenage girls to me then.

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