Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Find it so bloody rude

39 replies

tryingtotakeitonthechin · 26/09/2018 13:37

Not entirely sure this is in the correct section, so apologies if not...
But just had a visit from our big boss.
There’s myself and a man that run our business. I’ve been here longer, know more and perform better than my colleague (nothing against him, but he’s only been in the job a few weeks compared to my years so expect he’ll get there eventually)
So I’m in a different location now, with a new boss who I’ve never met before and I’m still bloody reeling from how he made me feel.
He comes in and shakes my male colleagues hand, totally ignores me.
Eventually he asks me to make the drinks, fair enough, I did.
Then he starts asking about things that happened a few weeks ago, before male colleague started in the business, so I’ve briefly answered these questions, then every single time the boss has turned his back on me and taken the conversation forward with my male colleague.
Me and male colleague are both equal.
He’s directed every single question to male colleague and when I’ve tried to speak to mention anything he’s talked over me.
He then asks male colleague to sit down and go through paperwork with him. Paperwork that I have completed entirely on my own, and colleague doesn’t know anything about as he’s not been in the job long enough to know our record systems.
Then he goes to leave, shakes male colleagues hand, nods a goodbye to me.
THEN he has the cheek to send an email to say that it seemed a bit “tetchy” in the office today and to ask if there was any reason why it was so uncomfortable visiting today.
Never in my life have I experienced this before.
It’s made me really cross!

OP posts:
PenguindreamsofDraco · 26/09/2018 14:09

Then do something about it. You can't expect your colleague to fight your battle for you - this is yours! Do not be a passive observe of your own oppression.

And frankly women not wanting to cause a scene is how men (NAMALT but many are) get away with shit like this.

nicenewdusters · 26/09/2018 14:08

trying could you use his email as an opportunity to put your point across. He's the one asking the question about why things felt tetchy.

Maybe something like:

It's interesting that you mentioned the atmosphere in the office today. As you are aware, I have been with for years, whereas my colleague joined in * . On arrival you only acknowledged my colleague. You then directed questions at him concerning a time before his employment. I was the only one in a position to answer, and yet you declined to enter into any conversation with me. My colleague then went through paperwork prepared entirely by myself with you. My contribution was never sought, and in fact actively discouraged. In my experience it's difficult to foster a good working relationship in such circumstances.

Obviously you really just want to call him a sexist rude bastard ! Grin

SomeKnobend · 26/09/2018 14:07

Explain what you've said here. What's the point sulking about it when you can point out exactly what went wrong?

Original poster
tryingtotakeitonthechin · 26/09/2018 14:07

I don’t like causing a scene.
I said to my colleague about me finding him difficult and that I felt like I was ignored and my colleague just nodded and smiled. He knows exactly what happened earlier.
I’m upset with the pair of them.
Luckily we only see big boss every 6 weeks.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/09/2018 14:05

He is asking, the door is open. Tell him!

Original poster
tryingtotakeitonthechin · 26/09/2018 14:04

Currently on a lunch break.
Colleague has replied to the email as it was to the office email address.
He just replied saying we have had a busy few days which may explain if there was a feeling of techiness in the office as we’ve been stressed and that it was good to see him.
It WASN’T good to see him. He was a horrible man.

OP posts:
Trousered · 26/09/2018 14:02

Babdoc is right.

As he's asking though I would send him your summary of the meeting. He was unacceptable and he's managed to pick up a sense of that so take the opportunity to give him the feedback he's asked for or he won't change.

I'm in HR by the way. If you came to HR with this I would tell you I'm going to have to repeat all this to him word for word to get anyway, there is no indirect route to dealing with this.

scepticalwoman · 26/09/2018 14:01

Channel your assertive woman!
Maybe respond back to the email saying something like:
'Wasn't aware of any tetchiness. I was surprised that you spoke at length to colleague about paperwork as I had completed all the files that you looked at. I assumed that you would want to discuss them with me at some stage as they were all my work. Maybe you mistook my surprise for being 'tetchy'? (or something similar).

Original poster
tryingtotakeitonthechin · 26/09/2018 13:59

It was genuinely like I had stepped back in time.
I’m more annoyed that now he’s complained of a “tetchy” atmosphere. Of course it was tetchy, I was ignored and treated like crap. I was nothing but polite to him though.
And the scariest thing is, that he wasn’t a 65 year old man, who may have worked in the 1970’s, but a man who was maybe late 30s/early 40s.
Didn’t think this attitude existed anymore.
Unsure what my plan is. I obviously need to stand my ground a bit more next time.
I was just in shock to be honest!

OP posts:
Babdoc · 26/09/2018 13:52

OP, I’m really sorry that you had this episode of time travel to the 1970’s.
It’s appalling that this shit can still happen.
Please get some assertiveness training. You could have simply refused to make the drinks, and told your junior colleague to get them.
You could have taken the paperwork away from your colleague and said firmly that it was your project and your colleague wasn’t employed when it was written and knows nothing about it.
I think you need to ditch the nice fluffy compliant little woman role and get angry. If you go along with the shit and just fume afterwards, it will go on indefinitely. This man’s next visit, he will assume you are the same junior tea maker, and address your colleague again - unless you take ownership of the situation firmly.

Original poster
tryingtotakeitonthechin · 26/09/2018 13:43

I’m annoyed with both of them.
Annoyed with colleague taking the glory of everything when not a single thing was achieved by him.
We’ve done really well work wise lately, but not blowing my own trumpet, 95% was due to me.
Annoyed that he didn’t bother to mention that it was my file that I had spent hours doing.
Annoyed by big boss who totally ignored me as I was a woman as he wanted to talk men’s stuff by the look of it.
There was loads of banter about football and sports etc afterwards with lots of handshakes and patting each other on the back.
I probably did just stand there looking pissed off, so it’s obv my fault that it felt uncomfortable in the office 🙄

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 26/09/2018 13:43

Bloody hell OP!!! What’s your plan?

Lettera · 26/09/2018 13:41

And being asked to make the drinks! Ffs, is this 1974?!

OrchidInTheSun · 26/09/2018 13:40

That's appalling. Can you put in a complaint to HR? Did your male colleague not bother pointing out that he knew sweet FA about the paperwork as he hadn't been in post long?

I'd be furious with both of them

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.