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Original poster

My DD6 just said 'I wish you could change gender'

36 replies

herethereandeverywhere · 21/09/2018 19:23

Honestly, I'm Shock. I'm trying to understand whether she's heard it elsewhere but so far I've found out she thinks she learnt the word gender from DD8. We live in a non-English speaking country (though at English speaking International School) so access to anything in the media is highly unlikely.

She is a classic tomboy, will only wear boys clothes (costs me as she won't wear any of DD1s hand me downs), only has boys as friends, is distressed when her hair grows long and cries, makes a real issue until we take her to the hairdressers for a short cut. She described he clothes as boys clothes, her hair as boys hair. This has been the case since she was 3 and I have posted about it previously.

I'm actually very relaxed about her choices and at every turn we explain away stereotypes ( girls can play football/have short hair, boys can wear pink/have long hair etc) her school have not questioned the fact she wears boys uniform.

I've tried asking why she said it and explaining how she can do or be anything as a girl. I'm not planning on confronting or raising it again but I'm Shock.

I'm very concerned about the rise in trans activism, the transitioning of children via harmful irreversible medical processes.

I'm not sure why I'm even posting this... just a bit shaken and wondering how I handle anything similar in the future I guess.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 22/09/2018 00:15

I think male privilege is on the rise and little girls notice that men have more freedom and more fun, especially if you like things that are traditionally male interests.

Barracker · 21/09/2018 23:36

She's little. But she's picked up, somewhere, the idea that 'being a girl is' something, and 'being a boy's is something different which to her seems more appealing. And you need to get to the nub of that. I bet it has nothing to do with bodies, and everything to do with associations she's making with each sex.

Find out what 'being a girl' means to her that she doesn't like, and what being a boy means that she does.

I expect a whole bunch of negative associations have become connected to girl in her mind, and they WILL be ones you can break, because they will be typical 6 year old stereotypes that she's picked up from others.

She needs examples of girls like her doing what she wants and awesome women role models (like you!)

Original poster
herethereandeverywhere · 21/09/2018 23:08

AsAProfessional I have no desire to bribe her into clothing she doesn't like or that make her feel uncomfortable and sad, however, we did resort to bribing (a male superhero fancy dress costume) when she was bridesmaid at a wedding. She wore the assigned outfit but was unhappy and clingy all day... we're over 2 years on from that and I'm not sure I'd handle it in the same way now.

OP posts:
pombear · 21/09/2018 21:07

Someone will be along soon to tell you that you're denying her her reality and authentic self.

Meanwhile, many of us will probably say 'well, you can break away from the gender boxes that other people sometimes want to put is in'.

There are so many pressures and images right now, both in traditional media, social media, and from the local environment that deliver the message of what is 'a girl' and what is 'a boy' right now, that have intensified in their polarisation in the last decade.

There's absolutely no reason why she can't do all the things that other people sometimes class as 'boys things' whilst still being a female. Sounds like you're doing all the chilled things that allow her to do this.

It's the environment that conditions their fears. What if we were back in the time where men wore heels, powder, long wigs and fake 'beauty' moles? Which clothes would they choose then?

AsAProfessionalFekko · 21/09/2018 21:00

Bribes worked with my sister. Oh the drama when she was to be a bridesmaid! She got new drumsticks out of it!

Original poster
herethereandeverywhere · 21/09/2018 20:50

To be clear we have been telling her "it's just hair and clothes. Boys or girls it doesn't matter. Girls can like 'boys' stuff and vice versa" for the last 3.5 years - this statement about wishing she could change gender is a whole new level.

I'm going to carry on as before with being cool and accepting (not sure how she'll react if we move and the new school insists on 'girls uniform' but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

OP posts:
JellyMouldJnr · 21/09/2018 19:45

My six year old daughter is very similar. She only wears boys clothes and is mistaken for a boy all the time. As far as I'm concerned, she's a kid trying things out. I just say you can wear what clothes you want, you are a girl and girls are great. The research suggests that most preteen girls wanting to be boys change at adolescence. I suspect she will change as she grows up but if not, so be it.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 21/09/2018 19:34

My sister was exactly like this when we were little. She's still a female but Christ alone knows what could have happened to her if we were kids these days (and my parents weren't so cool with it all).

BettyDuMonde · 21/09/2018 19:33

My 6 year old was going on about ‘girly-girls’ and ‘Tom boys’ the other day. I had a 😳 moment but she hasn’t picked it up at school, it’s from her step sister (12, lives with her mum most of the time).

I just said you can be whatever kind of girl you want to be, and most girls like a mix of things and dividing people into categories is unnecessary because all girls are girls in their own unique way, none of us are exactly alike.

It gave me the SHIVERS though!

bitheby · 21/09/2018 19:32

Watch and wait. I was like that as a child and I grew out of it. Well, I still wear 'men's' clothes but I am happy to be female.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 21/09/2018 19:28

Just tell her it's just hair and clothes. Boys or girls it doesn't matter. Girls can like 'boys' stuff and vice versa - who made the rules anyway?

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