My DD6 just said 'I wish you could change gender'

A therapist friend of mine who specialises in adolescent psychology told me ALL girls experience gender dusphoria. It’s a condition of being female in patriarchal society

I didn't.

She didn't say it was lasting, but that all girls, at some moment, could be diagnosed as gender dysphoric based on the criteria of unhappiness with one's secondary sex characteristics and one's gender role

Nor that either.

Social contagion is definitely at work here. To go back to the anorexia example - that works the same way. Once one child in a school is diagnosed with an eating disorder, more follow. Then once in treatment, children pick up new behaviours from other patients.

I don't believe all girls experience gender dysphoria. Most girls seem to experience some kind of distress (I'm not sure what to call it) but that certainly isn't always around wanting to change gender as such.

At least it wasn't. But that 4000% increase to GIDS suggests that now - a lot of that distress is being expressed as gender dysphoria. Before perhaps it was more likely expressed as something else (anorexia?)

I have a lot of empathy for teen girls wanting to trans. I haven't come across one who hasn't had some kind of prior mental health input.

All girls experience gender dysphoria? No way.

Some kind of discomfort/dysphoria with their bodies/self/identities/whatever as a result of being female in a patriarchal society - yes.

Surely gender dysphoria is one expression of this. Another being anorexia. Another being self harm.

My DD declared she wished she was a boy recently. She's 5. When I was 5, I thought I was too big and I see both of those thoughts as roughly expressing the same thing.

I don’t think we can shield girls completely anymore.

“You can be any gender you want but you can’t change sex.”

Might that be useful?

My dd sometimes says she'd like to be able to change to a boy. Because they don't get shouted at for the same things in other words- if a teacher catches her climbing the school gate or wrestling she gets in much more trouble than the boys who do the same. She wants to play football and laugh at farts and play, actually play, not stand to the side listening to music and reading magazines

I think girls, when they are expressing this want to be boys, are becoming future feminists. Because they are noticing the inequality. They are seeing the privilege and double standards , the everyday sexism that starts the day they are born regardless of how feminist and equally we treat them at home. The fact is that I am a feminist and I fight for equality because I want to be boy! Or rather- I want to be treated by society the same way that they are. It's a childish and simplistic way of expressing that.

Has she been told something at school , teased perhaps ? Because I agree that gender isn’t a word six year olds generally use.
Just keep on as you are. Telling her that clothes are just bits of fabric and don’t indicate what sex you are. They are just coverings, and fashions for men and women shift about, so that clothing that looks female now will have looked male at some point and in some cultures. Girls can do anything that boys can, although they might not be quite as physically powerful. Boys can do girls things, but they can’t give birth. There are biological limitations, that is a fact that all of us have to accept, but aside from that children can choose the things they like to do. I would explain that is isn’t possible to change your sex , and look for positive images of girls and women for her. Sounds as though you are doing all this anyway, it is the stuff she hears from other children that is the worry.

I am also surprised that a 6-year-old said they wished they could 'change gender' rather than something more likely, such as 'I wish I could be a boy'.

I was like this at the same age OP. Given the choice I would have been a boy, because boys seemed to be allowed to do the things I wanted to do and was good at doing, where I was being pushed all unwilling into a box marked 'girl' where there were a lot of things I was crap at or wasn't interested in. The clothes thing was part of that for me, because the clothes tend to demarcate what activities were available. Thankfully, I was brought up on a farm in the middle of bloody nowhere and required to work on it, so skirts weren't at all practical and I eventually realised that you can be female whatever you wear or do. I'd just smile kindly, ignore as much as possible and see what happens in a few years.

I think it's a very strange choice of words for a six year old.

I've just been out walking the dogs and my 6 year old son said he wished he was a girl. "you what? What do you mean? Where's this coming from?"

I was worried it had been a "topic" at school.

Turns out he wanted to dress up as a girl and jump out from behind a door at mentor give me a fright. Strange child. 😁

This obsession on MN with transgender and gender fluid really pisses me off.

Since there are groups like GIRES actively planting false dreams to toddlers with an end-point of bodily mutilation and/or suicide, I for one, am extremely grateful for this "obsession" of mumsnetters.

FFS she's only 6. lots of kids say things like that and in most cases nothing ever comes of it. Just carry on as you are and see what happens when she's older.

This obsession on MN with transgender and gender fluid really pisses me off. The slightest comment or action sends everyone into a huge panic and making assumptions. You say you aren't bothered yet your post suggests otherwise.

I didn't mean bribe into everyday clothes.

Just the odd one here and there if necessary (a uniform or something that isn't negotiable). Like you do with other things (eat your greens and to can have some strawberries after).

It's not a big thing - as I said, my sister was absolutely the same as a child. We have photos of her in top hat and tails at one wedding (holding a pint that someone thought it would be funny if she held) when she was about 10.

Do you have any women friends that arent entirely typically femimine?
When my daughter started talking like this about wishing she was a boy, I talked to her all about the interesting and unusual women we know and explained that there wasnt just one way to be a girl and that anything she wanted to do or wear or behave like was just as ok for girls as it was for boys. Shes much more comfortable being who she is now we are a few years on. Shes not stereotypically feminine and probably never will be and thats fine with me. Loads of kids dont relate to these gender stereotypes we have rammed down our throats.

My dd12 has always preferred blue, and clothes from the boys section. She's 12 now and I've always had that conversation really that gender is a made up thing and although she's got a female body, she can wear and do whatever she feels suits her best. Hair is just hair, clothes are just clothes and toys too. She is growing into an adult body with, I hope, understanding of its human pros and cons, I want all our children to be able to be individual and tailor their dress etc to suit their own aesthetic. The little girl pink unicorn culture is so strong I'm not surprised some children reject it. There are plenty of adult women (most) who don't dress up to the nines and wear loads of sparkles, prefer ale or vehicles whatever. It's ALL normal.

I grew up on the Famous Five books. I know they're horribly dated now, but George was a great role model for girls back then; something I never appreciated at the time, but on reflection, probably subliminally made me think that girls can do anything. I always regarded homely Anne as a complete sap.

C'mon JK Rowling, weave your magic specifically for today's little girls.

Hm. Are the boys at her school doing stuff different than girls (Soccer vs gymnastics) or is there a group of cool boys she wants to be part of? She also might have a crush on a girl that fawns over a boy. Or a crush on a boy and she imagines how cool it would be to be Tom Sawyer & huck Finn buddies. ( I had crushes at that age). It could be so many things.

I have no desire to bribe her into clothing she doesn't like

Why not? We all have to wear clothes we don't like from time-to-time so she may as well get used to it now. Whether it's school uniform, workwear, or formal attire at a wedding, people have to learn that in society it's not all about me, me, me all the time.

DD1 hated getting school clothes and shoes. Now - provided she gets enough notice - she doesn't kick up much fuss, and understands that her only input is whether it fits and the small details where variance is allowed.

She also said she wanted to be a boy and listed all the positives.
Then she listed the negatives and changed her mind...

notme that's adorable!
My friends son is 5, loves the colour pink, is big into art and drama and I overheard someone say "hes probably gay"
What hope have children got with attitudes like that

I rebelled against everything stereotypically female as a child
What i actually hated was the scratchy, tight dresses my Mam dressed me in. The painful side pony hairstyle that was a Sunday feature.
I wanted to be like my brothers,
playing in the dirt and being a kid!

My toddler has just breastfed his teddy. I'm reaching for the phone to Dr Webberley now.

If she has only come across the word "gender" when talking to her 8yo sibling, then it seems fair to assume that she has been given a limited explanaton of "gender" and that she doesn't really know what "gender" is. There is plenty of scope for you to remind her about all the different ways there are to be a girl.

She might like reading Pippi Longstocking too.