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Original poster

Why do women keep apologising?

36 replies

auntethel · 26/08/2018 03:22

I was on another thread posting with a bloke. I asked a question which he didn't want to answer (fair enough, obviously). But when he said this, he just stated matter of fact "I don't want to answer that". I realised that, if it had been the other way round, I would have said "sorry, I don't want to answer that really". What the hell is the "sorry" and "really" for? I've only been noticing little things like this since I've been coming onto the feminist chat. I'm really pissed of with myself, I must have been doing it all my life without even noticing! Does anyone else apologise for no reason whatsoever?

OP posts:
LadybirdsAreBirds · 26/08/2018 07:18

Oh yes. I've noticed that. When you don't do it, you appear to other women as rude. Not assertive.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 26/08/2018 06:01

My mantra at work is 'never apologise, never explain'... unless I am asked for an explanation!

I find that men are better at saying 'I think x'. Even if they don't apologise for having an opinion, women often end up explaining their opinion in a way that's apologetic or comes across as a justification when one isn't necessary.

Movablefeast · 26/08/2018 04:12

Havingalittle “oh g’wan, g’wan, g’wan, g’wan”
“Oh I couldn’t, no really...”
“G’wan, g’wan, g’wan”

Etc etc. Grin

Original poster
auntethel · 26/08/2018 04:03

It's maddening isn't it? My aim is to become more like thebewildered (don't know if you've seen her on feminist board) very straight talking, short, to the point, comments.

OP posts:
HavingALittleBabyToolshed · 26/08/2018 03:49

I think there is an element of being brought up British that plays into this. Equally I’m not British (I’m Irish) and feel this overwhelming urge to apologise too.

Movablefeast · 26/08/2018 03:47

I have lived in Germany and the USA and I find we do a lot more apologizing in the U.K. I have managed to train myself to be more straightforward and not be apologetic because in those cultures you are seen as weak and lacking in will power/knowing what you want and much too vague if you behave that way.

So I guess I mean to say it’s not just male/female but British socialization. On th either hand the Japanese are much more deferential than us in my experience.

Original poster
auntethel · 26/08/2018 03:36

Unfortunately, I've left it too late. My dd is 25. I feel as though I've let her down. Think I'll have a word with her and tell her what I've learnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
auntethel · 26/08/2018 03:32

It's pathetic isn't it? Thank goodness for the feminist board, i've really had my eyes opened lately. It's a great feeling but annoying at the same time.

OP posts:
HavingALittleBabyToolshed · 26/08/2018 03:27

Oh and I’ve made a point of making sure my DDs don’t feel the need to do the extra “sorry”. It has been quite a hard leap for me.

Original poster
auntethel · 26/08/2018 03:27

Sorry (there I go again) the title should be "why do I keep apologising". See what I mean, there was no real need for an apology in that sentence, was there?

OP posts:
HavingALittleBabyToolshed · 26/08/2018 03:26

It is because we are conditioned 1.) to be nice, 2.) to facilitate men 3.) not stand out, speak up or make a fuss.

If we can’t do any of those things we are primed to bow, scrape and apologise.