Protecting children (sons) from the influence of porn

bmjopen.bmj.com/content/4/8/e004996

From the article above:

Results Anal heterosex often appeared to be painful, risky and coercive, particularly for women. Interviewees frequently cited pornography as the ‘explanation’ for anal sex, yet their accounts revealed a complex context with availability of pornography being only one element. Other key elements included competition between men; the claim that ‘people must like it if they do it’ (made alongside the seemingly contradictory expectation that it will be painful for women); and, crucially, normalisation of coercion and ‘accidental’ penetration. It seemed that men were expected to persuade or coerce reluctant partners.

Conclusions Young people's narratives normalised coercive, painful and unsafe anal heterosex. This study suggests an urgent need for harm reduction efforts targeting anal sex to help encourage discussion about mutuality and consent, reduce risky and painful techniques and challenge views that normalise coercion.

It doesn’t have to be all teenage boys (NAMALT yada yada yada) for it to be a problem for some young women.

I'd add though that most lads (IMO) don't necessarily assume that porn is reflective of reality - I mean, the nine-inch penises are almost a parody, as exaggerated as a Jason Statham/Jet Li fight scene seems when compared to a schoolyard scrap.

Most boys start with a crush, followed by an awkward kiss at some point, followed by inexperienced fumbling...

I really don't think most 16yo lads are.foing straight in for the handcuffs and choking etc lol.

@WhatTheWatersShowedMe

"pornography is strongly correlated with factors widely recognized as contributors to sexual violence including defining masculinity as embodied through violence, hostile attitudes towards women, and gender inequality.”

Source: m.medicalxpress.com/news/2015-01-pornography-sexual-behavior.html

The porn that is widespread on sites like pornhub is violent, racist, misogynistic and cruel. I do not want my son to grow up thinking that is how sex is amongst consenting adults"

Why did you omit the sentence from your source stating that social science research cannot prove causation?

@alldaybreakfast you say that and it’s probably true but I can honestly say I didn’t really see any porn until after I’d lost my virginity (all though that wasn’t a particularly healthy experience either)

Honestly speaking, as a man, the problem you will face is that most boys want to seek out sexual content/stimulation a good few years before they're old enough to actually engage in any sexual activity with a partner.

Thanks boatyardblues and langcleg , I'll just wait for the questions to come up.

Derwini123 I totally disagree that there is nothing wrong with the pornography that is easily accessible through the internet. And there are many ways to learn about healthy sex aside from pornography.

When we were young it was boys passing round a top shelf mag

When my dc were the same age, (Y6) they were shown by mates in the playground.

Mothers (we were sahm's) went to school to speak to head, but of course the horse had already bolted.

My dd is 14 she was shown some before secondary too.

The answer is you can't protect them.

Placemat King sounds a pretty good username if anyone needs one. @theconstantinoplegardener

To be honest it may be quite hard to “protect “ them from porn in the sense of them never seeing it, but I would suggest when you think they are at an age to understand sex (the physical act) explain that what they see is not real and is no long lasting and satisfactory replacement for a truly loving intimate relationship. That’s not to say all sex has to be in a relationship but try to get across the value of respecting the other partners choices and that the act should be about the pleasure of both individuals and not just one party to use the other as an object. I may have put together a very simple answer and their are probably people here who have better ideas but just saw this was active and thought I’d post my thoughts.

Talk to them early and often about the mainstream violence they are exposed to every day. Talk to them about the difference they are seeing in cartoons and games between people doing things together and a person doing things to another person. Talk to them about the ways stories signals good and bad people and justify their actions.
Start early and talk with them often.

Oh dear, lots of typos...placemarking of course, and exposed to porn not port, and boys whose expectations are shaped by porn not boys!

Placemat king. My naive DD will be starting high school in September and I know she will be exposed to port, and to boys whose expectations are shaped by boys. I'm wondering what I can say to prepare her without scaring her.

@Derwini123

“pornography is strongly correlated with factors widely recognized as contributors to sexual violence including defining masculinity as embodied through violence, hostile attitudes towards women, and gender inequality.”

Source: m.medicalxpress.com/news/2015-01-pornography-sexual-behavior.html

The porn that is widespread on sites like pornhub is violent, racist, misogynistic and cruel. I do not want my son to grow up thinking that is how sex is amongst consenting adults.

I actually have my old copy of Claire Rayner's The Body Book. As well as "It's Not The Stork". I always intend to have a bit more discussion with my two primary school age boys...

We do the same as pp though and talk about consent and not doing anything you don't want/hugging anyone who doesn't want touched etc.

The threads about porn linked to above were horrifying

Wow, I don’t think You can grow up sexually oblivious just because You dont have access to pornography. Sex is in literature, films and art. You can have a discussion about sex, feelings and relationships without porn. you can still access the internet from a pc without owning a smart phone or internet enabled device. Why do teenagers need a smart phone?

There is really nothing wrong with pornography. Your kids are going to learn about sex in this way from other kids anyway. The only way you stop your kids from being exposed to this form of media is if you lock them up and don't let them socialize. Of course then your children grow up sexually oblivious and it can have a domino affect on their social life/confidence.

I just wondered what sort of age those with older sons (and daughters!) Started introducing different ideas..... When did you explain what sex was? When did you start speaking about porn? I am worried I will leave it too late as I am not sure what is age appropriate

We talked about the mechanics of sex and where babies come from (and how they get in there!) with our boys from about 4.5-8yo in age appropriate language. At that age they are still in “why is the sky blue? Where does rain come from?” stage so its easy to have factual, unembarrassed Q&A as & when tot arises. We figured it would leave the ‘squeamish’ phase free for abstract relationships/emotions/consent type conversations & that’s proved to be the case.

DH had the “porn talk” with DS1 (not real sex, some it v nasty/unpleasant, not suitable modelling for real life relationships) when he started high school & had his first (smart) phone. It was good to have done so, as another boy is his year was watching porn in the playground & trying to show it to others in the first week. Off the back of this thread, DH & I have agreed a follow-up chat with DH is due. We’ll do the same for DS2 when he starts high school.

We also talk about consent, sexting & other topics as they come up e.g. in response to a news item.

@Babdoc
"Finally, point out that repeated porn use causes erectile dysfunction as male users need ever more extreme images to become aroused."

Then he'll Google that 'fact', find out that the data behind it is at best inconclusive (except with those with an agenda to push) and think 'oh look, feminism again'.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast
"I have told my son that porn sex isn't normal, and that nor is anal. don't know what else to tell him..."

That you'll still love him if he turns out gay?

It is depressing the though how hard (impossible) it is to protect them from viewing content you don't consider suitable. When mine were about 7/5 Grease seemed to be having a renaissance. We agreed it was not suitable and we didn't want them to see it - it may have some catchy tunes and seem like a fun movie but I'm not a fan of the message that you have to ditch the nice girl image, don black leather and start smoking if you want to keep your chap. Along with other themes such as the girl that can't say No.
So then the girls went to Granny for the W/e and guess what DVD she had bought thinking they would enjoy it. 😡😡😡 Worse the School were using the songs in music. To have your five year old daughter sat in the back of the car chanting "tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far...did she put up a fight" is just the worst. I should have kicked up more with the school but we were moving and changing schools. At our new school I found other parents complaining about the same thing. Iirc I think there was a government minister in education at the time extolling the joys of school music and Grease was on the approved list so it was everywhere that year.

I have told my son that porn sex isn't normal, and that nor is anal. don't know what else to tell him...

Acorninspring - I think you have time yet! They tend to ask when they need to know in my experience. Good about understanding of women's bodies already - it's so much better that they acquire this knowledge naturally through normal family life and conversations.

langcleg

I think that is why I am wondering, I am surprised my 5 yr old hasn't asked how babies get in tummies yet, and I was wondering if I should give him a gentle nudge....I mean, he knows about everything else, how they are born, periods etc etc (much better understanding of women's anatomy than I had at almost twice his age)

When did you explain what sex was? When did you start speaking about porn?

Sex? When they asked. I have a large extended family, so someone is usually pregnant! So mine were about five or six when they first asked how babies came to be in tummies. I just answered with the truth and in words they could understand. You'll find they repeat the same questions over time because they only actually take in the answers when they are ready. If they're not ready, they just forget until the next time it occurs to them to ask. Simply give the info they ask for and don't go into extra detail - they just perceive that as an irrelevant lecture.

Porn? I don't recall, honestly. Things weren't as bad in the early 00s when mine were small. As I said above, I think it's better if these topics come up between parents in discussions kids can hear rather than are required to be a part of. Then, if they have questions, they have the opportunity to ask without having to bring it up themselves.