AIBU - Transgender family member

I thought most of the worry I see on here is about the potential for men using self ID to gain access to female spaces and having the opportunity to assault them. I assume you know your family member well? And that they won't be assaulting any women? Then I don't get the issue. She identifies as female. I assume she outwardly looks female therefore would appear to be in the wrong place in a male changing room. I think you're over thinking it. Your family member won't be getting undressed, they will be helping your son then going to the pool. I doubt anyone else will even realise - I don't pay attention to other people in changing rooms especially when I'm wrangling with kids trying to get them ready

Did any one notice the email address OP shared?

Is this a wind up?

Would you share an actual email address? Leisure centres usually go by their location, I certainly wouldn't want to draw attention to where I lived.

Why has this been posted in feminist chat not AIBU?

Is it one of those where you have to walk through the changing rooms to get to the poolside as well? (Most of the pools near us are like that, as well as having no family or mixed changing available). If so this person would at the very least be walking through the female changing room while girls are getting changed (if they still refuse to go through the men's).

Man = adult human male
Woman= adult human female
Male= the sex class that produces sperm
Female= the sex class that has ova and gestates young
None of those terms refer to expected gendered behaviours, all four refer to to sex.

🙄

@ALRM

“If none of the adults are getting changed then what difference does the gender, or perceived gender, make to the situation? If your son normally changes in the ladies because he is with you then the situation here is similar. In an ideal world there would be a family room to use but there isn't. And to those posters saying that the family member is an 'adult male' they are not. That is the whole point. It is not black and white. I think the suggestiond around changing poolside are sensible.”

She is Male though. Male/Female refers to sex, man/woman refers to gender.

Did any one notice the email address OP shared?

Is this a wind up?

I also think the leisure centre is legally wrong. This relative can and should be excluded from the womens changing rooms.

As In any situation, The child goes into the changing room that corresponds to the sex of the adult who is accompanying it. Therefore, they both go into the mens changing room.

Nothing else would be acceptable

There could be other women/girls getting changed in there, either from before, during or after the lesson in question.

Entitlement is the big issue here storm2018

So your relative, who isnt changing thinks he's entitled to be around half dressed women and girls. There's no justification for this and I wouldn't have this person around my child.

I don't understand why the relative doesn't take the boy into the male changing room? It's the boy that's getting undressed not the relative.

If none of the adults are getting changed then what difference does the gender, or perceived gender, make to the situation? If your son normally changes in the ladies because he is with you then the situation here is similar. In an ideal world there would be a family room to use but there isn't. And to those posters saying that the family member is an 'adult male' they are not. That is the whole point. It is not black and white. I think the suggestiond around changing poolside are sensible.

Oh I see, thank you, I didn’t grasp that. The little boy could go into the women’s, but the relative would be there too.
OP is there a mum of another child who you know ? I know I’d be happy to help a little child change and get into the pool.

What happens when you take him op?

I think the idea is that the male relative would have to take the boy into the women's changing room. The male relative would not be getting changed themselves, just seeing to the child.

This is the whole problem with self id. Women running around trying to make sure other women feel safe, or having to cancel lessons entirely, while a fully grown adult male gets validated because “feelings” . Grrrrrrrrrr

So a leisure centre attached to a school wants a male person with a penis to change in with women and girls, while the five year old boy with him has to change in the men’s ?!?! How is that right ? I would be calling the local paper frankly, but I see it is very difficult as it involves your tiny child and your relative. I can’t imagine any parent being ok with this. Five year old boy in with women ? Normal. Adult male? Not remotely normal.

Why are these particular swimming lessons essential?
Surely other opportunities can be found, if not now, in the next few years?

How does the 5 the old feel about this? They could be excruciatingly embarrassed.

Christ it's just a swimming lesson, he can miss one if you or whoever can't take him this week.

If it’s possible for your son to change poolside and just put a onsie on after his lesson then do that. If not then you don’t really have anyone who can take him. “I’ll take your 5 year old swimming but won’t supervise him in the changing room” is not a realistic offer of help.

You sound really lovely op but you can't enable your family member to do this. They will be in the changing room for women only. I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation and many other women wouldn't either.

I took my toddler grandchild to a swimming lesson a couple of years ago and we had to get changed in a communal female changing room. I would have walked out if a male had been present, as, I suspect, would the other mothers.

Changing poolside seems the best idea. Can your relative be trusted not to try to use the women's changing rooms if you ask them not to? They might be just as offended by that suggestion as using the male facilities if it's a validation issue.