DD2s ‘friends’ have decided she’s trans

Yes, it is bullying, but imagine how many girls will conform to a) please and b) make the bullying stop. I wonder if this plays a role in the large number of autistic girls presenting to gender clinics.

And of course it just goes to show how sexist the entire concept is.

So she leaves school and them in a few weeks?
Sounds like they have nothing better to do.
I have spent my whole life in doc martens and jeans and no make up.
Fuck em. In a few weeks she will have nothing more to do with them. Hopefully she will meet some nice friends at uni

All of these examples have lead her supposedly pro-feminist ‘friends’ to decide she’s trans and when she tried to put them right they decided she was in denial and reported her to the pastoral team at school for urgent counselling

Whaaaaa? I really thought that people in Australia (and particularly the Hunter Valley) were more sensible & down-to-earth than that (calling a spade a bloody shovel).

Your poor daughter. I hope the school gives a talking-to her friends.

I've got my hair in a bun now. Checking. Boots. Jeans. Jumper. I must be a man! Does that mean I've got a mangina?

So many questions. Do I have to show it to people on the bus? The logistics of that, given jeans/boots, might be complicated. The trip would be over before I'd got my kit off. Perhaps I could just show people a photo? Hand them out to people getting on the bus you think? Or just print out an A3 size and hold it up?

Or I could wear a skirt! That would make flashing easier. But if I'm wearing, am I a woman then and don't have to go on the bus?

Boy, this non-binary stuff is complicated.

How can a girl give herself a manbun? I know it's not the point but I'm a bit flummoxed as "man buns" are just a stupid way of saying "bun" right? on a man? It's like manscara, or man bag, it's just mascara and a bag on a man?

This is how it works though isn't it.

Gender nonconforming children are asking themselves, and their friends are wondering, if they are trans. There are plenty of online quizzes they can do to find out so that's cool. ..

Girl who fancies a girl? Could be trans!
Girl who prefers trousers / short hair / boots? Could be trans!
Girl who doesn't want to / feel comfortable behaving in an overtly feminine way (swishing hair / giggling / see USA teen show/youtube for examples). Could be trans!
Girl who doesn't like the idea of dressing in skimpy clothes standing with bum / / breasts sticking out etc? Could be trans!
Girl who doesn't like the idea of engaging in the sex acts common in porn these days? Could be trans!

And on it goes.

Children are not in a position to navigate all of this effectively. They just aren't. The above ^ is what they are hearing from all of this.

They're not her friends. Would they insist to, say, a trans woman that she's really a man? Of course not. If they're so woke then what's up with the misgendering?

This is bullying pure and simple.

My ds was in a similar position to your dd: because he had very long hair and purple trainers, and always wore colourful clothes on non-uniform days, his peer group decided that he was trans.

When I reported it to the school, they treated it as a case of bullying and stamped on it immediately.

People can be so nasty over any deviation from their norm.

I've had friends like that, they don't necessarily mean any harm. But it is curious that being trans that is supposed to be some strong internal feeling has now become something that someone else sees in you.

Her friends have no right to define (stereotype?) her.

DD was lucky as a teenager that she did a couple of activities that allowed her to mix with women slightly older than her - mid 20s. It was really good to have a good range of role models comfortable within their own skin. Some (again stereotypically) of her hockey team might be described as butch, though none, as far as we knew described themselves as trans. And certainly not all - lots of flicky pny-tails as the forwards rushed up the pitch. Importantly, it mattered not one jot, nor did being a teenager or a 40 year old. What mattered was being a good team member.

Ditto DD helped out in sessions for disabled swimmers at her local leisure centre once a week. Most volunteers (male and female) were mid-20s and in their first jobs. Physios, publishing etc. Again kind, practical and straightforward. Some way away from the tensions of school girl society, and a need to confirm to other people's expectations.

Is there anything your DD could do outside school where she will meet kindness and be accepted for who she is, whatever that is. And like PPs I would not see DMs as odd or a sign of being trans.

I am so sorry - your daughters friends are not being friends right now. Though it’s possible they think they are helping (and also maybe are excited about the idea of having a trans friend), this is so unhelpful. They do not get to decide for your daughter that she is someone other than who she says she is.

I was a determined trouser wearer in secondary school for years, and what I was accused of being was a lesbian. I think I’d try to encourage your daughter that having clothing preferences is fine, and to push back against her friends (if she feels able) with “Isn’t that a bit sexist? Are you saying that I’m not a girl because I don’t like skirts? Is that what a girl is - just CLOTHES??”

It might also be encouraging for her to see some photos from societies where men and women wear basically the same thing, or where women traditionally wear trouser and men skirts (kimono in Japan, salwar/kameez and pajama in Pakistan, skirts on men and women in the pacific islands, kilts, etc) and have a bit of a chuckle about what the Samoan police force would think if some social justice warrior turned up there insisting that they were all clearly trans because their uniform has a skirt on the bottom half. I think the more the ridiculousness of this can be pointed out, the stronger your daughter may feel.

You could be describing my daughter there too, apart from the hair. She wears trousers precisely because the majority of other girls don't, it's her way of kicking back against uniform rules/stereotypes. I did exactly the same, actually - we weren't allowed trousers back then, but I insisted on a blazer and tie rather than the open-necked blouse and cardigan. My younger daughter also wears trousers at primary - because she once fell off a chair and her skirt flew up. She never wants that to happen again.

This is definitely bullying. I can't add to the good advice you've had but wanted to wish you strength.

I wore trousers my entire school years, and no makeup, can't see anything wrong with it but then I'm from abroad. In my case it's about being from Scandinavia and having grown up in the seventies. The "man bun" makes me think of the mischievous character Little My from the Moomin family; moomin.wikia.com/wiki/Little_My

I agree with the others

It does sound like bullying

Dd wore trousers, boy style brogues, rucksack instead of handbag, prefered to play the boys at sport, no makeup (does have long hair... but so do some of the lads)

And there was no hint that people thought she was a boy or wanted to be a boy

Ds1 on the other hand was called gay or a girl through most of senior school...its fucking lucky this trans business wasnt really On the radar ' at his school 5/6 years ago

What is this phrase 'woke' that is appearing? It looks more like sleepwalking into a nightmare to me.

I'm wearing docs right now... They are frickin comfy. Also, unbrushed hair in a bun and I haven't worn makeup in a decade.
Your dd's friends are idiots. I'm sorry!

I agree with what other have written here.

I am also impressed that at your dd’s school girls wear skirts half-way down their thighs - round here their skirts barely seem to cover their crotch/bum cheeks. I dread to imagine the criticism a girl would receive for wear a skirt that long. I would much rather they all wore trousers.

She could challenge them on their hetero-normative patriarchal beliefs, as others here have said. It sounds like they're overly-compensating on being "woke" and are desparate for a real-life trans friend, to up their social credibility.

My DD wears jeans and jumpers, no make-up, boots all year round and trousers in winter.
She is also quite comfortably female and fortunately has friends who are mixed sex and happy with themselves and each other as they are.

She did have issues with a previous friendship group who bullied her. I spoke to the school, and the school spoke to all the children involved. But I also encouraged her to make new friends.

She read a book called ‘The Happiness that comes’, I do not know the author, which was about an anorexic girl and her journey to self-acceptance. DD credits this with helping her feel okay about herself again and she is much more confident being herself. She also had a year of counselling with a young person’s worker (as our family had been through DV), nothing to do with gender. So a mixed approach, and she is happy enough with herself. Not a fan of dresses, though she did buy a gorgeous one this summer. Yet to see her wear it.

That's grotesque and I'm so sorry for your daughter - I'm glad she's staying strong but it must be maddening and concerning. I agree with approaching the school, but also how well do you know the girls themselves or their parents? Could you approach any of them and explain the potential harm they are doing? Sometimes teenagers can be very thoughtless - I doubt they realise the full implications

This is why I find it so laughable when people say there isn't any sort of social contagion behind the observable rise in this phenomenon. As others have said a trans friend is currently "cool". What really concerns me is that some adults including those in authority are actively encouraging harmful practices.
I'm the past, harmful teenage trends like anorexia, self - harming etc and networks which supported then were roundly condemned. These children are not getting the slightest indication that any of this is dangerous.

This is what children believe now, this is the message that trans sends. Stereotypes are used to measure children and they truly believe that they matter more than sex. The sexist stereotypes are far worse than they were 30 years ago. Gay kids and kids who don't perform their role get transed. This isn't progress.

Definitely go to the school and speak about enforced conformism and medicalisation of a perfectly healthy youngster. Ask if the school is in the business of education or reeducation. I'd also be distancing the 'friends'. Is there another school she can go to if this one starts playing games?

Sounds a lot like attention seeking by her friends. Perhaps they thought Ja'mie from Summer Heights High was a role model instead of a parody?

You mentioned HSC so I assume your in Australia. Has the school done Safer School program? If so it might be worth complaining to the safer schools coalition and CC in your local member.

It sounds like they want a token trans friend.