Daughter with ROGD - issues with school

Try to find out where the school has been getting its advice from - my guess would be a lobby group such as Allsorts or Mermaids. They all peddle the same line based on scaremongering about suicide and so on. The Tavistock, who are experts, recommend a watchful waiting approach.

Child welfare is more important than the wishes of the parents.

Child welfare is vital. Key items that have been shown to reduce child welfare are things like parental Alienation, and confidential disclosure.

That’s why child safeguarding guidelines are so keen on open family involvement and not keeping secrets at school/any other area.

Parents have a duty of care to their children and dereliction of it can be grounds for removal. So don’t paint this as heroic child vs nasty parents please - these are parents striving to have open and honest communication with their child to explore the issues they are facing over identity and puberty. To suggest external agencies should have more influence than parents is dangerous - especially agencies that actively go against child safeguarding best practice by advocating things like confidential disclosure.

The school are jumping the gun here by going against parental wishes.

or do you think confidential disclosure is a good thing?

Snappity
But if he doesn't presently feel safe enough at home to use a male identity that to me is a safeguarding concern.

Appropriation. Do you even understand safeguarding? Are you now appropriating that word, with so many others, to hope that something will stick on the shit-wall that you're throwing stuff at?

The person you are talking about is a child female humanl. If 80% of those who identify as the 'other gender' detransition, why is it a safeguarding issue that this child is put on a 'watch and wait' pathway?

What would you rather happen?

At the very least that is unfair on the child, and possibly downright dangerous if the child is trans.

Oh, is it dubious stats o’clock? Go on then, Snaps, roll ‘em out.

Child welfare should be paramount, agreed. Which means that organisations like Mermaids should not be issuing advice to schools which includes, among other suggestions, not telling parents things and encouraging children to keep secrets, which pretty much goes against everything we've learned from every child safeguarding failure in the last 50 years or so.

I don't think it's parents we need to be worried about here.

OP, this bush to remove parental authority is extremely worrying. I totally agree with you.

Child welfare is more important than the wishes of the parents.

But how is it "wrong pronouns" if you don't actually know whether the child will eventually turn out trans or not?

But 80% of gender non-conforming teens who at some point in adolescence identify as trans go on to desist and the Tavistock recomment "watch and wait" rather than uncritical affirmation. [puzzled]

So far as blockers are concerned, yes. But, whether or not the child ultimately desists or not, we are talking about going from a situation where the school (quite rightly) is affirming to one where the OP in public is using the wrong pronouns. At the very least that is unfair on the child, and possibly downright dangerous if the child is trans.

How would the school manage if there is a spate of children with anorexia?

But 80% of gender non-conforming teens who at some point in adolescence identify as trans go on to desist and the Tavistock recomment "watch and wait" rather than uncritical affirmation. [puzzled]

OP's child might turn out to be trans, then again they might not.

What could possibly be concerning about a supportive family taking the approach specifically recommended by experts? And questioning the school's inappropriate pushiness?

We are talking about a vulnerable child going from an environment in which his gender identity is affirmed (school) to one in which his OP parent in public (on Mumsnet) where he might read it deliberately misgenders him. My suspicion is that she does it to his face too. To go from an environment where he gets affirmation at least part of the day to one in which he is misgendered makes me concerned for the welfare of the child.

We aren't talking about hormones so that is a red herring. We are talking about the basics of having sufficient respect for a child to respect their identity.

Agreeing with pp. Stephanie Davis Arai's first advice is get them off the Internet.

Hi Hoggirl. Have you considered whether your dd has autistic traits? It is worth checking if she has never felt she fits in. Has she asked you to use male pronouns?

To help my dd overcome GD like symptoms I did my best to de-gender her world. Neutral nickname linked to her name, no use of the word 'girl' in connection with my dd. I celebrate her clothing and activity choices in an understated "that is so you" way. I challenge and expose every bit of sexism and stereotyping we jointly encounter so she knows I'm not a genderist and would never try to put her in a box marked 'girl'. I very clearly stated to her, however, that male and female brains are the same in every way that matters and that saying any different is sexist. I did not change her pronouns and she didn't ask me to. You need to go into school early in the new year and ask who suggested changing pronouns. Was it a direct request from your dd or did they suggest It? If the latter are they qualified to make a decision that could have a psychological effect on your dd?

ButterflyT

I'm not sure what you mean by ROGD and a scientific basis, but I would be interested to know what your explanation is for the ten girls at a well known girl's school, who all came out as trans simultaneously.

on the other hand, recommends approaches which effectively involve invalidating your child and telling them that they are wrong

TT obviously acknowledge gender dysphoria. Stephanie Davis Arai encounters children with it, relentlessly. What she doesn't agree with is that they have changed sex.

Do you think they have changed sex?

OP, this bush to remove parental authority is extremely worrying. I totally agree with you.

I'd be keeping her as busy as possible over the summer and limiting internet access.

As little social media, and internet time as you can possibly manage over the summer as well. Lots of 1:1 time, positive activities (take her rock climbing/swimming/whatever she’s into.)

Difficult as it is with a 14 yr old I would really try to be aware of who she is talking to on social media-there are some crazy people out there promising to be a ‘new family’ etc. Try & remind yr DD that puberty is a time of confusion & questioning how they fit into society, sexual orientation etc & that most people find it a tough time but ultimately she has a beautiful healthy body that she doesn’t need to change. Can she chat to any older lesbians? Try & counter balance the pro trans narrative she will be receiving on line & I imagine from her peers in school. Remind her that Children’s brains are developing & growing, so we protect them by not allowing them to drink alacahol or drive etc, she really is too young to be deciding she is trans. Open communication with her is vital & it’s brilliant you have found a good counsellor to help you navigate the way forward. Good luck

Ffs, Butterfly!! ROGD has no scientific basis, but the idea that you can change sex has?
Give over with your nonsense.

This is a really good article by Lisa Marchiano, who is a psychotherapist. I've read stuff from her before. She is very measured.

quillette.com/2018/07/20/trans-activisms-dangerous-myth-of-parental-rejection/

You and the school need to be approaching this is the same way. You definitely need to seek a meeting with them. Very hard now that the schools have broken up. It is important that they are not at odds with you in their approach.

There is a parental support forum for parents who are not on board with affirmation only approaches for their gender questioning teens and tweens. You may find some advice about schools in there:

gendercriticalresources.com/Support/showthread.php?tid=217

(I'm not a member.)

Just seen this on Twitter. I just don't understand how we've got to this place as quickly as we have. If your daughter was suffering from anorexia or if she had a delusion arising from a diagnosed mental condition like schizophrenia, nobody would be saying 'Oh yes, you're right, you really are too fat, we must stop feeding you' or 'Of course you can fly! I'll open the window for you'. But if your child says the magic words and denies the material reality of their body, no matter how much trauma they've been through, no matter what other conditions have been diagnosed, trans trumps everything. I don't understand why.

Lily Maynard on Twitter is asking for information from parents of ROGD children. See tweet attached.

The recommended approach is watch and wait. As the OP correctly intends to do. Whilst simultaneously seeking help for her DD's underlying issues.

What could possibly be concerning about a supportive family taking the approach specifically recommended by experts? And questioning the school's inappropriate pushiness?

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/schools-rushing-on-whisper-to-label-pupils-as-transgender-0d8zm53qs