Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Female competition?

62 replies

Babycakes6 · 22/06/2018 22:22

I work in a male dominated field and had my share of dealing with misogyny. After 20 years of this, I finally got some female colleagues who are 20 years younger and new graduates but still I was so happy that my industry is changing.
I tried to mentor one but she said she is fine and wanted a senior male to mentor her instead.
She asked our director to check my work, didn’t stop until she got her way and then started screaming at me saying my work is bad quality, not up to standards but she herself has never done any work! How can she give a constructive criticism if she never constructed anything. And she loves criticising me!
Why does a girl who is half my age, hates me so much? I’m shocked. She sees me as competition and imitates whatever I do. She also always checks/ wants to know what I’m working on and tries to get on the project.
Also I noticed that if I’m a friend with someone in the office she tries to compete for that person/ tries to befriend him/her. Is this bullying?
I feel like I’m back in a high school, which is just ridiculous I have a daughter who is about to start high school!
I don’t know what to do. I started looking for another job. I have never been picked on at school, I was always popular with girls and had a lot of girl-friends. I did have girls competing with me for a certain guys and my mum thought me to blame a buy so I would always let go in such a case, blaming the guy.
I’m not beautiful (I was when I was younger) or rich. I don’t have something that a younger girl would be envious of. I just don’t understand. Why would someone go so viciously after me when I was being nice and try to help her since Day 1?
I had a few female friend in the past which tried to compete but they were few and far between.
Why does she want to compete with me is beyond me. We are not alike, two totally different generations, experiences, personalities. Please help! This is so crazy!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/06/2018 14:11

So you haven't done anything about it. Right. Is it possible you have just started this thread to have a go at other women? Because your behaviour is very odd and unprofessional.

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 14:08

I didn’t really raise any formal complaints. I aks the director if it’s possible to be moved to another team (which he said he’ll look into and it will take a long time ) and I’m looking for another job, but I would like to know if this is common/ normal? Is there usually an aggressive female competition at work? The only similar experience I had is from the high school days but it wasn’t anything serious, just someone trying to compete for a guy or something silly. I wasn’t really picked on.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/06/2018 13:53

What does your immediate line manager say? What does she say when you sit down with her and explain how things are done?

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 13:49

So it’s perfectly ok for me that she is checking my project and asking questions but it is not ok that she yells out ‘it’s not up to standards!’ waves her hands at me and yells out ‘Is this your report, Is this your final report? It’s a joke!’ How do you even react to such aggressive behaviour? Grow a thick skin? Quit the job? Ask your boss not to mentor anyone? Is there a course how to deal with aggressive situations?
As I said I am a technical person and not a psychologist and not really used to this.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/06/2018 13:42

So what happened when you talked to your director about it?

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 13:39

One of the ways for new graduates to learn is to go through a someone’s project/ someone else’s calculations.

I find it weird that she wants to know what I’m doing and asking our director to check those projects. While going through my work, she comes over and asks questions and I explain it to her and that’s how she learns. Then the next time she gets her own project, maybe something simpler but she checked a few others and has an idea how to do it.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/06/2018 13:34

Why aren't you answering any questions about management and why she is checking your work and what your manager says about it? All those seem to me to be very relevant points....

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 13:24

As I explained, it is not a training agreement as in a law firm. The company does not have enough people to do this and I would never offer to do that much work (years of reports, in my own time, I can’t do this during the office hours as I have a very short time to complete my own projects and already work over time to meet deadlines) but I thought she would get overlooked like I was.
I am certainly not going to help her now. Let the boys’ club take care of it tee her. She’ll be chartered in the next life!

OP posts:
LassWiADelicateAir · 23/06/2018 13:14

I am not attacking you. Reading your posts I don't think you are at the moment mentor material. I wouldn't want you as a mentor.

You are fixated on how experienced and senior you are and how this "girl" should be grateful you are doing her a "favour"

Mentoring is not doing someone a favour- if that is your attitude I don't think you are cut out for it.

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 13:09

You can’t get chartered without having a mentor who’s got certain qualifications and certifications. It took me years to get chartered because nobody wants to take such a huge task. The law must be different to engineering and also it is not a male dominated field. You don’t know how it feels when everyone above you is male and only help other males, it’s a boys’ club and that’s why I wanted to help her. It is a huge favour as it involves signing off all their competencies and reports.
With all due respect the law is different, it’s is not safety critical and people’s lives do not depend on this. Also there are only 4% of females in the industry whereas the law is a girls’ club. Your training agreement is totally different as well. I find it bizarre that someone with a law degree is attacking me Grin

OP posts:
LassWiADelicateAir · 23/06/2018 12:48

It is voluntary and it requires a lot of time and energy and certain experience and certifications. It is a huge favour!

No it is not a huge favour. It is a voluntary role you took on. It should be viewed as something worthwhile in itself for you and the mentee.

In addition to the mentoring which is part of my job I mentor (by rmail and Skype) third year female law students from my old university. It isn't a favour. I'm giving something back and I get something out of it.

Soozikinzi · 23/06/2018 12:38

You will have to get past the age thing that happens to me all the time that colleagues the same age as my children get promoted etc. But I certainly wouldn't do anything voluntarily to help her and as others have suggested just answer professionally and ask for any criticism to go in an email so you have evidence of any bullying.

BertrandRussell · 23/06/2018 12:30

So why is she checking your work? Wht does your immediate boss say about it? What happened when you had a sit down meeting with her setting out your respective responsibilities?

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 12:26

Sorry for not explaining it. I am asssigned to be her technical mentor at work. But I also offered to be her official mentor at the institution to help her get chartered. It is voluntary and it requires a lot of time and energy and certain experience and certifications. It is a huge favour!

OP posts:
Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 12:17

Anyway I think I got my answer. I am just not a mentor type and I have to get out of this role ASAP.
I had mentors when I was younger and I was greatful they wanted to share their knowledge and time with me. I certainly did not yell at them and argue with them. I’m not enjoying this and actually feel very hurt,
not healthy at all.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/06/2018 12:15

Have you discussed the situation with your immediate manager? Why is she checking your work at all?

LassWiADelicateAir · 23/06/2018 12:09

Oh and no one said males must be better mentors but if that is what you are taking from this that in itself is another reason to have a look at yourself, not her.

PeakPants · 23/06/2018 12:09

I don't think you need to go on a course. I think the point is that unless you have been assigned to be her mentor, let her get on with it. Perhaps you come across as overbearing, perhaps she is just a cow. Nobody knows.

As for the 'girl' thing, I do try to avoid using it with adults, but I would bet a lot of money that she uses it to refer to herself. Most people under 30 seem to do and many over 30 seem to continue for quite a while. If you watch Love Island or TOWIE, you will see what I mean.

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 12:08

I do agree that I should find a new job where I just do technical things and it does not include mentoring/ helping new graduates as I really don’t like conflict.
Somehow boys (or young male graduates) are more respectful to me but still it does take a lot of patience and you’re right, I’m not a mentor material, I do find it stressful and I’m amazed at how they always think they know everything.

OP posts:
LassWiADelicateAir · 23/06/2018 12:07

I don't know what the structure of your industry is. Mine has a pretty formal structure in that most senior staff at all levels will be expected to provide a mentoring role to new graduates which I suppose makes it easier. In my line of work most entrants have been mentored and most will perform a mentor role.

If there is no formal structure then I think appointing yourself as a mentor is problematic, especially if in doing so you are giving out the tone of voice some posters have picked up on here. In the absence of a formal structure perhaps a more organic approach is needed.

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 12:00

If you think I’m the problem, how do I fix it? Is there any course I can do? How did this come about? What did I do?
My work is highly technical and when she was checking my work and asking questions I realised she doesn’t have a clue but I didn’t say anything. Then she said she can’t be checking it any more as it’s a disaster and not up to standards.
I am saying that I have never had a female competing with me so aggressively and I don’t want to be a bully. And I’m thinking she might be a bully but I’m totally baffled by this, I don’t like conflict and will leave this job but from what you’re saying is that I belittled her and I’m not a mentor material? Males must be better mentors. Grin whatever

OP posts:
LassWiADelicateAir · 23/06/2018 11:54

Sorry for calling a 23 year old female new graduate a girl. I didn’t realise that’s offensive

It is not so much offensive as showing a very patronising attitude to young women. It undermines them as "just girls, no need to take them seriously. Would you refer to a 23 year old male graduate as a boy?.

I'm older than you by some way. I left university in 1981. Every 6 months I will be working with new graduates, men and women, of that age. It has never once occurred to me to think of any of them other than adults and to treat them as adults.

UpstartCrow · 23/06/2018 11:44

If you can't talk to her without bullying her then yes, you should leave. Talking to a colleague about their work has absolutely nothing to do with shaming them.

Develop a more professional attitude and focus on the work, not ages or personalities.

Original poster
Babycakes6 · 23/06/2018 11:41

I’m saying she is so young becuase this does feel like I’m in high school! And she is certainly behaving that way. It’s been 26 years since I’ve finished high school, I forgot how to deal with it.

Do you think it’s something to do with the director? Why is he giving her my work to check if she literally doesn’t know how to do it, she can’t come up with anything other than ‘not up to standards’. But I’ve heard her pestering him to check my project.

I am her senior and I don’t want to be the one to bully junior staff, it looks very ugly. I could take her work and find million mistakes, shame her publicly. But I don’t see the point. It will just get ugly and I belive in ‘live and let live’. I also didn’t have anyone ’giving me the eye’ since school days. It’s ridiculous.
This is highly weird as I’m not a competitive person or a person someone would envy. Sorry for calling a 23 year old female new graduate a girl. I didn’t realise that’s offensive.

OP posts:
LassWiADelicateAir · 23/06/2018 09:26

The OP thinks she would be a good mentor to young women entering her profession.

The tone of her post is deeply unprofessional - all that irrelevant stuff about her looks competing for boyfriends.

I think any one who thinks of young entrants to her profession as "girls" is demonstrably not mentor material.

Swipe left for the next trending thread