Bearing the weight

Welcome sister

Sometimes other people need a little upset. With your background you will have been trained to put your own needs last. When in reality your needs are important - a rested happy parent is the core of a strong family.

Yes Spd sucks :( I need to book an appt with an osteopath who I saw last time... highly recommend that by the way if you haven’t already.

you have a lot to handle - vent away. In harder times in my life I’ve learned to temporarily drop everything that’s not truly essential. The kids are essential - a clean house (beyond the basics) is not. Right now I’m pregnant and barely able to walk with spd so the bulk of the housework is not happening. And that’s OK - the basics are done, it’s hygienic, it’ll do. Good enough really is enough.

The whole quiverful thing makes me shudder if I’m honest - I’m glad you’ve moved away from it.

How old are the kids? They should be old enough to help with chores significantly. Dh needs a list to do, so do the kids. Yes you still have the load of directing but delegate.

Finally - you are important. Your health, wellbeing and happiness are important. 💐 do what you need to get you through. Vent here when you need to.

Hugs to you

It must be very hard to know your daughter is self harming. In my experience the self harming is not as bad as the emotions which lead to it. Typically, deep self-loathing. Addressing those feelings is the key, address the behavior alone doesn't solve the problem and whatever new coping mechanism is found (e.g. doing push ups to 'feel the burn') is likely to become a problem itself.
Usually teens grow out of it. As you get older things get a bit more perspective and emotions aren't as volatile. That doesn't help either of you right now, just now that if you can hang on there is light at the end.

That sucks about your husband but it's familiar to many of us. My husband leaves a lot of thing to me, often for good reason. Eg. with the gardening i have very specific ideas about what I want so I do that. I am more available during the day so I run the errands. And so on. And then the remaining stuff (general housework) we used to split 50/50. That's not fair. I put it to him, yes, fine for me to handle the car maintenance because I know more about it. Fine for me to do the yardwork, I actually prefer it. But then you need to take SOMETHING ELSE off my plate. Take it ENTIRELY not leaving the management and scheduling and remembering and checking (i.e. 50% of the job) to me. Maybe you pick the dishes and make it your own job to keep an eye on them, remember to check, and do them whenever they need doing not just when you feel like it, and I never have to think about the dishes or wash them at all.

So if he wants you to do these hard conversation with the girls, fine. But what's he picking up instead? Make HIM tell you what he's picking up that's ADDITIONAL to what his normal 50% division is. Make him pick a WHOLE thing - e.g. "The back yard" or "all the laundry all the time" that you just never have to think about because he is 100% taking care of it. If he picks 'edging the lawns' or 'hanging out the washing' then you still have to be involved with the other parts and still have to manage it. If he does the whole lot you can just say 'the backyard's looking crap' and leave it on him.

Another thing - abdicate anything you're doing that you don't need to or don't want to do. I bought a second laundry basket and stopped washing my husbands clothes. We each put our dirty clothes in a separate basket and wash them whenever we want. I'm not responsible for where any of his things are or whether they're clean when he needs them (I would do this with your daughters too). I iron nothing. I don't make his lunch. I actually don't make his dinner either most of the time because we prefer to eat different things so I cook for me and he cooks for him. I don't know when any of his friends and family's birthdays are. It's not your job if you decide that it's not. Even with dishes for example, you can decide what your fair share is (e.g. every 4th day you wash a load) and just stop doing it the rest of the time. If they want clean dishes they will have to pull their own weight (and you will have to sometimes wash an individual dish so that you can use it). Cook dinner every second day and suggest that someone else makes a plan for the other day otherwise you're going to just buy and cook something for yourself.

I can see why men fight so hard to retain the status quo. Think of how it's been throughout history for men... women are the gift that keeps on giving.
You get to have sex with them
they make your children
if you don't want children you can say 'it wasn't me'
they have the bother of feeding and looking after the children
they do the cleaning
you get to have sex with them

There was (yet another) famine somewhere in Africa a few years ago, and I was surprised that it was all women and small children who were starving. Read up on why, and it turned out that there really wasn't a famine at all, the men had simply locked the granaries and gone elsewhere. Men could have several wives. Wives were a good thing because they each brought a little plot of land as a dowry, which they then had to work. The men controlled the granaries. When things got tough the men locked up the valuables and walked away, as you could always get another wife, and children are a drug on the market.

This might be hard to believe but since I became Catholic, my perspective has shifted enormously and I have slowly begun to understand that feminism is a positive thing,

I understand this completely - although I have no interest or belief in religion I was brought up an Irish Catholic and I never received the message that men were any more equal than women. I know Irish Catholicism is slightly different to elsewhere because it had to be tailored to a society that had female deities, but I genuinely thought women were the important ones, when I was growing up. 😅 Still do, mind you...

And meant to say...
I get it 💐

I could have written your OP Floral.
Depressed/anxious dd with self harm episodes.
Autistic children, one home educated and trying to get through the EHCP process, one about to go through the diagnosis process.
All of the emotional stuff is down to me, and dropping it isn't an option as someone has to do it.

Posting/lurking on MN has always been an outlet, but right now it's proving more stressful than helpful.

Young through????

What the hell

Going through obviously

flora

Really sorry to hear this, its dreadful when you feel you have no support and what your daughter is young through is an incredibly hard thing to deal with as a parent

I don't usually say when ive reported but ive reported the earlier poster...shoddy behaviour

I

I so wish I was 25 knowing what I know now. No achy knees and can drink more than one glass of wine without falling asleep AND being to make sensible decisions without feeling guilty. Anyone got a time machine so I can go have a little chat with my younger self?

Stop doing all the housework and cooking, you work full time too.
Don’t be put off from applying for that job.
Go for that promotion.
Don’t put the all your inheritance in a joint account.
Stop buying cards & presents for your in laws and arranging all their visits.
Don’t feel bad about buying those nice shoes with that birthday money.
Don’t let yourself be insulted without speaking up.
Stop trying to keep the peace.
What else?

FloralBunting, first of all you have a big load, so cheered to you for carrying it with grace and fortitude (even though some days it feels like grunt and gritted teeth).

Also your narky, upfront approach to goading made me laugh, it's one of the reasons I love female company.

On a more serious note, I think that feminism comes more clearly into focus as we age. Young women have considerable utility for the patriarchy, so they are treated differently (not necessarily better), than older women.

But once you're a middle-aged woman, you've pretty much done your race as far as society cares, and you're left with all the responsibilities but none of the attention. Once you're in the shadows, so to speak, you can more easily see the circus in the centre ring.

I hope your daughter gets better and I hope you know that other women understand your frustration. I suspect it's the company of other women which has enabled the female half of the human race to maintain sanity over the last couple of millennium.

I might be wrong but I don',t think you','re here for advice, just an opportunity to vent and connect. That',s ok. There are legends out there doing the frontline work of feminism. For the rest of us we do what little we can which may go no further than saying I',m here and I agree. I think (hope) those frontline warriors take comfort in recognising our numbers and solidarity with them.

As for the difficulties you are facing. All i can say is you have my sympathy, stay strong and I hope things get better for you.

There are many road to Damascus moments in life. As I have got older I constantly reassess things that I have done, or have had done to me, that have made me tired, weary or unhappy. Feminism- that centers women - had helped me realize what was good no on. I don’t count my self as rad or lib. I just listen and learn and take on board what’s been talked about. I don’t agree with everything, but a refreshing perspective once you see it.
It also helps me make decisions in all areas of my life that I may have shied away from before due to feelings of guilt or obligation.

Yes, it's reactive rather than proactive so you're still doing the mental juggling even if he's doing the practical work.

I know what you mean about the volunteering being a lifeline, if lots of other stuff is going on.

Are you able to talk to your partner about the mental load? So if you are better at counselling the children, he could help you do that by being on top of whatever housework/admin so you don't have to be.

Well done for posting.

I too went through many cutting events with my child. I chose not to call it self harm as that was not what they were doing. This is controversial I realise, and it was not trivial, it was serious.

It passed. Puberty passes. They get through it.