Taking it out on your body - exploring possible roots

*You can’t outrun female oppression, and God knows I’ve tried.”

So well put

This thread is amazing, as are the women posting in it.
So much of it resonates for me. I grew up the daughter of an alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother. Both had suffered various forms of abuse themselves as children. There’s sexual assault, emotional assault, and physical assault across my lifetime, from various people - some strangers, some not.
I self-harmed between the ages of 13 and approx. mid-20s. I used sex and drugs to self-medicate during those times. And food, god yes.

It’s strange, because I haven’t self-harmed in the typical sense (I was a cutter, mostly) for years, but there are still times in my life when pain might be involved (injections, the ear-piercings I finally got “for me” because I loved them, not for the pain) and the internal me has raised an eyebrow.

I don’t think it’s ever far away. You can’t outrun female opression, and god knows I’ve tried.

MoltenLasagne

Yes. You're absolutely right. And it starts early - I remember being about 4 and thinking how good I was to sit quietly for long periods of time instead of running around and shouting like the boys.

I also convinced myself that I didn't get hungry, tired or cold - of course I was happy in just a miniskirt and top in December! Looking pretty was far more important than being warm.

As for pain, I broke my finger in three places during school PE at 13. The receptionist told me to stop making a fuss and go back to class. It was over a week before I went to hospital, and by then it was a complete mess - needed several operations and have very little movement in it now. I can remember just thinking that the pain and swelling would have to go away eventually, and someone in authority had said it was fine and I was making a fuss, so best to ignore it. It was my dad (who I didn't live with at the time) who eventually had to say hey, maybe get that X-rayed.

Another point. I know that my mother (born 1930s) believed that the solution to societally induced female distress was education (university) and a “career”. She did quite a lot to make that happen for her daughters and was totally nonplussed when it didn’t work out.

About 20 years ago I had a couple of operations with absolutely minimal anaesthetic. Recently I had some dental treatment and I realised that the fact that I now want to feel no pain when in the doctor’s or dentist’s chair is a sign of great progress. I won’t tolerate unnecessary pain any more. I take care of myself.

YY molten lasagna. Except I often think ‘this is obviously just a particular way of expressing alienation from yourself’.

I know exactly when I became unable to express anger and it was a particular beating my dad was giving me and I became so angry that I would have stabbed him past the point of death. That scared me so much that I haven’t been able to express any emotion properly since.

I have realised that I feel like I am totally out of control when emotions burst out but I have been told more than once that I come across as justifiably emotional but rational and appropriate.

I don’t remember expressing emotions when I was a child really, they came out when I wasn’t in control but I don’t know whether that is an innate thing, an abuse thing or a sexist socialisation thing or a combination.

I'm so out of touch with any of my pain, hunger, emotional responses from a lifetime of learning to ignore them because I was taught not to bother people.

A few years ago I burnt my finger on the kettle at work. I was due to have a meeting and I sat through it with my finger hurting rather than inconvenience anyone else by taking time to run it under the tap.

It’s a really small thing but it has stuck with me.

Good point Beyond. For me it’s the socialisation not to express anger combined with everyone’s inability to respond to female anger.

I don't have a problem expressing anger in the sense of being able to be angry, I'm probably over capable of expressing anger especially if I get to meltdown.

People do respond somewhat apathetically though, and then that leads to me directing it inward

I think so much of femininity is celebrating denial of the self. A good girl is someone who doesn't take up space, doesn't ask for anything, doesn't put others out, acts a silent support, achieves perfection without showing the effort. I bought into it wholeheartedly as a child and still do to a certain extent although I'm trying to change my thinking.

I'm so out of touch with any of my pain, hunger, emotional responses from a lifetime of learning to ignore them because I was taught not to bother people. I've ended up hospitalised because I didn't recognise pain to be serious, I've fainted because I'd forgotten to eat or drink for days whilst on projects and didn't get hungry or thirsty, like PPs I've finally learnt to recognise that I was angry for a lot of my childhood but it was just compartmentalised.

Awfully, when I hear about girls who think they aren't girls because they hate their bodies, my first reaction is to scoff. "Hah, who are they thinking they're so special? You're not supposed to like yourself. Idiots." And then I remember this isn't supposed to be normal - it's just I was raised to believe being female means hating yourself.

Offred

Anger without motivation I think it was

I have massive difficulty with anger.

Me too. Mine automatically directs inward. I read somewhere that depression is anger without direction, or something like that.

I think women in general have a chronic problem expressing anger.

I have however decided that I am going to stop focusing on how all these things make me dysfunctional but how all these things help me function.

Small but important change.

I drink to cope with people.

I have replaced smoking with vaping.

I have massive difficulty with anger.

I have a cycle re eating. Stress stress stress undereating (well starving) being overwhelmed by stress overeating.

I am currently in stress phase and haven’t eaten since Monday night. It’s not so much a conscious choice as a sick feeling when I eat and a feeling of overwhelming ravenous hunger when I overeat.

I do however like the tight feeling I have in my stomach right now. It is making me feel like I exist.

I have come to believe I do not have anxiety or depression TBH I just have a shitty life. A psychiatrist told me that last year after I took an overdose. He told me to come off the ADs too and he was right I think.

I agree with this. I'm autistic and the daughter of an emotionally abusive, addict parent. My early teen years were characterised by self-hatred and self-harm. Constantly told that I needed to 'toughen up' and 'fit in' by people on the outside, and much, much worse by my parent.

Of course I blamed myself for everything. I also didn't recognise most of my emotions. Up until my mid-20s I was adamant that I had never experienced anger - I had plenty to be angry about, but I turned it all inward. And as a young teenager I was very aware of gendered socialisation, in a very black-and-white way. I could be a valuable little girl by being clever. A valuable woman was a sex object - which I wasn't, but I tried to be, and felt inadequate for it.

I'm so glad I discovered radical feminism at 15. It didn't make everything better, but it showed me that the values that had been pushed on me weren't the only one's possible.

fatwatastic ♥️

Welcome, fatwa.

X post
fatwa, so much of that resonates

Women are clearly expected to cope with the uncopable. Full time job in line with education , husband, children, housework, cooking, everyone healthy, happy and developing Fully in line with their potential? Woman, if you aren’t making all of that happen you aren’t coping as you should!

Yes to this. Definitely.

We are hardly ever taught to listen to our bodies’ responses and fully feel our emotions. It took me years to understand what I needed to do to fully enjoy having sex (sorry if TMI) and that was when I was recovering from anorexia and spending most of my waking hours analyzing my feelings.

Come to think of it, overeating.

I have NC for this.

I have no idea how this thread came about but I am all up for it. I have spent the last 7-10 years trying to explore my reasons behind my issues and have made some headway. I will try to explain.

I am almost 40 years old. Since 14 years old I have struggled with sex, drug and limerance issues. I am heavily tattooed and 4 stone over weight. I have been diagnosed bipolar and also have PTSD. I am unable to stick to routines for more than 4-6 weeks and self sabbotage massively. I struggled to make serious long term healthy relationships until I met my husband. Despite him being awesome in every way, I had several flings during a break down triggered by the revisiting of childhood sexual abuse. We patched things up and now I focus on being as healthy in my mind as I can.

What do I think has led to all of this? I have been exploring this with my therapists and by writing for the last 7 years.

I was born to a single mum, one of my first memories was her telling me that as a baby i did not have a bed. I slept in a drawer. Thats fine, poverty is not a crime. But by the time I was 4 I knew that my dad was not just my dad. I was the product of a very messy affair and my step brothers resented me massively. My parents were not any good at providing consistency, They were often drunk of a night but we always had food on the table etc.

I was raised to believe that admitting you are wrong is to admit a mistake, and that is unacceptable. Affection that was free flowing one day was withdrawn the next and my mother could not take responsibility for anything. she still can't. My father told me was proud of my just once, when I was 19. He was very very sporadic in his affection and I have just 3-4 happy memories with him in it. My grand parents raised us through the summer holidays, that is our happy times.

As a teenager I babysat for a friend of the family. I woke up in bed in the morning to find the dad had climbed in behind me, put a hand over my mouth and focred himself on me. This happened repeatedly. After a while i told my parents, they refused to believe me. Even blamed me.

I went crazy, drink drugs. ended up in a horrible relationship where I was beaten black and blue. He went to prison. I started trying to rebuild my life and met my husband the first week in uni. I treated him awful. in hindsight i was trying to push him away before he got chance to leave me but he stuck to me like glue and helped me to deal with it all. I put it in a box and tried to heal. In my late twenties the girl I baby sat for found me. The family friend was in prison, convicted of raping her daily from age 7-17. My life collapsed, but I rebuilt it.

Now. I smoke socially and I drink a lot. Not as much as I used too as I find the more I learn, the better I deal with it and the nicer I am to myself. If I know I have an important meeting or deadline on say, Tuesday AM I get steaming pissed on the Monday and screw my chances before I even get started.

I over eat while thinking about how nice it would be to be slim and not all aches and pains.....then have another cake and tell myself that it doesn't matter. BUT I have kicked my cocaine addiction and while i still have an addictive personality it is only a damage to my own pocket.

I drive too fast despite knowing the risks AND one of my biggest fears is having a crash.

I am desperate to get a mortgage but am chronically unable to save and waste 400-600 a month on total shit.

I get tattoos as I like them, but it is also a test of physical endurance. It puts me in control as I can stop it any time and end the pain but instead I choose to keep going and feel bulletproof at the end. I get an adrenalin rush, get horny as hell and is probably the only time I actively want sex these days.

I was incredibly promiscuous when I was younger, full blown sex addict. But sex means absolutely nothing too me. It's like shaking hands or making small talk at the bar while you are waiting to get served. In hindsight, this was because i was desperate to make a connection but did not know how as my emotions were fucked up and locked away in a box so I could survive. I am cured of this now but did lapse briefly when the abuse resurfaced.

I am doing better now as I own ALL my behaviour. I apologise freely if it is due but it took me 30 years to learn. I do not blame shift if I have made a mistake. I practice self soothing instead of relying on drugs and promiscuity to give me a boost. I can vocalise my feelings and am not scared to say no even if my family are in my head telling me I am rude and impolite. I say exactly what is on my mind.

My circle is small, but amazing.