Taking it out on your body - exploring possible roots

Such an interesting thread. Thank you. I have experienced trauma throughout my life, and have had to live with much that can't be changed. And I recognise so much of my own past in the comments here. to all

what i find interesting is the common language of women's expression of not coping - the turning inwards - even if the root causes might be quite distinct.

i've suffered no abuse or neglect in my life, but i am (it turns out) autistic. i've worked my way through pretty much every not coping mechanism mentioned on the thread. that i never committed suicide is i guess i sideswipe bonus of my female socialisation. having witnessed the impact of parental suicide within my family, as soon as my eldest was born i guess i surrendered any semblance of a say in that respect. the only way out was always through.

thanks for this thread.

as an aside, i think it can be a very common experience for autistic women to be scared/wary of other women, particularly other women in groups. because some of our formative experiences of misunderstanding and rejection have come from not being a "good enough" girl/woman, not conforming to/even seeing the subtleties of femininity. i'm glad that pp are able to access and thrive in "women only" physical spaces, for some of us those safe spaces only really exist online.

so much resonates on this thread. Absolutely sick to death of just put on a happy face and smile through the pain bullshit that’s taking over everywhere. How convenient that the vast majority of women’s problems are because they’re not confident enough or positive enough or grateful enough.

I was pondering this thread earlier. It struck me that many of you have touched on experiences with abusive family members or others who had not respected your boundaries or right to self-determine, but also that you were often vocal on the trans threads. There are a lot of posters on MN who have been in abusive relationships, whether familial or intimate, and are able to spot problematic behaviours and expectations in others very quickly. I wonder if that’s why we draw such ire in FWR - we are not easily manipulated and we are not afraid to point out problematic behaviour when we see it.

you aren't.
My counsellor told me the other day that although I feel powerless I must be strong to withstand what I have in life. It kind of helped.
Pm me if you like, happy to chat x

That explains how I feel atm so well, Quentin

I'm a little worried that I'm just one little push away from full on breakdown and a straight jacket 😕

Brilliant post former
This thread is very thought provoking.
I feel like I'm sort of squinting at my life through my fingers at the moment because so much of it hurts. This thread is helping me feel less alone. Thank you all

That's really interesting, former

i'm only mid-way through reading this thread but i'd like to say a massive thankyou to everyone posting. a lot is resonating for me.

As a side note, I read a book about the rise and fall of the Victorian servant years ago. One part of it towards the end has always stayed with me.

Apparently, there was a point in the 50s with the advance of technology where it looked as though housework would be industrialised, particularly laundry work. Huge industrial laundries were being set up and domestic laundry was becoming a commercial venture with housewives dropping off the dirty household's clothes and picking them up ironed.

Then the appliance manufacturers realised they would make more profit by selling small domestic units for the home.

And that was the thing that turned laundry into unpaid and undervalued women's domestic work. Prior to that, paying for laundry to be done had been common throughout history, whether you employed a charwoman, a laundress etc. It was understood to be work of value. Even working class women that couldn't afford someone to do the work were in a climate where it was recognised to be "work".

But that change from the production of commercial laundry units to private domestic washing machines for greater profit meant that now laundry isn't seen as work at all.

So much of what women do domestically is not seen as work, but here's the thing: it used to be seen that way. And there was this point where it was looking like it was all going to be commercialised.

Can you imagine that? A culture where washing is something to be dropped off dirty and picked up clean. And it's cheaper to do that than to do it yourself? Where housecleaning is commercialised and reasonably priced? Why is it that people are prepared to pay for a window cleaner but baulk at someone to vac and wash their floors?

It's those bloody small domestic appliances that started in the 50s. They've entrapped us; it's a gaslighting on an enormous scale: "here's this stuff you have to do that isn't work, that you won't get paid for, and has no value but is expected of you and will eat lots of time."

Is it any wonder that women can't cope? But we are socialised to think this set up is normal. We are socialised to gas light ourselves.

I had to really sit on my hands to avoid saying something similar wearegerbils! I may use your response next time it comes up!

Or the other favourite WFKAW - yeah but that happened a long time ago, aren't you over it now?

I think though that there are some women's centres who are making the links. Trouble is old fashioned campaigning by charities is scarce because of threats to funding.

A particular bugbear of mine at the moment is the kind of pop psychology meme that women often share on SM. The other night a friend shared 'I will make you happy, but first I will make you strong. Love from Life.' which gave me the total rage. Tell that to someone who suffered childhood abuse or a child in Syria today. Suffering does not make you strong. Quite the reverse.

I hate this too. Whenever anyone posts what doesn't kill you makes you stronger type shit I like to reply with not according to peer reviewed neuroscience research. I'm a bundle of fun!

I couldn't agree more Offred

I get stressed out about the forgiveness panacea...

I decided a few years ago it was fine to not forgive people for things that were unforgivable or when they didn’t deserve forgiveness. There is some kind of assumption that if you don’t forgive all the time that means you are bitter, resentful or hateful and this, especially for women, is meant to be a terrible thing.

So much stuff all the time about forgiveness setting you free, forgiveness has only ever been a captor to me. Telling myself it’s ok to not forgive is what has helped me.

Finally read the whole thread. So many heartbreaking stories and what strikes me is their similarity. I can add my own roll call: anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, depression, anxiety, OCD, pushing myself through unbearable pain for six months to 'successfully' breastfeed. What struck me reading the thread is how talking about these things is still pretty taboo. If we talked about them wed realise how common they were and gain strength from that. It's divide and conquer. We are encouraged to think we are crazy individuals rather than that society is sick.

A particular bugbear of mine at the moment is the kind of pop psychology meme that women often share on SM. The other night a friend shared 'I will make you happy, but first I will make you strong. Love from Life.' which gave me the total rage. Tell that to someone who suffered childhood abuse or a child in Syria today. Suffering does not make you strong. Quite the reverse. Women are being taught that they should suck it up because that's what will make them into a better person. The idea that forgiveness is the answer to all life's woes is another rage inducer. Not sure if the people who lap up these kind of things have just had very easy lives or if they're trying to make sense of their own suffering.

So much abuse and exploitation of women is normalized that even well-meaning and kindhearted men don’t recognize it unless it is spelled out very clearly indeed.

I have suffered with so many of these things - anorexia, bulimia, cutting, hair pulling, nail biting. At one point in my teens, I broke my own wrist with a hammer. I experienced sexual abuse in childhood so I’ve always attributed directly to that but some interesting points here.

I’ve also finally got to the end of the thread. Many of you have shared painful experiences and traumas, but the thing that really stands out for me is your courage, honesty and integrity. There have been some incredibly insightful posts here which have made me look at some of my own experiences and behaviours with fresh eyes. Thank you.

My house is often a shit tip and it feels like a barometer of how well I am coping. But actually, in order to cope, I don’t do housework. So my messy house is about coping, not not coping, if that makes sense

Thank you for posting this, Fortunate - I needed to hear it. I made a concious decision when my kids were tiny and I was drowning with full time work & home stuff that I would prioritise my mental health over a tidy house. Now my kids are older I keep framing the house chaos as having ‘lost the plot’ but really its the outward manifestation of making a kinder, more protective choice for my own wellbeing and sanity. Now I have more energy and headspace, I can expend a little more of it towards bringing order to the house chaos, but I shouldn’t berate myself for it.