WIBU - man telling me not to leave my bag open

You were being arsey for no reason

I agree with the OP at the beginning. He was being patronising. He only needed to tell her once to be helpful. He wouldn't have badgered a man about it. And he probably continued because he was annoyed at not being listened to or didn't respect the fact that OP though she had it hand.

But this may be an older generation thing. I have been aggressively told off for not minding my stuff by an older lady. It didn't sound helpful and she was certainly pissed off when I politely declined to take her "advice".

Some people are busybodies, some men are patronising sods and others of us trust our own judgement. I don't see any problem with being politely assertive enough to decline such advice, if done with good manners.

It's the persistence. If I see that someone's bag is open and think they don't know, I'll mention it to be helpful.

But if I tell someone their bag is open and they say, "Yeah I know, it's fine" then I'll accept that it's their decision and none of my business. I won't keep on about it - it's not my bag.

There's a difference between trying to be helpful and refusing to back off when someone doesn't want your 'help'. The latter can be quite intimidating. And, in my experience anyway, much more common in men.

I guess what I am saying it felt like a you are a stupid woman and I am wise man way of telling me.

I'd think you were daft if I saw it, don't know if I'd mention it though - as long as easy targets like you are around I'm less likely to have anything of mine nicked.....

Mind you, decades ago on the way to work, a bloke informed me that I had a run in my tights. For some reason I did not appreciate him telling me (I was stroppy back then). He explained he thought I might be on my way to an interview. Fair enough, I guess. When I spoke of it to my friend (the friend above) she said she would have thanked the man (she would have relished the attention more likely!!). Nowadays I am not so stroppy and would have said thanks I think

I am always telling my friend off for this. (Having a bag open that is). However, she never gets anything nicked (mainly because she relies on others to 'look after her'. (She is able bodied, but if anything was nicked she would blame the person with her for not being more observant!!!)).

He was trying to be helpful but he went about it the wrong way by saying that you shouldn't leave your bag open...he was telling you what to do.

When I see something like this, I nicely point it out "excuse me, your bag is open"...that is better than "you shouldn't leave your bag open".

*fallen out

And this is why we now have a ,couldn’t-give-a-flying-fuck-about-anyone-else’ society - he noticed, he warned you, you gave him a ‘thanks/fuck off’ in that voice we have (I’ve told many people about open bags and you get a rude reaction because you’ve pointed out they’re being an idiot’ so he carries on
I agree.
How much was I was polite probably a on the surface polite but with quite a strong hint of 'why the hell are you getting involved'?
Sounds like he was trying to be helpful.

I've also helped people out & picked up children's toys that have falled out and walked down the street after them to return it and been looked at like muck and been given an arsey 'thanks' with a foul look as if somehow it's my fault for trying to be helpful. The world is odd at times.

And this is why we now have a ,couldn’t-give-a-flying-fuck-about-anyone-else’ society - he noticed, he warned you, you gave him a ‘thanks/fuck off’ in that voice we have (I’ve told many people about open bags and you get a rude reaction because you’ve pointed out they’re being an idiot’ so he carries on. Weirdly he could not mind read and didn’t know you ‘had 2 adults you trusted’ watching the bag. For all he knew they were strangers eyeing it up to steal!!

You turned crime prevention into female oppression, I give up!,,,

He was being helpful, repeatedly whether you liked it or not, as men do.
Male dominance displays are everywhere.

Yes, I agree. Very much doubt if he'd ever interrupt another man in the same type of situation.

He was being helpful, repeatedly whether you liked it or not, as men do.
Male dominance displays are everywhere.

If you react to this as a ‘feminist Issue’ then what energy do you have left for the real stuff?

Well I'm not exactly matching on Parliament about it. I just made a comment on a website. I've done that for far less tbh.

Handmaidens my arse.

If you react to this as a ‘feminist Issue’ then what energy do you have left for the real stuff?

I don't think YABU.

I had a guy do this to me once. I had left a bag - an old one containing nappies and half a pack of wipes one one side of a playground.

He brought it over to me really aggressively going, 'You shouldn't've left that there. I could have had that I could.' I was like 'oh right. Well don't eh?'

It was really weird. Like a sketch show or something. And he was definitely doing it because I was a woman who needed managing - which I'm not.

I've often told people to watch out when I've seen valuables invitingly on show in open bags. Agree that this isn't a feminist issue at all.

I point out to people if their bag is open but I try and do it nicely rather than sound as if I'm telling them what to do or telling them off.

Noone has ever said anything to DH about it though.

Maybe not to your DH, but it does happen.
I've told men their rucksacks are open myself.

He wasn't BU warning you.
You weren't BU making a choice to ignore his advice, it's up to you.
He was being a little BU persisting, probably because he thought you should take his advice.
You were being a little BU firmly telling him it was ok, because he was only trying to help.

Hardly a major drama though...

The world has gone mad!
Greggs though .

It doesn't sound like he was just giving helpful advice. If I want to point out something similar, I try to choose an opportune moment and use a friendly tone. I don't think it's all that unreasonable to feel like he was being a bit over zealous. I do wonder whether he'd use exactly the same tone and be quite as insistent to a man. Well never know but I get your point OP.

He interrupted you mid conversation with someone else.

This is at best rude, at worst patronising and self-important - I mean, how long do we spend trying to train our children not to do this - to wait politely unless it's an emergency, and to not go on and on once they've been acknowledged while you finish what you're doing.

He persisted when you had acknowledged you had heard him. It is none of his business how you react to what he said

This is exactly it. Again, if my kids did that they would be told that they are not getting whatever it is they're pestering me for if they can't be polite, and if they keep arguing, then they won't get it at all.

The reason I would suspect it was a feminist issue is I've had 'helpful' suggestions fairly often when out and about, persistent sometimes, and it's not something that DP's had (because he finds it amusing, and has noted that when he steps up next to me the persistence magically evaporates)