Women defining themselves as wife and mother.

Having hobbies etc important to you. I get that. It’s not mine. I have no hobbies. I am a single mum. I exercise a lot but I don’t post about it so on FB it would look like o have no life because I hardly ever post and when I do, it is about my children

Perhaps these women just lost interest in theirs. Perhaps they are just enjoying a new different chapter in their lives and that interest in their hobbies will return. Perhaps not. I reckon it will work time but two years in to a new stage of their lives - it’s not sad or worrying that their focus has shifted entirely. As I say, come back to them in months/years and I think the novelty will have worn off and other bits and pieces will feature in their feed.

Perhaps if you can’t relate to where they’re at right now (as is clearly the case) you should simply enjoy your own life/hobbies/whatever and not worry yourself with feeling “sad” for your friends

a very large part of what drives this is the ''what do you do all day?'' mentaility. So many times 'society' - with one individual as its mouthpiece - would try to put me in the dock and me answerable for the fact that I was not 50% responsible for my DC but 100%, that employers undervalued me disproportionately lowly given the length of time I'd been out of the workplace, and that the cost of childcarers was so high, that I'd no practical support etc............... I was made (many times) to defend myself against the fact that I was not earning but was 100% responsible for my DC. The only way I could manage that on such a limited budget was to hunker down and wait for them to grow up a bit.

Now I work. But I sometimes wonder at how few other women see the bigger picture. Yes it's great we have ''the choice'' to work now and we shouldn't be defining ourselves by the man who supports the financial unit (aka, family) but join. up. the. dots! WHY do women do this? because they're forced to offer up a label, forced to justify their existence. They're made answerable for the fact that they are paid less than the man (maybe a father) at the next desk and can't earn enough to pay a childcarer. Forced to answer for the fact that within the economics of their OWN family unit, it wasn't practical to lower the family's income.

@deandre, what we need is a society that will support a parent to support their children from birth to school without it impacting upon them so negatively in a financial sense.

I'm a single parent so I never had the back up of knowing that there was a mortgage being paid off, a pension being paid in to, a career supported. For me it was just week to week, biding my time.

Society is the problem imo. We need to create a society where motherhood does not come at a huge cost. Fatherhood is cheap, and that's at the expense of mothers.

Whether it's FB, Instrgram or any other form of social media, the same principles apply.

It is plain good sense to update to the name you want to be called. Especially in the immediate aftermath is a change. It's a good way of letting people know.

Wifey to John Jones/Momma to Jess and Joni

That makes me cringe. But so does the "Adventurer, photographer, liver of life to the full, pop princess, wine lover, entrepreneur" crap that people spout. As I said upthread, at least the "wife and mother" bit has the virtue of being honest and a bit less self obsessed than some of the crap on there.

"that they feel the need to project nothing but "wifey" and "momma""

I disagree with your premise here.

You note how they are posting, but you ascribe it to 'a need. That is your interpretation and, if you read the thread, one that is not shared by a number of other posters.

It is also wrong to assume that everyone uses FB in the same way - yes we all kinda know it's a form of publication, but many just use it as a way to witter on to family and friends about what is happening here and now.

Especially if you are a professional, who knows damned well that any mention of work life is a no-no (for reputational reasons, which might be a sacking offence - not just on your page but also for onwards comments and unauthorised reproduction elsewhere).

as a very happily married woman who is planning to start a family soon, I feel really sad for these women

Why? Why do you feel sad for them? Because they've enjoyed themselves planning a fun party for their kids? Why is that any more "sad" than the four day hen parties that people plan? Or a wedding with a colour scheme? Why not just have some sandwiches down the village hall? Or an all day golden wedding in a bland hotel? Why not just go down the pub with the family? People like different things.

Maybe they're just enjoying seeing their kids have a good time with their friends? People are different.....

I think what’s most sad is how judgmental their “friend” is being about them

If you change your name on marriage, it makes sense to change it.

Which includes on FB.

I think women should have the choice about what they call themselves, and to publicise the name they wish to go by if they decide to make changes, at the time they make the change.

There was a long thread here about how ridiculous someone was, because they had been addressed by the name they used on FB and they took umbrage because they actually wanted to be called something else.

Being clear on FB is sensible, and I think criticism of the choice, or that it was done promptly, is misplaced

My core meaning is being a mother. My children are young and band at the moment my main thing in life, nothing wrong with giving it your all as a mother, kids only need you full on for such a small part of your own life. I will not have the role of mother so heavily in a different stage of my life. I am successful and I am a suceeful at being a mother. Being a mum does not make me feel inferior to men or other women. I know who I am even if my friends do not because I post just of my kids or things like that. I don’t need to validate myself on social media.

Meanwhile these women have gone from posting about their interests, hobbies, work etc, to just tediously posting about their lives as wives and mothers.

I think the most tedious people are the ones who endlessly post about themselves. Full stop. Actually find them marginally more interesting if they're talking about their family rather than nobbing on about their latest purchase/holiday whatever. "Look at my family" is slightly less self obsessed than "Look at meeeee. At meeeee. Look at meeeee."

I think feminism would achieve far more if we all stopped judging and criticising each other, personally.

@RJnomore1

Thank you for your input. I'm not a mother yet, but I do think it's disturbing that women are willing to erase every other part of themselves in order to be a wife/mother, and that society demands that of them. No wonder so many women decide to be childless when we set up this choice. I've been reading about 'the mother wound' and I do think it's the same thing.

My friends who have kids are throwing all-day themed birthday parties (with decorations, a music playlist, colour theme, costumes, several courses etc) for 3 year olds. It's become the expected norm. Their grandmothers can't understand what is happening. They are all like "Just take them to the park with a store bought cake and some fairy bread. Why make it so hard for yourself?"

I know birthday parties seem tangential to the marriage thing, but it's part of the same issue to me. Our society DEMANDS that motherhood be all-consuming, and says if it isn't you're not doing it right. It also strongly encourages women define themselves in relation to their husbands. I call bullshit on the whole thing, and as a very happily married woman who is planning to start a family soon, I feel really sad for those women.

Our lives are multi faceted and we have lots of roles. As we go through life we lose some roles and take on others. At different times, the importance of some roles wax and wane.
When someone takes on a new role, has a significant role related event going on or has only a few roles, those roles will be more significant.

Op

You’ve not mentioned Job or career

But I don’t think you can deny that if they’d stopped talking about their hobbies and replaced that with posts about a new stimulating work project they’d started, you sure as heck wouldn’t be on mumsnet expressing “sadness”.

I can categorically say since becoming parents both me and my DH are as boring as one another .

I’d never define myself by my marital status but becoming a parent has changed me as a person and I’m sorry if that offends people but I don’t particularly care. I’m a SAHP so I’m probably one of these really boring women who don’t have anything better to do in my life than wait about for a man

Honestly - live and let live.

But the point is, these women are proud and happy about being a wife and mother and that has become their focus. It’s stikl very new to them. As time passes, the novelty will wear off and likely their posts about music and hobbies will increase and post about marriage and motherhood decrease.

It’s nothing to feel sad about.

People are different.

I also know women who dont have their own email addresses and use their husbands, or use a joint one like Tom&[email protected].

Sorry, that made me laugh, quite loudly

PoisonousSIL has an email like that, so BIL can't email anyone without her knowing all about it - but she says it's because they are soul mates, have no secrets, live and breathe as one!!!! She controls much of his communication with the outside world in the same way (even to deleting DHs number from his phone). So I am not sure that I have ever seen the joint email as anything other than a cutesy attempt to how how loved up some people are, no matter who set up the account!

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. Wait a few years and judge women, if you have to, on whether they have navigated their families through life’s choppy waters and raised balanced and happy children and have a supportive and loving marriage.