Why is misgendering a big deal?

I work in a male dominated field and have lost count of the number of times that I have had communications addressed to me as a man, despite an very normal female first name. Speaking to female colleagues, this is not unusual. And yet somehow here we are, functioning as normal professional grown ups and not threatening to kill ourselves or sue people who are at best ignorant or at worst a bit rude.

How others see us is a huge part of the affirmation of who we are.

I'm sorry but if you live your life believing this I can't imagine you will ever be happy, as someone else once said "What you think of me is none of my business."

No one is obliged to agree with your idea of yourself - if I'm morbidly obese with a face like a pug but believe I look like Kate Moss are others obliged to affirm that belief^^ and I'm justified in feeling it's literal violence if they don't?

That's giving other people huge amounts of power over you, which doesn't seem like a good thing for mental health & wellbeing.

On the flip side, if we don't see that mis-gendering someone should be that much of a deal for the person in question, is it really that much of a big deal to call people by the pronoun they would prefer? It doesn't necessarily mean you believe that they ARE that sex, it's just not treating it as a significant issue.
I get called Mrs husband's surname frequently, Mrs my surname and all sorts, it doesn't bother me. My husband gets called Mr my surname, it doesn't bother him. If we can stop placing so much emphasis on pronouns and the values attached to them, perhaps we'll all be better off.

If you refuse to accept people's gender identity, then you're usually transphobic, which means you contribute to large-scale transphobia such as medical denial or trans poverty.

No it doesn't. Stop being so melodramatic. It means that you do not believe that humans can change sex. Which they can't. Men need to realise that women will always see them as men, and men will always see them as men. If it is triggering, then they need to see a medical professional.

It's not for most of us.
When I met DH he had long hair and would often get people referring to him as a lady by various people - usually small children, old ladies, or even mums talking to their small children ("give the money to the lady" type comments).
I've had short hair on and off, but it's maybe happened once twice, I don't recall.
We certainly never thought of it as literal violence.

It is generally about decency. If you refuse to accept people's gender identity, then you're usually transphobic, which means you contribute to large-scale transphobia such as medical denial or trans poverty.

Misgendering can be a contributor to suicide in the sense that in many trans people's minds, it becomes aligned with or triggers symptoms of body dysphoria, which can cause major mental health issues. If the trans person has traumatic memories e.g. transphobic abuse from a family member, or conversion therapy, in which they would be misgendered, this can also cause problems.

It's also politeness. To say you know someone's gender better than they do is to put your own experience of gender over theirs, and possibly their comfort. Essentially, you're arrogant and close-minded, which would piss someone off anyway, but as misgendering is quite personal and pretty much constant for trans people I think it can very easily hit a nerve.

Most trans people don't care about accidental misgendering. This still could be very impactful if it's to do with dysphoria/trauma, but as a general rule if you're getting used to someone's pronouns and make a mistake, they won't care. Purposefully and it's a different story.

Non-deliberate misgendering is surely not something that anyone could reasonably be upset with the other person about? We all have to make a best guess when addressing a stranger, based on how we perceive them.

Deliberate and persistent misgendering of a colleague or an acquaintance seems different to me. I would use their name/they to avoid this, if I were in that situation. I wouldn't want to actively upset them, but equally I wouldn't want to be compelled to use language in a way that doesn't feel truthful to me.

I'm afraid that I will use the pronouns that match a person's apparent sex, if they pass extremely well then I probably wouldn't be able to tell; although I expect that would generally be when encountering TIFs who'd already been taking hormones, etc.
It is an ideology/religion that I don't believe in and I'm entitled to hold that view.

I don't force my religion on other people so I don't expect them to force theirs onto me, which they would be doing if they insisted that I lie and collude with them in this belief that humans can change sex.

I do think it's an important question. I was really interested in the recent threads about being Ms or Mrs or Miss - some people felt strongly about it and seemed to consider their social title part of their identity.

I know that some teachers feel it's quite important to retain a professional form of address that seems pretty old-fashioned in most other contexts.

The rage reaction seems unique to the trans debate though. Or would a teacher become enraged if a parent refused to use her title and called her by her first name publicly, deliberately and consistently? I'm not a teacher but I'm pretty sure it would annoy me. Or maybe it's not a useful comparison?

I'm a tall, slim woman with slightly broad shoulders that I used to be quite self-conscious about. I still remember one day about 10 years ago I stepped back to let a builder pass as he was carrying something heavy. Even though I was partly obscured by fencing so he couldn't see me properly, it did quite upset me when he said "thanks mate". However, I was upset with myself and felt down about my own body. I would never have dreamed about being angry with him. Perhaps that's down to female socialisation?

P.s. happy to report I am fine with my shoulders now

If a woman kept her surname on marriage but someone insisted on calling them by their husbands name that would be seen as rude, nasty and probably mysoginistic. it would be seen as devaluing the woman sense of self.

Its not hugely dissimilar.

Exactly. It would be a lie to call her by a name she has never had. So to call men women, when they can never be, is also a lie.

“How others see us is a huge part of the affirmation of who we are.”

But you aren't though. You may wish you were. But you are not.
I don't believe in transubstantiation.

I have no problem with you wearing a dress if that makes you happy but you are still XY.

Ultimately I care far more about girls and women’s rights than I care about any male’s feelings.

Being mis sexed as a female is the opposite situation, in that the person doing it has made a mistake. I don’t think being forced to shift language and lie in order to shore up someone else’s delusion is helpful to anyone. Of course it is nice to be reasonably polite, it is kind not to deliberately hurt someone’s feelings, but being nice and kind is not always the most helpful way forward for women. It is so entrenched in us, and in this case I think it perpetuates the whole problem.It has allowed male trans people to push forward with an agenda that is damaging for women and girls.

If people at work were to call me a bloke, so what? I mean, I'm short even for a woman and have massive boobs and obviously female facial features, so it would be a bit baffling, for others as much as for me, but ultimately what does it matter? I know what sex I am.

It's those who are aware that they're asserting something about themselves that's not true who find it upsetting when the truth is pointed out.

I think it's because they know that it's not really true.
@Hideandgo, I completely disagree with you. It really wouldn't bother me if someone thought I was a bloke, or referred to me as one; I'd just think they were a bit odd.
The difference is I know what I am, so I don't care/don't need, to be validated by others.

Because it’s just common deceny maybe?

Assuming that everyone adopted this and were polite to transpeople by using the requested names and pronouns, would it be acceptable to be saying this while thinking "but I don't believe you are the gender* you say you are".

Or would that also be wrong?

• gender being used as a proxy for sex, obviously

If a colleague has asked you to call them a certain name it is bullying to persistently refuse to call them that name. Bullying can lead to poor self-esteem and depression. It affects your sense of self and makes you question your value.

Basically it's common courtesy to call people the name they ask you to call them.

Jessica - as far as I know, it is a crime in New York. Not here.

We need to be able to tell the truth. Truth is important and I refuse to lie.
For one thing, the constant 'mis sexing' in the papers leads people to conclude that some violent crimes have been committed by women, when they have been committed by transwomen.

I keep reading on Twitter that misgendering is a crime. Is that true?

There could be any number of reasons for people 'misgendering' from a genuine mistake to deliberately being malicious, from making a political point to mis-speaking. I don't see any of those as violence or as criminal.

What is important is compliance establishes a dominance and reinforces your submission. And submission in one seemingly insignificant act increases your likelihood to submit to increasingly disturbing demands.

I completely agree with this. There is a certain faction for whom compliance is the goal. Forcing pronouns is a wonderful way for them to dominate women.

It goes from pronouns, to establishing that sex is determined by the way you think, to the male persecution of lesbians, and dominance of women in general.