Should I change my last name?

It does come across that way IcedPurple, like they've finally made it. I can't think why the urgency otherwise.

I once knew someone who had her married name (e.g. Mrs Smith) on her pillows...

viago

God yes - major cringe! My sister in law had changed her name on FB almost before she's made her vows! I genuinely don't understand this mentality. Do these women see marriage as some sort of 'achievement' and can't wait to announce to the world that they've succeeded in getting a man?

Further on the point of my name was too boring/exotic/horrible, it always interests me when a woman changes her name on marriage to something that's objectively much worse. So the usual joke surnames like Cockburn, Smellie and Boggs, names that rhyme with yours leading to Jenny Penny, Simone Jones and even names that just don't go together.

I understand to some extent people doing what they think is the default, but it seems like there'd have to be a different thought process there to be willing to accept a name that you must realistically be aware is worse than your own. Possibly one that will lead to you and maybe your children being the butt of jokes. And I have come across examples of each of these, though I used different rhyming names. I don't think it can be especially uncommon.

When somebody says they "can't wait to be Mrs Such-and-such" I just hear that they can't wait for their husband to own them. They are entitled to want this for themselves but I can't empathise.
I kept my name. My dh said he would change his at first but then got cold feet before the wedding day, which I am still slightly miffed about nearly 20 years on.
I recently went to our solicitors to drop in some docs for my husband. I introduced myself as Shelley Lloyd. They took away the docs, which said his name, James Carr, on them, and came back and addressed me as "Mrs Carr". Fuming.

I don't particularly like my surname but would never change it and my DH never wanted or expected me to. If he had, he wouldn't be DH. He would be a sexist idiot that I would have nothing to do with.

The thing that makes me is when women change their name across social media etc literally the day of the wedding.

lottapianos

Plus, you'll hear women say (including on this very thread), oh, I don't like my name, my husand's is so much more exotic etc etc etc.

I mean... every woman has the right to her own choice obviously, but an approximately equal number of men will have those same 'unlikable' surnames and will marry women with 'exotic' surnames. But you'll never ever hear a man so "Oh I didn't like my boring surname. So I took my wife's more interesting name instead." It just doesn't happen. At the very most a man will take his wife's name in addition to his own but even this is rare.Almost never will a man give up his name in favour of his wife's.

So whether or not women want to admit it, it IS a sexist practice and it IS a gendered decision. Very obviously so.

I kept my name, cos it's my name. My husband wasn't bothered at all, and no-one has raised any eyebrows (at least not in my presence! Though we do get Christmas cards addressed to Mr & Mrs Reality's Husband from his grandad).

The more women who keep their names, the more normalised it becomes.

Keep your name OP, or ask him if he'll take yours if he's so keen on a family name.

I kept my name, because it's my identity. I'd no more have changed it than I would have expected DH to change his.

DH wasn't overjoyed with the idea that I wouldn't be Mrs HisName, But he couldn't offer a reason for me to change, beyond tradition, which for me was actually a big part of the argument for keeping my own name, so.... we compromised, and I kept my name but agreed any children would have his. A marriage is often about compromise, after all!

There were heavy hints from the in-laws that changing your name shows your commitment to being a family unit etc, particularly after DH's brother got married and his wife changed her name....But guess what? 13 years on I'm still here, whereas BIL and Mrs BIL got divorced (and she reverted to her maiden name) after 3.

DH has got used to not being irritated when utility companies or plumbers call him "Mr MyName" when he answers the phone.... and I've got used to gritting my teeth smiling sweetly when MIL addresses my birthday card every year to Mrs HisName :-)

Totally agree Iced. The argument that it's just a choice like any other falls apart because, as you say, men fail to make the same choice in any kind of numbers at all. It's also frustrating to see how many women on these threads talk about their names not really being theirs, but their father's. No one ever says that to men.

I have to say that I'm genuinely dismayed by the number of women who take their husband's name on marriage.

Dress it up how you will, but it is a relic of an age whereby marriage represented the transfer of a woman from her father's ownership to that of her husband.

If something is done almost exclusively by one sex and not the other - in the absence of an obvious biological reason (quite rare in practice) - then clearly it is sexist. Not even the most 'right-on' man would ever take his wife's name and abandon his own. Yet women do so all the time. I genuinely do not understand why.

Interesting thing that occurred to me on this. Of all the couples I know who sat down and had a discussion about what they’d do about surnames before getting married, almost all of them ended up with the woman changing her name to the man’s. (One couple both double-barrelled.)

(I didn’t ‘discuss’ it with my husband at all - I let him know that I wouldn’t be changing it, he said he wasn’t expecting otherwise, and that was that.)

I got married over 20 years ago and did not change my name. In my mind my name is/was my identity so why would I change it? I have not changed my mind in that time and the only person who has not respected that is my SIL who still addresses Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs X!! [smile sweetly]

I kept mine, never seriously considered changing it and no way was I going to use Mrs. I don't even remember discussing it with DH. I don't think he considered changing his either. I do actually like his better than mine but I don't think that's a good enough reason to change it.

If you're not bothered, why not keep your name - every woman who doesn't change her name contributes to shifting the cultural expectations for others.

I only married a few years ago, in a central London Register Office, in an unfussy way (us, toddler, two witnesses), and the first thing the Registrar said was, "congratulations Mr and Mrs Plantagenet!". We replied simultaneously, "I\she's keeping my/her name", to which the Registrar said, "oh - I thought you would!" (so why did he say that...)

We weren't too bothered, but if it had been in front of a crowd, it could have been a bit jarring and awkward at the climax of the service. So make sure whoever conducts your marriage knows what you are doing!

bookmum Yep exactly. It's always the 'first' surname from each side which is the fathers. I loved keeping my own name too - so much easier!

In that sense it's no less 'sexist' - but still nice that people have something from both sides and you have your identity from birth til death. Not sure if it makes much difference but my partner feels very associated with both parts of his family, whereas I feel like a 'smith' rather than a 'smith jones'.

Thanks spanishwife that makes sense. When young Pablo has a child it would be Firstname Alvarez Mumspaternalsurname ?

FWIW I'm British but my husband is Spanish so I kept my own last name, so that our childrens' names work properly, e.g. if I took his name, our kids would have had the same last name repeated. Also people would think I'm his sister! It's strange here to change name at marriage.

bookmum the Spanish system is not confusing at all, there is a default way of doing it that 99% of people follow.
It's always the first last name that follows. So it's still the male side that always gets passed down, but at least it's 1 from dad's side and 1 from mom's side.
e.g.
Pedro Alvarez Garcia and Laia Martinez Iglesias has a child Pablo Alvarez Martinez.

I didn't change, and am Ms Dibbler. Ds is myname-dhsname, and if he chooses to marry someone in the future, I'm sure that he and any partner will sort it out for themselves.

I never saw myself as Mrs Anybody, and our relationship is far stronger than the concept of sharing a name

The Spanish system sounds confusing. How do parents decide which one of their two surnames they pass on? Genuine question. I am curious.

I was bloody overjoyed to take DHs name - I had no connection to mine whatsoever. I already changed my name by deed poll to my stepfathers name since my mum had used it for us throughout school. Definitely didn’t want my father’s name. I was glad to move away from all that shit. I guess I would have felt differently if I had a better relationship with my father / stepfather.

Spanish children are given one last name from their mother and one from their father. So Sonia Alvarez Marillo and Juan Cruz Leandro might have a child called Sofia Alvarez Leandro (made up names!)

But Lotta Spanish children don't have 20 different surnames so I assume as each generation is added to a name must be 'dropped'?

Not married, but if we ever do I wouldn't dream of changing my name. It's been my name for 36 years, I like it, and I dislike the patriarchal assumptions surrounding women changing their names. If we have children they'll have my surname.

Any man who had a problem with this would not be a man I'd consider marrying...