Male colleague - views on changing name

I am genuinely interested why women choose to take on their husband's name - the only reason I can see is so the 2 of them and any children all share the same surname. But as someone above said it's interesting that it's nearly always the woman who changes, not the man.

And while clearly it was her choice to make I wonder why Victoria Coren--Mitchell has that name but her husband remains David Mitchell?

There is a conversation around the practice of women taking men's names on marriage, of course.

It's an interesting topic and a complicated one, when you cross it back to societal expectations, norms, upbrining, family expectations etc and so on.

The options that exist dont' contain an obviously best one either. The general options seem to be keep names and kids get men's name, double barelling (won't work as more and more people double barrell they'll get longer and longer!), making a new one up which is a nice idea but not that popular yet and does disconnect from everyone in the past, man takes woman's name (have known this happen). Otehr option - the couple keeps their own names and the kids have the woman's name, people will assume he is not their father. That's just the way it is, in our society. I think some people wouldn't be bothered with doing something they know will make most other people they meet draw the wrong conclusions!

There's no brilliant or easy answer, which is why it's always being talked about.

Anyway there are lots of conversations, this man wasn't having one though, he was being a grade A dick. What kind of a man digs into a woman's personal and home life choices (at work), finds something that allows him to say "HA! You're a shit feminist! You're not e feminist at all no matter what you claim! I'm more of a feminist than you!!". Now I hate this word but in this case it fits, he was being a nasty little bitch.

Also, men hate it when you call them bitches, undermines their ideas about gender and insults, although obviosuly the root is misogynistic it can be worth it to see the look on their faces. Only women are supposed to be "bitches" they really don't like being called on it I once called my dad a slut, he did not like that, his face was a picture of utter shock.

or they could change their own names

Name changing is a valid debate in feminism, but men can sit back and watch the debate from the bleachers. Quietly

I disagree. They could , without it being a personal attack as was the case here, actually consider the absurdity of why this practice is a given.

"All names are mens names, saying being the same as your DH not your father is sexist is illogical."

I disagree. Isn't it funny how men's surnames are assumed to be theirs at birth, but women's surnames are apparently only on loan until they take a husband? The patriarchal assumption is that women have no surname of their own and that their surname changes based upon changes of ownership between their father and any husbands.

The name that a woman is born with is HER name, just the same as the name her brother was born with is HIS name. It is not a man's name. It is a name.

That said, if a woman makes the decision to change her name on marriage, it is not the place of a man to question that under the guise of feminism. Name changing is a valid debate in feminism, but men can sit back and watch the debate from the bleachers. Quietly.

Yes, I regret changing my name. Tbh I regret getting married. Not because I don’t love my DH anymore, but because it’s an outdated patriarchal institution.
At the time I was a feminist, but also had romantic ideas about things I suppose. It doesn’t really matter that much. Except I am one of those little drops.

He was rude

Yes I agree. I doubt he had any genuine motive for questioning this. However defending this as a choice is depressing.

If it were fully discussed and the best options for both parties were taken into account one might expect 1/4 changing to the man's name;1/4 to the woman's; 1/4 double- barrelling and 1/4 no change.

All these awful surnames (which oddly only women ever seem to have) would disappear in a generation.

He said he thought he was "a better feminist" than me

Ladies and gentlemen, behold: the 'feminist' man in his natural environment.

(Women changing names on marriage is a patriarchal tradition and the language of 'choice' around it conveniently obscures the fact that it's almost always the woman making that choice. But as with high heels or full-time work, feminism is not a matter of making the right kinds of consumer choices, you don't 'fail' as a feminist by changing your name any more than you'll achieve feminism's goals by not doing. Also I bet your colleague hasn't changed or planned to change his name to a woman's.)

Don’t you just love it when a man tells you he’s a better feminist than you because you didn’t do what he thinks you should’ve done…
Absolutely nothing about his perceived privilege revealed in that action at all there.

He was rude.
but I'm with Lass, feminism is not about all women's choices being equal. The practice of women changin their names is clearly rooted in patriarchy and denotes who 'owns' us. I grant that we mostly have our fathers' surnames, but my surname is at least the one I have grown up with and acheived evrythin I have acheived with, it feels like mine. Why would I change it to DPs?
Call yourself what you like, wear what you like, do or don't shave but when you make a choice that jars against patriarchal norms it's another little drop of water to wear away the rock. Up to you whether you want to be that little drop of water, but be aware you have the choice because of the women who did.

There is of course the argument put forward that the family should all have the same name. How does that work if you have children, then divorce and re-marry? Are the children supposed to change their names to their step-father's?

My mother married twice and divorced twice and never changed her name. My brother and I both have her surname.

Your colleague sounds like a nosey git looking for a row

I'd have asked him if he thought I was a plant.

LassWiADelicateAir I agree, there’s is a lot of traditional assumption that the women will be the one to change, but that doesn’t mean that’s always the case. There does need to be more openness from everyone to different options. We could have decided to take mine, or double barrel, or neither change. But the option that works best for me for all the reasons I have taken into account in the lengthy period it’s taken me to decide, is to take his.

LassWiADelicateAir why do you assume that him changing his name wasn’t part of the conversations we’ve had?

Why do these conversations in 99.99% of cases still end up with the women being the one to change her surname?

Ffs! I give up! I clearly can’t string a coherent sentence together so I’ll get my coat 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m changing mine when I get married. DP didn’t assume I would, and wouldn’t care if I didn’t. But I have DSD, who has asked me if we can all have the same name. Her mother has a different name to her, and her three sisters have a different name again. Which is fine. But she was very excited for me, her & her father to be the same. And honestly, the whole thing doesn’t other me that much, so why wouldn’t I do I to make her happy?

Oh and as a mixed race woman, my F has a 'slave name' so it would have been the same of a white plantation owner originally - I have asked people to explain how that is a feminist choice which can be pleasingly awkward....

That is dead easy. If you don't like your family name there is nothing stopping you at any point in your life as an adult changing it to one you do like. There was no need to wait until you were married.

Sorry that should have said it’s changing mans name...

After I’d finished laughing at him I would remind him that
A) my name and where it originated from is none of his business
B) Feminsim is not a competition
C) feminism has no entry exam, its ok to have different opinions and still be a feminist.

Then I would dismiss him as either a wind up merchant or a bit simple tbh.

LassWiADelicateAir why do you assume that him changing his name wasn’t part of the conversations we’ve had? My DSis is marrying next year, her fiancé is taking her name. Friends have double barrelled, not changed. All options were open to us, we’ve decided me changing mine to his is the right option for us. There are many reasons why, if you need me to list them I can?

It’s changing a name for another so what difference does it make if you do or don’t?

I dont understand flibbertys point. Doesnt your birth cert say that you are female or male? Name is irrelevant. Also nobody is asking people to show their birth certs to use facilities although I guess if men keep trying to get into them, it may. come to that.
OPs colleague just sounds like an argumentative wally as even if she hadnt changed her name it was no doubt still her fathers surname not her mothers.

I find the almost universal acceptance of changing one's name depressing. I find it very odd that so many women say on here they think deeply about it and come to the choice which is right for them- yet that choice requires a relinquishment from women not expected from men.

I think hanging on to this convention is a major obstacle in equality.

Rather!!!

It’s really none of his business.