Male colleague - views on changing name

As I've said on another thread, obviously every woman has the right to do what she wants, but there is simply no getting around the fact that taking a man's name on marriage is an anti-feminist act. That doesn't mean that a woman making this 'choice' is not a feminist in other spheres of her life, just that this particular choice is not feminist.

Ask yourself how many men would be prepared to abandon their name and family heritage in favour of their wife's. Ask yourself how many men 'don't like their surname' or 'have a name which is difficult to spell' and therefore take their wife's instead. The answer is virtually none. And as for the 'we wanted to have a single family name' response, fair enough. But that could be achieved just as well by the entire family taking the woman's name.

But hardly any man would agree to that, no matter how right-on or 'feminist' he may be. That's because no man will give up his family heritage in favour of someone else. That's women's role.

Personally I have a horrible suspicion that getting rid of the legal structures of marriage would still just leave women as a cohort holding the babies and doing the disproportionate amount of caring and housework that we do now, but without any of the (imperfect but more than zero) legal protections. But then I'm cynical, me.

Why is avoiding marriage preferable? It’s (now) just a legal structure that does not inherently advantage either sex. Of course, the way marriage is enacted socially is often far from equal, but this is true of all relationships whether or not they involve a legal contract. How would getting rid of the legal structures of marriage actually help?

There is of course the argument put forward that the family should all have the same name. How does that work if you have children, then divorce and re-marry? Are the children supposed to change their names to their step-father's?

My mother married twice and divorced twice and never changed her name. My brother and I both have her surname.

^ Personally I would not remarry in this situation. For me, marriage is only once.

Fundamentally as a human being the OP has the right to be called whatever she likes without having her political credentials challenged

I agree. It shouldn't need to be defended at all.

Top ten snappy comebacks for nosy people

ishouldhavesaid.net/2013/09/top-ten-comebacks-for-nosy-people/

Hey, I found your nose, it’s in my business again!

Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.

Oh I didn’t tell you. It must have been none of your business then.

My life, my mistakes, my choices. Not your business!

My business isn’t your business. Unless you’re my thong, don’t be up my ass.

If you are going to have opinions about my life than I can assume you will be paying some of my bills.

Oh, I didn’t realize you were an expert on my life. Continue while I take notes.

It’s better to have your nose in a book than someone else’s business.
It’s an odd thing how some people have to be all up in your business, kind of like a wedgie. Now that’s some bad crack.

Mind your own problems before you talk about mine.

Aw thanks absolutely you’re too kind!

I do think we’ve missed the point by arguing about the rights and wrongs. Fundamentally as a human being the OP has the right to be called whatever she likes without having her political credentials challenged.

Unless presumably she changes her name to Nicholas Cameron Gove-Johnson.

I have noticed a trend in society where people are always in other people's business where it doesn't affect their lives in any way whatsoever.

Even at work amongst near-strangers you get asked all sorts of intrusive questions. It's usually a lead-up (as in your case) to them wanting to start arguing with you about your views.

I agree with you OP, but you need to think of a way of stonewalling these questions before they gain momentum. Unless you want to give idiots like your colleague airtime.

@AppleKatie's post is good IMO.

I agree with Cards, and everytime this comes up in AIBU there are loads of women (I am one of them) who have to put up with the annoyance of relatives refusing to use my correct name and being told it's a minor matter not worth fussing over.
The fact that many people don't seem to be able to compute something (my name) not changing suggests they are invested in it changing

Cards
I'm sorry you had to put up with that.
Unfortunately I think in many cases it is still 'high cost' for many people, and that's why many women don't do it.

The 'his name was more common/less common/sounded better/it's my father's name anyway' etc. tend to be justifications for what in the majority of cases is people going along with the easier option that brings less resistance, of the type that you experienced.

That in and of itself indicates that there is something meaningful at stake.

I think it's an excellent analogy too.
But for what it's worth, my own experience of keeping my name wasn't low cost, at least in the sense that there was significant family resistance that required me to give my reasons repeatedly. It was decades ago, and a particularly traditional family, so maybe my experience was unusual then and might be extremely unusual now. I hope so.

I agree with the last two posts. And with the not being able to contribute every time the tin comes round is an excellent analogy. Followinv that analogy, I think some contributions cost very little or nothing and not changing your name is one of those. If enough women did it then it would make a difference.

I think that's the choice which makes a contribution - no matter how small - to the feminist cause.

I agree, and that was one reason that I did not take my husband's name when I got married 30 plus years ago.

The other reason is that I really like my name. It had been mine for more than 30 years when I married and the notion of changing it just seemed really odd to me.

I certainly think it's preferable to not take one's husband's name. I think that's the choice which makes a contribution - no matter how small - to the feminist cause.

Personally I won't deride anyone for not doing it; we can't all contribute every time the collection tin comes round. I don't really see it as undermining; women didn't build the structure of their own oppression. We didn't make the church roof crumble in, and sometimes (as individuals) we might feel we have the means to put a few pennies towards its rebuilding, and sometimes our pockets are empty.

Saying that, we do all know that we need to put our hands in our pockets for feminism as much as we possibly can if we want to achieve some small part of our aims, and sometimes that isn't going to be comfortable. But at the end of the day who am I to say if someone else can afford it?

Interesting discussion, has made me think.

I took my first husband’s name because I didn’t think not doing was really an option; I didn’t know anyone who had and both families quite traditional and would’ve kicked off.

I didn’t want to go back to my maiden name post divorce; it had a few bad associations for me. I did think about deed polling myself a new name of my choice, but couldn’t think of anything I liked enough.

Took second husband’s name too; I like his name much better, it’s a bit more unusual and (now I’m tentatively setting up my own business) it should help people find me online etc.

I guess it isn’t a particularly feminist choice, but I very much consider it my name and mine by my choice. If he’d had a name I didn’t like or didn’t go well with my first name, i’d have decided we were fundamentally incompatible and found another bf/gf not taken his name.

OP, your colleague sounds like a bit of an arse and certainly not a feminist.

Having said that, I don't regard taking your husband's name as a feminist choice as such. If it were truly about the family unit, surely we should be looking at a roughly 50/50 split in terms of who takes whose name - or at couples choosing an entirely new one upon marriage.

That's okay - we all make non-feminist choices all the time. It doesn't negate who we are. (I'm typing this on my way to a meeting wearing very high heels because they look good ...)

In all fairness: I secretly plan to estrange my colleague from his wife, marry him and take his surname. She can have him back after I divorce him; I just want the name, which is gorgeous and would go very well with my first name.

"I am a feminist and plan to take my DPs name."

Is it OK to ask why?

I took DH’s name when I got married and I actually really regret it. I’m a feminist and I do think I shouldn’t have. It’s nice that DG, DS, and I all have the same name but this isn’t how I would have achieved that if I had my time again,

Reminds me of all the lefty men on social media that think they're so fucking woke when they tell women how enlightened they are, especially when they support the sex industry.
'

Sailinghappy 'He said he thought he was "a better feminist" than me and that taking my husband's name is sexist.'

He's a bloke, not a feminist and I would laugh back in his face.

I also took my husband's name and am very happy with it.

Totally agree with BlackAmericanoNoSugar 'I don't think the name thing is the issue at all tbh. The male colleague couldn't give a toss about her name, he was just looking for something that he could use to bully her.'

and

Branleuse 'he's trying to trip you up. Don't even engage'

And also, OP - your male colleague is an arsehole, if he said that.

Keep a diary of his bullying comments, just in case. He obviously feels threatened by you, professionally, so he seeks to sap your confidence and focus.

I find naming traditions very interesting. My friends from Quebec all keep their own names on marriage, but their children take their father’s names, leaving the mother the only one in the family with a different name. I don’t know the rationale as to why the children take the father’s name. They just do.
I like the literality of some of the Icelandic cultures ‘x’s daughter’ ‘x’s son’.
Naming is fascinating.

I took my husband's surname because his surname is a lot less commonplace than my father's surname. Before I married, I knew, personally, at least three other people with exactly the same name as me. Taking on my husband's surname meant I'm the only one on google with my name.

I did have a think about it, before committing - the implications - and I made my own choice. Thirty-odd years later, I still think that my decision to change my name was correct, for me. Your Own Mileage May Vary!