Help me to frame my responses to Male White Privilege

@Lichtie You are either very very young or a man if you don't understand this. Please stop belittling women's experiences. Please stop excusing the arseholes and claiming that their victims just "misunderstood". Or do you prefer the term "banter"?

I like summers’ ideas. I have a lot to learn but I did recently manage my first
“I am not going to answer that question”
and a
“That is the choice I have made”

Summers, do you have any resources y ou can point me to? I didn’t get great models from my parents and definitely feel held back.
In all seriousness the nearest I have to a mentor is Lizzie Bennett from Prode and Prejudice.

My tips, FWIW.

1. Stay calm, re-iterate your point ("we do it this way because..."), use the active tense.
2. Get support from passing colleague or friend if possible
3. End the discussion assertively, "I am going to leave it there, I have explained, now I must go and do x"
4. For the battery example, just get on and do what you know you are capable of.

It stinks. I am so sick of it, of having to be the adult in the room on every bloody occasion.

I wasn't there but I'm pretty blunt as I get older and my hair turns silver. I've dealt with white male supremacy for almost 50 yrs.

I would've had the guys car towed or cited for breaking the law. I'm a disabled woman so you can kinda see I'd be extra angry at some dude taking up space, like many white men do because they think they're entitled to it.

In the second example I would've told the guy he's an idiot and dismiss him, which is exactly what he did to you and you were the instructor!

Example... we bought the car we did partially because of the difference in service. In every other showroom, men spoke to DH, who knows absolutely nothing about cars and makes ZERO impression that he does. He looks blank and talks about paint colours while I talk about suspension and turbos. The showroom from which we bought did a good job (NAMALT) but every other one did a terrible job, deferring to DH, showing DH the specs, trying to get him in the driving seat, while he said things like, "she's the one you need to convince, mate".

All things being equal it would have been glaringly obvious who to talk to. But sexism means most of them spoke to DH. There is no other possible explanation because DH isn't hiding his total lack of knowledge, interest and investment. He told them to talk to me, but even then, most of them still didn't. He didn't even test drive most of the cars, because if I don't like it, there's no point. But they kept handing him the keys.

I'm sure the photographer is telling a different story to himself, never mind others. But if it quacks and waddles it's probably a duck. It could be a confused chicken, I suppose...

I have had this happen recently with a Chinese-heritage man so it's not just white men. He and his wife asked for advice and I spent ages explaining it to him. About half the time was the requisite 'convince the man you know what you are taking about' phase of the conversation. Bearing in mind I teach people how to teach this, and speak at conferences. He kept saying, 'but my male lawyer says'. I finally sent him a few links that proved his lawyer was wrong. I finally told his wife I wouldn't be helping them any more if he needed convincing. He took my advice, the situation resolved and I am still waiting for a thank you from him.

I am listening Assassinatedbeauty. I asked the OP a reasonable question, she hasn't answered.
I'm sure the photographers story that he is telling people is different to the OPs, does that mean his version is even more reliable? All I asked was what made her believe it was because she was a woman and not just him being an ass.

You're not listening @Lichtie. The woman who was there experiencing it is in the best position to judge whether this man was treating her differently that he would a man. No one is suggesting that every time someone is an arse it's because of their sex or race.

DPotter. I nowhere suggested it wasn't a thing or it doesn't happen. It's the labelling of every instance of it as something to do with white male privilege where there is no reason to believe the arsehole who wouldn't move his car would have done so for a man. If it was a black female photographer who had done the same thing how would you label that?
I'm off to grow a penis 😋

Lichtie
Thinking over the real headliner instances where this has happened to me, I can't remember one where the man concerned wasn't white. Now I am prepared to accept this may be a statistical anomaly. I have had men of colour be downright aggressive to me, but never this patronising, male privilege. And yes they do tend to be of a certain age - late middle age.

I have also seen at least one of these men behave in a totally different way when a man associated with me turns up. Think in terms of my male partner getting out of the car when such a man is exerting his male privilege over a perceiving motoring infringement with a woman he thought was alone in the car. It was almost funny - he took one look at my DP (not a tall or threatening chap) and muttered "er - sorry mate" and drove off.

So yes - it is most definitely a thing. If you haven't directly experienced it yourself, then I think you're fortunate, but that doesn't mean to say it doesn't happen. Or maybe you're male......?

"I realise that I am a women but if you can just imagine for one moment that I am a man and hear what I have to say again."

I resorted to that once. It didn’t work. Therefore I’d like to join the hunt for better answers

Presumably because she was there and experienced it.

@DPotter @MrsTerryPratchett

I was asking the OP the question. I genuinely can't see why she gets to the assumption that it is because she is a woman and that they are not just assholes who would do the same with men.
And the fact they are white doesn't seem that relevant either. As another poster said.. White men don't have a monopoly on being assholes.. Plenty of non white and women are assholes too.

The dance guy, why don't you have them dance and then tell the class "doing it like that is counterproductive because...this is how one can improve". Would serve him right for looking like an idiot.

both those instances have nothing to do with race and any attempt to bring race into it are pathetic, white people and white men don't have a monopoly on acting like arseholes

@Lichtie the man I'm thinking about is blatant. He talks to the other men more than the women and with more respect. Always. It's really obvious. And it's happened a lot.

That's not to say all men are like this at all. But there are some men who will have to be convinced I know what I'm talking about. Even when I'm an expert in the field.

Lichtie

It's not just the words used, it's the infantalising, patronising tone of address as well. I have never in 57 years seen men address other men in this fashion. If one man fancies himself the alpha, they have a different way of addressing men they see as inferior or their junior. Frankly if a man had been addressed in the way some men have addressed me over the years, fists would have come into play.

Give you an example...
My car kept cutting out; I'd be driving along and suddenly no power.

Took care into garage, described symptoms to chap on service desk, who said and this is a direct quote "Does Madam know how to start a stalled car?" in a very patronising tone. My reply was to the effect - Madam does. Now get me someone who will listen to what I have to say. Do you really think one man would say something like that in that tone to a customer, a paying customer. Makes me seethe even now, some 20 years later.

I've been in classes with male instructors and never seen men behave that way.

What makes you think their response was because you were a woman and they wouldn't have done the same with a man?

"I realise that I am a women but if you can just imagine for one moment that I am a man and hear what I have to say again." Not sure I would have the courage to say that but if really annoyed...

Not 100% relevant but this post reminded me of when I was a new legal secretary and got knocked back for a job because the man was looking for a "senior girl". Wish to this day that I'd told him "senior girl" is an oxymoron.

I think it is my age that causes me not to care enough about these men to try to help them be better people.
I used to teach unarmed defensive tactics at the Law Enforcement Academy and from time to time a man like this would be in the class.
If they refuse to learn we had a meeting with them and if they still refused to learn we dropped them from the class.
You cannot force people to learn, nor are there any magic words that will cause them to.

Doesn't it just drive you to distraction sometimes?!
I haven't yet come up with the definitive response, so interested to hear the experience of others.