Your Teenage Child tells you they think they are Transgender

In comparison to other parts of MN it does feel hostile here to me - that is simply the truth, no accusation.

If you posted a thread in FWR asking for support about something challenging you had experienced as a woman you would be likely to get that support.

But many threads are debate style threads because not everyone agrees. It may seem hostile because regular posters are constantly dealing with ploppers, sea lions and trolls and they get tired of it.

As said, many topics can seem hostile to others. Including the pet ones etc.

There is no reason any of us would write anything in this forum if we did not intend or believe it would get "traction". We are people talking together. Duh.

Duh right back. We are people talking together indeed. Why that would mean everything we say has to have some agenda, I do not know.

Sometimes we are disappointed by the response. Your remarks were the sort that are often responded to differently from what is expected. Just as it was here.

You seem to 'know' that I expected a particular response to certain parts of my posts and was disappointed. Neither is true. The parts you quoted were mostly in direct reply to a direct question. My intent/hope was to answer the question. The person who asked the question appears to have been satisfied with the answer, insofar as they understood something they hadn't precisly known before. It didn't change their mind. I wasn't hoping to change their mind. As I pointed out in my response to them, I agree with their point, actually. So I am perfectly satisfied with the response, I couldn't have hoped for better if I had written it with any intention of the kind. So shove your pre-judging misconceptions elsewhere please.

I think that answers your question, though I dare say you have been on AIBU long enough not to have needed to ask.

If you had cared to check, rather than flinging about assumptions, you would have seen that I have a posting history but not in AIBU (I guess I must have posted in AIBU a couple of times over the many, many years I have been here, but it is definitely not my hang out). Precisely because of the point-scoring nature it often has. The places I do post tend to be supportive, sharing experiences and knowledge, sharing insights and advice. And a few very interesting threads where I have learned a lot, from posters pointing out where I was making wrong assumptions - e.g. regarding approaches to teaching maths. That kind of thing.

I try to keep away from point-scoring; that's not what I'm here for.
I believe we are not in AIBU here. I didn't realise that AIBU style 'conversation' was asked for/expected here. In comparison to other parts of MN it does feel hostile here to me - that is simply the truth, no accusation.

We have been under attack here at FWR for weeks, so it is a bit disingenuous to accuse us of being hostile.

I understand that it is horrible to be under attack like that. May I just point out that if 'you' (the 'we' you refer to above) respond to these attacks by suspecting anyone and everyone of being a TRA in disguise, they have achieved their goals. Divide, sow mistrust, destroy the (last?) space where people can openly and constructively talk about these things and learn from each other.

I don't know what the answer is to the attacks. But I do sincerely hope that MN can come through this without losing its culture of open, constructive debate and support. Because then 'we' all lose.

This reply isn't for the OP and I shouldn't really be feeding trolls.

Not a teenager but relevant anyway...

5 years ago my Son told me he was gay but has not had a gay relationship as far as I know

12 months ago he told me he was transgender but again no relationship.

3 months ago he started a relationship with a woman - a real one.

As of today he is very much a male.

I think there are still a few twists in the road ahead but to get to my point. Apart from being supportive DW and I are playing a wait and see game. What else can you do with his orientation changing so frequently?

Spartacus the Dad

My comment on the first page comparing delusional disorders was removed.
I do think it bizarre that mods tell the person reporting why they removed the reported post but do not tell the offender how what they said violated the talk guidelines, nor even that the post was deleted.
I would not have known that I violated the talk guidelines were it not for someone on the thread saying the post was removed.
@MNHQ

What even makes you think that what I wrote was with the intent, or belief, that it would get any 'traction'?

There is no reason any of us would write anything in this forum if we did not intend or believe it would get "traction". We are people talking together. Duh.
Sometimes we are disappointed by the response. Your remarks were the sort that are often responded to differently from what is expected. Just as it was here.
We have been under attack here at FWR for weeks, so it is a bit disingenuous to accuse us of being hostile.

I think that answers your question, though I dare say you have been on AIBU long enough not to have needed to ask.

If my hypothetical teenage child suggested they were transgender, I would come to Mumsnet for the sympathy, support and kindness that I know would be forthcoming. There are parents on here with children struggling with gender dysphoria and there are transgender posters as well. I would seek their advice. My biggest worry would be my child ending up in the clutches of Mermaids which would make getting medical help very nerve wracking. Ultimately, whatever my children say or do they will have my unconditional love and I would do whatever seemed best for them, like the vast majority of us would. People with terrible views like LittleGreySheep are thankfully few and far between, I hope.

Truth - you have articulated the heart of the matter. Transitioning often involves irreversible physical changes based on flimsy medical evidence of efficacy and long term safety. It is not a benign path being followed, and any parent surely would want their child to avoid that medical intervention if at all possible. That is not transphobic nor is it unsupportive. All the best to you.

claraschu
My posts were not an attempt to shut down responses. They were written one after the other as a result of my own thought processes. I said something and then wanted to say something else. If you noted I did say I was on a rant. Whilst I hate that word, it should have been clear that I was attempting to express my views albeit the stream of consciousness was maybe not the most prudent. I was not seeking validation. I was simply saying that the question being put hypothetically is unfair as it will be difficult for any critical parent who is actually going through this and who disagrees with the transgender ideology to have a voice that is not seen as transphobic. Until we are in this situation, like I am, it is impossible to really know. We can conjecture as much as possible but I think it is important to acknowledge the destruction this brings to the family. Drugs and surgery are serious. So my question is this. Would it be OK if your teen said I want to cut of my balls and invert my penis to make a neo vaginas that I will have to dilate daily? Would it be OK if your child said I want drugs, that will grow me breasts? Would it be OK if I forget I existed and reinvent myself?
I would say no to all of this and recognise my child is in mental pain but no therapist will explore these feelings. They now must affirm.
The question
What would you say if your child said they were transgender should also have acknowledged the drugs and surgery. The response may have been different. The original poster made it seem benign. It most definitely is not.

They're quite pleased with themselves, in their echo chamber where they've blocked all moderate or alternative views not a cult

I assume a TRA generated this thread to provoke some awful things being said. They must be disappointed.

crawling very appropriate

If you see "transphobia" you can't see the homophobia.
If you think gender supercedes sex, then you are denying the same sex orientation of homosexuals.

Yes totally. These people don't see that they are indulging, in their wokeness, in the worst kind of coercive homophobic conversion therapy.

"Homophobia, transphobia - two sides of the same coin."

Actually, this is true.
Because when one side is exposed, the other is hidden.

If you see "transphobia" you can't see the homophobia.
If you think gender supercedes sex, then you are denying the same sex orientation of homosexuals.

The whole concept of gender is homophobic. Sex exists. Sexual attraction is part of acknowleding the reality of biological sex. Gender doesn't exist. I've made my peace with the idea that I will be hated for refusing to go along with girlbrain/boybrain. So be it. Truth is 'transphobic'.

Not that there aren't some men here obviously

I do believe transphobia (the real transphobia) is an extension of homophobia - basically the same thing - and littlegreysheep has demonstrated that here. We don't often see it here as it is much more common in men than women in my opinion. Littlegreysheep I do think you might need some counselling if you really feel so ready to reject your child when they turn 18.

"Unfortunately my general feeling is that gender stereotypes are becoming stronger and more prescriptive, and toxic masculinity more pervasive, rather than less."
So true and this is actively contributing to GID.

Oh give over. I highly doubt your claim about radical feminism. You all give yourselves away when you use the word transphobia. Most of the actually prejudiced posts on MN are planted by TRA, and then reported and deleted.

They are crawling this thread, just a headsup.

thebewilderness
brilliotic
I don't think telling women that being judged every day in every way was too much for your sibling is going to get the traction on a forum full of women that you think it should.

And pray tell, what do you think that I think it should get? What even makes you think that what I wrote was with the intent, or belief, that it would get any 'traction'?

Suspicion and hostility rises high here, everybody is assumed to have an agenda, be on a 'side'.
I was sharing an experience and explaining from that experience my answer to the OPs question - how would you react if your teenage child said they were trans.
Somebody asked my how a GRC would have helped my sister. I answered.

I don’t like the GRA because although it solves a problem for individuals (& thank you for explaining that, I can see how it helps your sibling) it feels like it’s just hiding away the issue rather than protecting gender non conforming people or doing anything to help change attitudes.

I agree with that. It doesn't solve the issue, it addresses/alleviates some symptoms for some people; all the while creating new issues for those same people, and for others too. I would have preferred if that alleviating of symptoms could have been achieved without my sister having to undergo surgery first (I do see problems with self-declaration too - not blindly advocating for it), but even more I would have preferred if the root causes could be addressed.

Unfortunately my general feeling is that gender stereotypes are becoming stronger and more prescriptive, and toxic masculinity more pervasive, rather than less.

I agree that the context is very different now than it was 20 years ago when my sister first voiced her belief that she was trans.

I did not reflect on that when I described in my earlier post how my experiences with my sister would influence my reactions to one of my children declaring that they were trans, here and now. In truth, I do not know how I would react. The cultishness, social contagion issues, and forgone conclusion that the issue needs to be addressed by changing bodies (hormones, surgery) truly scares me.

I am sorry that you, TruthWillIn, perceived my post as judgement on anyone who would do, or does do things differently. It was not meant as such. It was meant purely as a description of my own experience, and my experiences do not reflect on anyone else and their choices, are no judgement.
I can empathise that descriptions of how someone else did/does things can feel judgemental, especially when you are in the middle of it yourself. This happens to me too. It can be very hard to remind myself that not everything other people do, or think they would do, is a reflection on/judgement of me and my choices.
I am truly sorry. All I can say is I was writing about myself and my sister, in a different time and context, and honestly not judging you or anyone else in this situation; which, as many have pointed out, is a different situation now than it was 20 years ago anyway.

My dd did. Thank god it was 15 years ago and before this cultic stuff started and before social media took off. She called herself by a male name, her friends also called her that name. It lasted a year maybe - I forget because it was not a huge milestone in our lives, we treated it as a phase, we still called her by her female name and made it clear that she could do all the things she saw the boys doing and still be a girl. She now says (late 20's) that the boys just seemed to be having more fun.

She had a feminist mother and a father who was on board with that - no one at home forcing her into a gender box, so she went through that phase, as so many children did.

If I was dealing with it now I'd be tempted to up sticks and set up camp on a remote island with no access to social media ....

I'd see it as a mental illness, similar to anorexia, that is encouraged by social contagion. I'd do my best to help my child get past it. If they couldn't, I'd have to accept it and maybe if they settled into that life it would eventually stop seeming like a tragedy.

I think that trans identity is different to being gay. A strong feeling that you're actually the opposite sex, and that you need significant surgery and lifelong medical treatment to support that feeling, is obviously an illness.

exLtEveDallas I think some boys are deeply upset by toxic masculinity, and feel confused enough to then think they are something other than simply male. I think this can happen even if they have been brought up in a very gender critical family.

I remember when eldest told me he was gay. It did not make me fear for his mental health. Nor was I concerned he would start taking drugs with very serious side effects to be his "authentic" self.
We talked about how he was coming to terms with the isolating aspects of being Gay in this hypersexualized culture that we are constantly bombarded with.
Had one of the children or grandchildren brought up the idea of being transgender I would have been deeply concerned. Not just because body dysphoria can be such a preoccupation for teens that they become obsessed with the minutia of every inch of their body.

I am be deeply concerned about the cult aspect of what is being promoted in the entertainment media ,and even in the schools where they celebrate children who transition as very special children that all the other children must be very careful not to distress in any way because they are not like the other ordinary children. They are special. And what child does not want to be special?