Your Teenage Child tells you they think they are Transgender

Thanks SarahCarer that’s clear and I completely agree with you. I don’t believe a feeling of being “trans” is innate at all. If there were no gender stereotypes or homophobia, I don’t think there would be any need for anyone to identify as trans.

Truthwillin I am sorry I must be the person who made you feel like you were being accused of bullying. I felt people were piling on and misunderstanding a couple of heartfelt posts by brilliotic (and a couple of others) and just wanted to assure her that not everyone was jumping to the same conclusions.

I find it troubling that hormones and surgery seem to be becoming ever more the 'self-evident' path to pursue.

For children and women. They are certainly being pushed into medicalisation. But middle aged men are pursuing demedicalisation as fast as their nails dry.

The non conforming stuff is of old. We, the older people here, understood it. The trans nonsense doesn't. So yes, I would be fearful off bringing my child into these new rules. We have gone backwards and reinforced stereotypes. Sadly our non conforming kids no longer can be just that. They have to be the opposite sex. How is this progressive?

The rest of your word salad was based on either misunderstanding or dishonesty. Still I do want to thank you for being the kazillionth person to come to the FWR and tell us we are Feminisming wrong and need to be nice like the other girls are.

Ok, I get it, message arrived. You are not able or not willing to read what I write as anything except word salad, misunderstanding or dishonesty. So there is no point really in me saying anything else to you, there is no chance you will take it at face value anyway.

For the record (if anyone else is reading) I believe I wrote that I do not know how best to react to attacks, and recognise that it is hard to keep an honest and open debate going in such circumstances. Also that I feel that if the possibility of honest and open debate gets lost, we all lose.

(On the other hand, I feel there has been much that has been good on this thread here.)

If you want to construe that as me lecturing 'you' on how to do feminism, so be it. It is not my intent (I didn't think I was commenting on how anyone is doing feminism); but I cannot change your perception.

I guess I don't qualify as part of the 'we'. I am not sure why not.

Perhaps if I legitimised myself more? Do I have to explain that I have two children, a boy and a girl, for both of whose futures I am greatly concerned in this world of ever more rigid gender stereotypes? Or that one of them grew in my womb and fed from my breasts, to demonstrate that I am not a man pretending to be something else? Or to offset that I have a trans sibling, a reality I have lived with for over 20 years now; it seems to cast me under suspicion of being more concerned for men's rights than for my own or my children's. Unfortunately my posting history does not go back to when I was dealing with miscarriages and breastfeeding issues, as my other child's safety requires me to avoid becoming too identifiable (therefore I periodically namechange). So you will just have to take my word for it. Or not, as you wish.

My main point in this thread (in answer to the OP) is that I think that if my child should tell me they were trans, I should hope I was able to pursue a path with them that sounds a bit like what SarahCarer did/is doing with her DC. Try to find a gender non-conforming way to live rather than going for hormones/surgery. But in actual fact, with the cult-like stuff going on, I'm rather scared that that would not be enough.

So true. This is the most dangerous aspect of trans. Those who are truly distressed, and this is a minority, are being called out because the transtrenders are making most of us reject the fact that they are truly distressed. It is harming them. When I talk about trans I do so in the modern activism. Those who suffer greatly from this, the transexuals, as we used to know it, are transexuals who had to grapple long and hard with it. Now, a child/teen only has to say it the once and every one is in agreement. no exploration
of alternative reasons required. No questioning at all. Our teens are teens who rightly question the status quo but now they can't even do this without the trans train taking them on a one way ticket. The trans ideoly knows that teens are vulnerable and they play it to there advantage. They are recruiters of vulnerable teens. My child is vulnerable. I know this and this is why he has got caught up in it. He is of an age where he naturally rebels against his parents. Trans activists play on this but they lurk, like paedophiles waiting to swoop on the vulnerable

Surgery was the only way to get her papers (bus pass, driving licence, bank papers, passport, ...) in line with the life she was living, the only way that allowed her to 'just live'.

How on earth is this? Surgery is not a requirement for any of those things, nor should it be..that would be barbaric.

The question is not so much 'how on earth' but 'where and when is this' (answer: not very long ago, not very far away) and yes, it was barbaric.

I am glad it is not so here and now. Too late for my sister, unfortunately.

I find it troubling that hormones and surgery seem to be becoming ever more the 'self-evident' path to pursue. Rather than exploring radical non-conformity, as SarahCarer describes.

Sallyannemum
I am serial posting again. I'm too old to care what others think of this.
I don't know if your child is male or female as in natal male/female. Even having to say natal makes me mad. Our kids are either male or female. Anything else is contrived. I can say this because I'm living it. This is my opinion.
As a female with a trans identifying female I just want to explain my position.
I am a female/woman.
I believe in female spaces.
I believe no female, especially children should share any private space with a man.
Now, how do I as a female support my son who wants to be a female and marry my right as a female to not be exposed to a penis? This is very difficult. I love my child but I would not want him to usurp female spaces. This is wrong. I would hate it if my child thought he was entitled to lesbian relationships and has a dick. Maybe your child is female and it doesn't have the same implications . For me, I cannot accept this. A man, should be nowhere near a female space. Makes me so mad, yet people are trying to tell me I have to accept this.

I agree with this. But and this is a big but, the trans Google am I trans no longer allows this. If it was a simple case of teen trend it would not be an issue. Sadly, this is not the case. Our kids are told transition or die. I am not being melodramatic. The op stated they didn't even Google trans. What a load of bollocks. If you have a child who says this you will, if you are anyway decent as a parent, find out as much as you can. You would want to know where your child got the info and you would research as much as you possibly could. I am researching every day and every free hour. That's what a concerned parent should do.

A young person who presents as trans may or may not wish to change their body into that of the other sex and their views about their body may change. How they view themselves will be strongly affected by how others talk about their sex and what people expect of them. In other words, gender identity doesn't emerge in a vacuum. It is highly influenced by others.

But because it irks me that a poster thought this, I am throwing this one in for good luck.
I would rather be hung for a sheep than a lamb!

Oh dear. Still typos
Don't want to be accused of serial, bullying post again. This is a genuine newbie response.

@scotsheather It can mean that yes but for many children it is fluid ie their perception of the rightness or wrongness of their body is intrinsically linked with the stories informing their identity. Those stories are a kind of dialogue between their own thoughts and the thoughts, expectations and gendered understanding of those around them. A sense of dysphoria/ dysmorphia is, itself, common in puberty irrespective of gender and can itself trigger gender fears

Sorry, but this is really hard to understand! It doesn’t appear to make any sense at all. Could you explain it in simple terms please, thanks

Still new hear and mamj g huge typos. Hope you can work out my meaning. Not sure how to edit

The op was untruthful. They acted as if they too had a hypothetical child. Suddenly. They have been in this for 3 years and supportive if thus ideology that I personally cannot support. It was a big set up to try and prove we are all trans phobic. Little grey sheep I back you all the way. You are honest. I also think you might change your might if it hit you for real but you are right to acknowledge your belief should not be compromised either. This does not mean you don't love your child. An alternative analogy is would you suppirt your child if they were a rapist. Would you cover this up because you love them unconditionally? I hope I wouldn't. So let the people hear sit back thinking that unconditional love conquers all if that is what they believe. Unconditional love just means we will still love them but we do not have to support something we believe in. If my husband cheated on me, I would probably still love him. Do I have to accept it? Life experiences teach us that this is not the case.
Furthermore, the op set us all up. This is what irritates me. The op was affirming their child but wanted others to show a negative view. The op has been dealing with this for years and has the audacity to say they trusted their child could educate them as they googled the answer. To the op what type of patent are you who would actually trust Google. Your child needed you as a parent to say hold on let's think about this. I'm stopping now as I am so mad at a parent who isn't a oarent

@scotsheather It can mean that yes but for many children it is fluid ie their perception of the rightness or wrongness of their body is intrinsically linked with the stories informing their identity. Those stories are a kind of dialogue between their own thoughts and the thoughts, expectations and gendered understanding of those around them. A sense of dysphoria/ dysmorphia is, itself, common in puberty irrespective of gender and can itself trigger gender fears.

May I just point out that if 'you' (the 'we' you refer to above) respond to these attacks by suspecting anyone and everyone of being a TRA in disguise, they have achieved their goals.

We can't help but smell it when they rub our noses in it.
The rest of your word salad was based on either misunderstanding or dishonesty. Still I do want to thank you for being the kazillionth person to come to the FWR and tell us we are Feminisming wrong and need to be nice like the other girls are.

Genuinely curious, does transgender in teens mean one with a physical discomfort of their body (eg. wish they had a vagina instead of a willy, uncomfortable with menstrual cycles etc.) or is it preference for stereotypes of the opposite sex? The only transgenders I know personally are adults, male to female who have had all the operations. They're a sort of hybrid sex really, but I don't judge them. I only have daughters but the concept of a gendered brain is controversial. Maybe boys and girls brains do develop differently but perhaps due to society's different treatment of boys and girls.

Short answer to the question is I would love my child no matter what, but I feel uncomfortable allowing teens to have irreversable surgery and hormones.

I do see it as a cult.

I also am positive that if this stuf was going on when I was a teen, I would have wanted to be trans too. Such an easy solution isn't it..I hated puberty so much and would have done anything to not go through it. I would have grabbed blockers with both hands, told whatever lies I had to to get them. And, my life would have been totally fucked. I would not have my beautiful kids, I would be stuck in a female body with male traits due to testosterone, have a broken voice, with nothing I could do about it.

It seems these days tomboys are disappearing, when they were everywhere when I was young. Now its transboys. In my stepdaughters school, 3 of the people in her year say they are transboys. And one reckoned they were a transgirl..they have been suspended now because they were permitted to use the girls areas, half of the girls started using the staff room to change and stuff, and the 'transgirl' was just, basically, a total perv. Was a huge problem for ages, I posted about it all on here under another name, they had form for touching without consent and stuff, yet the teachers still saw fit to allow him into the girls changing rooms. Huge clusterfuck. Obviously not all transgirls will be like that, but there is no denying that it just makes it easier for people like this person.

Went on a bit longer than I planned to there. But yeah, so many aspects of transactivism remind me of a cult. If acknowledging that invalidates the rest of my post, so be it.

OnTheList you were doing so well. Reading as almost reasonable until you dropped the cult bomb, which will be read as transphobic.
There's been a few lovely responses here. As a young child in who back in the early 1970s expressed trans behaviours before trans was even a thing apparently and was basically coerced into conformity by incredulous and fearful working class parents, it's been pleasure to read some of the posters' open minded support and love on this thread.

Also, my last paragraph there..I don't mean ever trans kid will regret it. But there will be a lot who do.

Surgery was the only way to get her papers (bus pass, driving licence, bank papers, passport, ...) in line with the life she was living, the only way that allowed her to 'just live'.

How on earth is this? Surgery is not a requirement for any of those things, nor should it be..that would be barbaric.

It's reading stuff like this that makes people think that there is a hefty dose of transphobia swilling around these boards. And I say that as someone who is broadly (and increasingly) sympathetic with the radical feminist POV.

Yeah, the odd user being transphobic does make it seem the whole site and its millions of users are transphobic, you are right there. I genuinely do not get the view that because one person is a wanker, all others are too. Like, people say 'I used to be a feminist until I saw another feminist say all men should die' and stuff. One person is just one person.

Oh give over. I highly doubt your claim about radical feminism. You all give yourselves away when you use the word transphobia. Most of the actually prejudiced posts on MN are planted by TRA, and then reported and deleted.

Also agree with this. before MN was in the TRAs sights..there was maybe the odd one or two transphobic posts but they were clearly reported by users and were deleted quickly. Ever since TRAs turned their attentions to this site (after shock, horror, finding our we talk about more tyhan pushchairs!) the transphobic posts have increased a lot. I guess that the issue was that you cannot say MN is transphobic if there are next to no transphobic posts? Most normal people will not see calling a male person male as transphobia, so it has to go further than that. Its so transprent tbh.

As for the OP, I would pretty much ignore it and hope it was a phase tbh. However my children are very young, and know already that stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. Also I expect this cult like thing will have blown over by the time mine are old enough to get caught up in it, as sadly this generation of transkids will have grown up, realized whats been done to them, and maybe start suing.

@sallyannemum As others will no doubt have said, there are quite a few parents on here whose children have expressed a desire to trans. I am one of them and have shared my story a few times. A gender critical approach has helped my dd greatly. I do agree unconditional love first is a given and should go without saying. For me it has also involved joining my dd in gender non conformity (though not quite to the same extent) at her request and helping steer her towards radical self acceptance and rejection of femininity. I am eternally grateful to Mumsnet radfems for helping educate me about what gender really is which has in turn helped my dd reject it instead of swapping one straightjacket for another.

Im genuinely pleased that having their preferred 'gender' documented has brought them happiness op. There are some horrid opinions out there regarding trans identified people, but on the whole they are very extreme and most people don't think that way, most, ime, simply recognise that it's impossible to change sex and don't feel comfortable that someone can simply say "I am a man/woman" and it is so. Because it isn't, and never will be, as you know yourself you can't become a man/woman, you are what you are biologically. all that can be changed is how they present to the world. And that's absolutely fine. Or it should be.

I don't think love should be unconditional when your children are old enough to know right from wrong. Unrelated to your OP but I think if my children were abusive or causing harm to others I wouldn't want them in my life.

I've supported my children through all sorts of things and haven't had to sacrifice my beliefs to do so. They've made different choices, at times, than I would have made. They have known I'd have done some things differently.

I don't think challenging a societal phenomenon that seems to shore up sexist and homophobic ideas is inherently abusive. I'm just as sad about people like LittleGreySheep's responses as anyone else would be. But huge changes like this have to be explored. Individually and societally