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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

"I feel like a woman"

190 replies

pearsapplesbananas · 09/05/2018 07:01

I am a transgender woman. The following doesn't in any way pretend to be a universal account of all trans women's experiences and thoughts, just mine.

When I say "I feel like a woman" to somebody, what I mean is:

I wish I was born in a female body. I wish I had a female reproductive system, and that I could carry a child. Every time I look into the mirror, I want to smash my face against it. Every time I look at a "normal" family, my heart sinks, because I will likely never get to have that. Hormones make me feel less bad. Besides easing my physical dysphoria, they have also important psychological effects (like some women experience with their cycles). They are a tool that helps me deal with my… bad luck at birth.

But I'm slowly starting to empower myself. Coming out of this endless spiral of self-disgust and self-pity. I might be wrong but, from what I read, it seems like there is a discussion framed as a dichotomy: that giving me a decent chance to life is a direct attack on women's rights. Well, I wouldn't see how, and of course, I wouldn't want it to be.

As a consequence, both sides of the discussion attack each other. Often, with what I consider cruelty, inhumanity and viciousness, lacking the most basic empathy. It's as if we all left our humanity at home, for our families and loved ones, and were fighting as animals against each other.

I think both sides could benefit from working together, we have many things to teach one another and many fights in common. For example, better healthcare. I read a post on this forum, about the access to laser by women with PCOS. In all honesty, I don't think a single transgender woman would oppose this. In fact, it's something that I (and many others) would advocate for. Similarly, there are many other topics framed as dichotomies that would more likely be solved if they weren't.

The only people benefiting from all this is people who regard women and transgender people as lesser than.

OP posts:
AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 10:16

Well "Bitch" followed by a flounce is a reasoned argument sure to win anyone over!

Ereshkigal · 13/05/2018 10:13

But I may be feeling a bit tetchy this morning having had a slightly heated discussion last night with a friend who thinks that transwomen are women and I need to get with the programme. I remained polite, she spat "Bitch" in my face and flounced off.

Wow! Was it because you pierced her certainty and caused her cognitive dissonance I wonder, people can be aggressive when that happens. What do you think will happen with your friendship?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/05/2018 10:10

AAK That too is true.

I usually don't mind the hit and runs too much. They do spark a debate that is useful and they almost always go off on a really interesting tangent.

But I may be feeling a bit tetchy this morning having had a slightly heated discussion last night with a friend who thinks that transwomen are women and I need to get with the programme. I remained polite, she spat "Bitch" in my face and flounced off.

Most other people in the pub (we were watching Eurovision) were bemused but thought I had a point!

MargeH · 13/05/2018 10:05

@sengah

Ending child marriage in Africa:

www.girlsnotbrides.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Child-marriage-in-Africa-A-brief-by-Girls-Not-Brides.pdf

Status of women and girls in South Africa:

www.one.org/africa/policy/status-of-women-and-girls-in-south-africa/

No girl left behind:

Across Africa, 28 million girls between the ages of about 6 and 15 are not in school and many will never even set foot in a classroom.

gemreportunesco.wordpress.com/2015/03/06/no-girl-left-behind-education-in-africa/

But if you say it's all hunky-dory, I guess there's nothing to worry about.

Anyway, this is OT, so I won't be commenting further.

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 10:00

I dunno, I prefer the plopping to multiple 1000 word comments repeating the same "you're all mean, I'm more important" bollocks. Though I suppose those are illustrative for anyone new to the conversation.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/05/2018 09:50

Ye gods! Here we all are, talking to ourselves again!

Trying to help, trying to respond in a thoughtful manner and look!

The Plopping Bastard OP has down what they so often do... thrown down his wisdom, told us we are being mean to him and then just fucked off!

Come back pears We do want to talk with you... but you need to be honest enough to continue the dialogue. You can't be taken seriously if you just hit and run!

Sengah · 13/05/2018 09:38

Newsflash @MargeH Africa is not a country. Positing the operations of Boko Haram - one militant group operating in one part of one country in a vast continent is ridiculous to the point of parody. Africans on here, please don't find this poster's sweeping statement demeaning - it is too idiotic.

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 08:40

Pretty much. Hey, I tried, but when people tell me who they are I believe them.

LaSqrrl · 13/05/2018 08:38

I tried the let's have a cup of tea and talk route first. Didn't work.

Worked out like having the tea thrown in your face, didn't it AAK?
And now they are starting to act on the threats they have been issuing for years and years. The cup of tea and chat days are long gone.

AngryAttackKittens · 13/05/2018 08:00

I tried the let's have a cup of tea and talk route first. Didn't work.

ocelot41 · 13/05/2018 07:47

Thank you for posting OP. My ex is trans because of dysphoria too. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and genuinely want to ease their (preferred pronoun) pain and that of others like them.

At the same time, a small - unfortunately very very vocal- minority of transactivists are harming the cause of transpeople by, in effect advocating rape (women must have sex with me because I want them to, not because they want to aka the cotton ceiling) and trying to silence those who want (and need) to talk about biological issues or safe spaces (like refuges).

I see the sense in what you are saying - is it possible for you and others to confront those who are alienating, angering and frightening large numbers of women who should be your natural allies? Or is that too painful and difficult given everything else you have to deal with?

I ask because I have found it impossible to negotiate a shared common ground at women's and LGBT groups without being shouted down for being transphobic. Its driven me out of groups I have been committed to for years and I am not the only one. Us 'lets have a cup of tea and talk it through' types are just staying home because of the amount of vitriol we are getting.

MargeH · 13/05/2018 07:39

@MargeH why does life suck if you are a young girl growing up in Africa? What an ignorant comment.

The schoolgirls kidnapped by Boko Haram may beg to differ.

bluescreen · 13/05/2018 07:30

Offred
what I am saying is my abusive ex was abusive and the gatekeeping of sex segregation kept him out.

Exactly. It is a taboo. What we are witnessing is the destruction of a valuable taboo.

thebewilderness · 13/05/2018 03:28

Sengah
She appears to be referring to the conflict in Syria.

Sengah · 13/05/2018 02:21

@MargeH why does life suck if you are a young girl growing up in Africa? What an ignorant comment.

Ereshkigal · 13/05/2018 01:53

Ex was really angry about me fleeing to the toilet. It was an instinctive reaction of fear for me rather than a conscious choice. Even though it always enraged him he never went so far as to violate the space.

I know the feeling, and used to do it at home too (slight derail). It was a stupid toilet that had a lock on the outside too and once he locked me in there. That was fun. But yes, like your partner he wouldn't have entered the ladies himself.

Offred · 13/05/2018 01:42

I think because the narratives say what I am saying is “trans people are abusive” when what I am saying is my abusive ex was abusive and the gatekeeping of sex segregation kept him out. That when I think back across my life there have been numerous instances when I have, and I know other women I know have, sought refuge from men who were making us uncomfortable or harassing or abusing us in the toilets specifically because it was a place those men would not go.

Also because women losing that refuge does not seem to concern those people. I wonder if that is related to the idea many of them have that what I see as sexual harassment is seen by them as validation of their identity.

Ex was really angry about me fleeing to the toilet. It was an instinctive reaction of fear for me rather than a conscious choice. Even though it always enraged him he never went so far as to violate the space.

Both of those things taught me a lot about how precious it is.

How my instincts would have handled that fear without toilets I don’t know, maybe locking myself in the disabled loo but on a few occasions when fleeing I have had comfort in the ladies from other women who understood and when ex knew I had spoken to someone about his behaviour in the loo he would not be able to unleash fury about it then and there... he knew people were watching.

bluescreen · 12/05/2018 23:52

Offred, that’s appalling. What I don’t understand when I hear stories like yours is why people ignore them. Are they just not common enough? How many threatened women does it take? What is wrong with people that they just don’t get that women want somewhere safe from men or male-bodied people (whatever they are calling themselves, and however transphobic it is to use the term ‘male-bodied’)?
Or why women have to pile on example after example of why they feel awkward, uncomfortable, afraid, to justify their NO.

Ereshkigal · 12/05/2018 21:57

My abusive ex would certainly NEVER have let me be alone with other men.

Ereshkigal · 12/05/2018 21:57

Of course if a man was really motivated to come and get you out of the ladies then he could but that social convention is pretty powerful. My angry ex has aggressively banged on the door but he never came in. If it was unisex what would have stopped him?

As has been said before controlling jealous men would feel they needed to to stop you getting up to anything with another man. Whereas they are much less likely to bother to come into a space with only women.

Offred · 12/05/2018 21:51

I think if anyone female thought about it for a minute they would remember a large number of times when they have been made to feel uncomfortable by a man in a public place and almost automatically excused themselves for a break in the ladies.... I believe this is a universal experience for women, even if they have never had it illustrated quite so sharply as in my recent experience.

Of course if a man was really motivated to come and get you out of the ladies then he could but that social convention is pretty powerful. My angry ex has aggressively banged on the door but he never came in. If it was unisex what would have stopped him?

Offred · 12/05/2018 21:42

Oh yes, but there is a reason WA and rape crisis put posters/stickers up in the women’s toilets.... women’s toilets are as much about being a woman’s space as they are about toilet related stuff.

leggere · 12/05/2018 21:32

Offred, that's awful. Hope your life is better now. I can't believe other women are so flippant about men sharing our spaces. Unbelievable!

Offred · 12/05/2018 11:06

Yes, my main concern is that women’s toilets have been the place of safety I frequently ran to when my (on police bail) ex was standing between me and the door.

leggere · 12/05/2018 04:25

And here's the biggest insult. Re mixed gender loos My main issue with this is the fact that men don't sit down and the inevitable wading through urine that comes with it. How lucky you are then, that this is your main concern? I'm all right Jack, sod all the women and girls who have been raped and sexually assaulted who are afraid to be in the toilets with men! Even the ones who simply just aren't comfortable? Wouldn't have thought a HCW would have such little insight into women and girls feelings!!?

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