Does "dropping the ball" work?

'*there's not enough man teachers'

No they are too busy being fast tracked into head roles.*

As a teacher of 17 years, don't even get me started on that one....

There's a saying I heard about 10 years ago: "bodge it and scarper." (Actually in relation to some teacher's approach to some tasks)

My Dh will often do a task in a way that I deem a bodge it and scarper way. There's variation; cutting corners that I'm probably ott about but then there's really doing a half arsed job which clearly says I don't care. But my perfectionism can also be my undoing as some jobs I avoid for ages as I know how much time I'll put into them. Which similarly frustrates him.

My dh has always been perfectly capable with the dc and house stuff, but since having dc I have always done the vast majority of it because I have been part time. Although he's perfectly capable of any individual task and is organised, I don't think he understands how much time it takes to do all of it all the time, or how much admin/mental load it involves, aside from the actual physical housework.

I'm looking for full time jobs now the dc are older, and I think he'd find it pretty tough to suddenly be given 50% responsibility for stuff at home while still doing his (admittedly stressful) job. He's said in the past that we'd get a cleaner. But I wonder if he thinks that a couple of hours' cleaning a week would really sort everything!

Possibly Hugo. It's a bit "well it's your fault for picking one like that" - whereas I think the patriarchy a good job of pulling the wool over many young women's eyes.

Does anyone else feel that replies that basically state that 'women should just avoid being in a relationship with this kind of man' are a bit sexist?
That they put the onus on women to solve the problem?
Or have I been reading these boards too much?

(Btw Dairy I hope you didn't take offence at me giggling about how garbelled autococonut had rendered your post? )

My husband has much higher standards than me and he will do the work that needs doing.
But he does it sooooooooop slowly and meticulously that we end up not having any free time together or not going out as he has to do whatever chore, so in reality I just do it because then we can craic on with our lives when we are together.
It takes him 2 hours to hoover our perfectly normal semi whereas it takes me 30 minutes tops. His job is the washing and you would genuinely think no one has ever had to wash clothes before he makes such a meal of it.

We sometimes argue about it but it’s normally ok because I’m just in a routine now.

We had a blazing row once when he told me that my make up drawer was untidy and I should organise it better.

Hmm. "I can never do it your way so there's no point trying" is the mantra isn't it?

OK, speaking as a woman with fairly basic standards, my way is:
Regularly changed bathroom towels and sheets
Clean clothes
Not too much crap piling up ( eg empty toilet rolls and junk mail
Washing up done the same day
Sink cleaned sometimes
Fridge cleaned out about monthly
Bin cleaned out sometimes
Vacuum every other day, and sometimes even under furniture.
Bathroom done weekly
Weeding done
Windows cleaned yearly monthly
Get rid of dust when it becomes very obvious
Send birthday cards to loved ones.
Sort kids dinner money/ take to sports pragtuce/sign letters/help with homework.

That's it really. If another human being cleans my bathroom I don't much care if they don't put the shampoo bottles back in the exact order I do. I'm just happy it wasn't me.

autocorrect is great isn't it? Dairy

😂

'there's not enough man teachers'

No they are too busy being fast tracked into head roles.

I always feel vaguely guilty when I read these threads, as I was that deck of cards 😅 I have no interest in housework, considered that my responsibility ended with seeing everyone was fed, didn't give a shit. Still don't. My ex used to go ballistic, but the complaints simply rolled off me. If I'd done any housework it would be just one more thing I'd have had in my nose against him when he fucked off 😅

This killed my marriage - the slow drift from doing things 50/50 to me basically being so much in charge of everything that becoming a FT working mother to two under-5s was still easier. I currently have a DP who doesn't live with me but does the majority of household stuff when he's around - he enjoys it and doesn't see it as my job. But I'm constantly wary because I worry he's just on his best behaviour, and I have to curb an impulse in myself to say "oh let me do that!" in a "aren't-I-a-domestic-marvel" type way, which clearly is what I subconsciously associate with being a Good Girlfriend.

Yes of course it works, as long as you're not expecting it to be done "your way".

I have tried to explain this to my young female workmates, but maybe it won't happen to them?

autocorrect is great isn't it? Dairy

If I Ford the ball my husband would step up. He is a big boy after all. But he is just shit with anything remotely practical not as particular as I am and it would cause me less aggregation to do the laundry etc that to have to watch him doing it wrong. But the things that he does well (like ironing) I won't do if I don't feel like it (I mammalian try to do the bulk of domestic tasks because he works harder than I do and needs the support) and he will just do it himself.

I did the dropping the ball thing years ago.
Both of us had ft jobs... Mine much more stressful yet all domestic responsibilities were mine...
I was literally on the edge all the time, I am a highly driven perfectionist, typical over achiever... So just got more and more obsessed with everything being perfect for daughters and the house etc.
Something snapped...
I just stopped and when I got the usual questions like 'where are my socks?'.. I just shrugged and said 'I don't know there not my socks'... And then instead of running round lookibg for socks I just carried on drinking my coffee.. (simple example but you get the drift)
I did have to lower my standards a bit... So when I hadn't cooked dinner Cus I'd been last one hone from work, and my response to 'what are we having tonight'... Was 'don't know, what have YOU cooked'... And we ended up with pizza or takeaway. I did not critise, just ate it, and over time cooking picked up, standards at home picked up and we were all so much happier.

I rage at the learned helplessness of men and the enabling women who look after them.. And then moan on mn

Men do see dirt and grime obviously, they just care much less about it in general.
However, they do prefer to live nice clean houses with clean towels and bedsheets, just not enough to sort that for themselves (in my experience and that of all my female friends anyway).
I think the worst part of living with a man is realising all the little invisible things you do that they dont: changing beds, cleaning out the bin, cleaning the bathroom floor, throwing away crap, dusting..and I'm not even that great at housework.
I have lived with fairly domestically competent men, who did keep their places in pretty good order, but quite soon after moving in would do less and less..because a woman will do it.
The only man I know who does more domestic stuff than his partner is my gay brother.

Pre children we were equal.

During maternity leave as the one at home I naturally did more, and that's when it became unequal - even when DH was made redundant and was sahp for a while I was still somehow responsible for children and home. He seemed capable of housework OR children, but not both at the same time, like I did.
Shared parental leave as a norm is so so important for this feminist issue.

We started off nice and equal. But for good and nefarious reasons by the beginning of last year the workload was squarely in my court.

Last year my mother and sister stepped up to help the children, and DH’s mother came down for 5 days to help ‘me’ (she didn’t visit me in hospital).

I would argue that my story is not unique. Pre-children sharing the load is easy and if both partners have lived alone they will already know that there are jobs that just need to happen. But when children enter the story everything shifts and all the information out there says that women do more of the work and men are applauded for whatever amount they do.

Ekphrasis - oh right!

Maybe not a regional thing then, they're everywhere I tell you!

looks suspiciously over shoulder

Myteapot, I think he meant the other way round! That it seemed to be more sexist up north! But there's probably areas all around the country where traditional roles are more ingrained. But, Manchester is pretty cosmopolitan.

some would debate that Manchester is the Midlands...

Also cultural factors. A colleague told me her now husband who is around 60 noticed a big difference in attitudes and sexism in this northern city area compared to the area down south that he'd come from - in business and just day to day living. Which I'd agree with

Me too. I noticed this with a southern boyfriend. When I visited his family there was a lot of "girls doing x, and The Men doing y" regardless of age group. The only sexist comments I hear at my (northern) workplace are from our token cockney lad

Happily I married a proper Manc who is massively capable.

Someone shared that "Your husband is the oldest child you will ever look after" shit on Facebook yesterday. The idea that men are just grown up children gives me the rage.

DP is lazy, if he can get away with not doing something he will (except at work, where he's bloody diligent).

So when I'm not there, the kids will be fed, but veggies will be lacking, important washing will be done, but no beds will be changed, the dishwasher will be done, but the sides will never be wiped etc. Oh, and no bills would be paid - but then if it was just him, there'd be one account, and everything would be on direct debit, so no bills would have to be paid.

Everyone survives, but it's not great long-term.

I have very low standards (which is why I have a cleaner, to keep things a bit better than we would naturally) - but even I will wipe down sides, clean toilets, wipe the bathroom floor when it's finally so covered with fuzz that I can see it without my contacts in. Whereas DP refuses to think ahead on this stuff, and always waits until the situation is desperate before doing it, and that's because he's used to me being capable for him (and that extends to everything - house, cars, kids, even in work if we're working for the same company). I can only think that this is learned behaviour.

Dropping the ball works only when it's something that's purely him, and I need to make sure that I stay totally hands off or he'll sit back and let me - eg. kids bedtimes, I actually hide so that he can't delegate anything to me!

Yes. I like the adage that "if you can operate an iPad you are more than capable of operating a dish washer/ mop/ washing machine/ cleaning a toilet" with regards to children. Same applies.

If you can notice a tiny scratch on a car and spend an hour buying a special pen and filling it in, you can notice a messy kitchen top and wipe it up.

Seeing as we are on the feminism board it is worth pointing out that that men are not deficient in any way, they are as capable of doing work around the house as any woman is. They do not "fail" to see the dirt or find it hard to cope with housework alongside full time work (any more than any woman does)

If your partner or husband is failing to step up it is because they are choosing to or you are letting them. Often out of some preconceived notion that they are just rubbish at household stuff, therefore you need to do it all yourself.

They have brains, they have eyes, they are capable of carrying out day to day functions like having a job. They are therefore capable of doing housework.

They just don't want to.