Does "dropping the ball" work?

We were OK in the beginning. We were OK when the DC came along. We had a System that worked. I did the laundry, he did the cleaning. We did the shopping together. He put out the bins, cleaned the toilets, mowed the lawns and took the cars to the garage. I did the paperwork, managed the finances and the insurances and paid the bills. We worked around the DC so there was always one of us there.

Then they were teens and they would unpack the shopping, load the dishwasher etc. Suddenly anything not done and it was "the boys were supposed to do that" and I didn't notice that DH was doing less and less and less. He was still cleaning the toilets, running the vacuum round the lounge and putting the bins out at that point.

Then we had a bonus baby and I had 9 months off on Maternity leave. I suspect that's where it started to go wrong. A couple of years later we had to relocate for my job and that's definitely when everything collapsed.

We've been in this house nearly 10 years and I can count on one hand how many times he's cleaned the toilet. He was moaning once that "nobody puts the bins out" and was quite shocked when I replied "that's because it's your job". He's stopped moaning but manages to "forget" on fortnightly bin day and doesn't put the bins out.

He moans that I don't put the shopping away but doesn't see that I am the only one meal planning, shopping and cooking most of the time.

I had cancer a year after we moved and just dropped everything. Thought that if he couldn't be bothered I'd play him at his own game. We went seriously overdrawn, bills didn't get paid. The house descended into the sort of tip that takes several people months to sort out and has never recovered. He "tidied up" by putting everything in boxes. We have stacks of boxes in every room. I have no idea what is in them.

Unfortunately when he tidies he just puts everything in the box, so there will be important documents we've been looking for, newspapers, crisp packets, odd socks, tea towels, books, probably china, photos, pens, cheque books, hairbrushes, DVDs all mixed together in each box. You can't say this is the box of newspapers so I'll just throw it out. I tried that once and mixed in with the newspapers was the folder with all the original copies of DD's birth certificates in. Lucky I checked it. I'd really rather he just left it all where it was. It's so much easier to tidy as you go rather than ending up with a stack of boxes to check.

When my MIL started texting me with birthday hints
I just tell mine that I'll let DP know, and carry on with my day - she's slightly in awe of me, and slightly baffled by me, and probably slightly frustrated by me, but she's also really kind, and clever, and will know exactly why I reply that way, even if she doesn't agree with it herself...

I don't agree that you can't drop the ball later - I actually had 'the big box of things DP is too important to tidy up' and put everything in it that he left lying around for ages, in everyone's way. Eventually one of these things was his new driving license (he got quite cross when he had to rummage through crisp packets, socks, and dirty coffee cups for it, but it had been sat on the coffee table - in a house with 2 kids) for over a week, so actually, he was lucky it was in the box, and not lost) - and now, when he starts leaving stuff again, I walk around and take pictures and message him (I work from home). It's childish, but then, so is never taking your cup to the kitchen - he may be out of the house, but the rest of the family isn't, so it's thoughtless. It is only partially affective, but at least I feel better.

I'm sad for anyone that never discovers, once you "get your own place and settle down", that you'd rather have a rat than a rota on the wall. It would just feel like all hope of reason had been lost every time you saw it, and remind you what sharing a hoover was like. Plus, it would be your turn.

I’m also astounded at an adult living in a house of his own who doesn’t know where the washing power is kept. Genuinely.

I think “dropping the ball” only works so to speak if you do it early on.

As the PP said she let her do work it out for himself with he baby early on.

We are conditioned to step in and be helpful. Don’t do it in the first place.

If you are in a relationship and start doing all the shit work then it will continue as they know that eventually you will do it. I couldn’t remain married to someone who couldn’t feed and water his kids in an emergency. I couldn’t. Imagine if something happened to you . It’s pathetic. These men would never dare be so useless at work.

Oh and I don't take his suits to the dry cleaners either. I might ask if he wanted anything dropped off if I were going anyway but I wouldn't go just for him.

I've never ironed a shirt for him. Shirts are ironed by the cleaner when we have one or the person who wants to wear them when we don't.

Do you have separate washing in your house? How does that work do you have seperate washing baskets?

No but I only deal with mine and he deals with his and he deals with all towels and sheets. I don't want my clothes going in at whatever cycle he uses for his. Some of my stuff is hand wash only and goes nowhere near the basket. A small amount of his stuff is hand wash only-he does it himself. It isn't my responsibility.

I've never changed sheets or duvet covers. Not once in over 30 years together. I didn't take on the responsibility and he hasn't asked me to.

That they put the onus on women to solve the problem? well yes , up to a point. If you take on all this burden up to you to do something about it if you don't like it.

Dropping the ball works before you have children (and yes sometimes its easier than reminding/asking for the 100th time).

Its harder to drop the ball knowing that your child is going to school without her library book (again)
or isn't getting invited to birthday parties or playdates (because no one has bothered to reply to or keep in touch with other parents)
or can't have her birthday party where she really, really wanted it (because someone failed to book it early enough) and her friends can't make it (as someone failed to invite them early enough).

Without me dd would be fed (relatively healthy food), clothed (in clean, correct clothing) and homework would be done. The house would be fine. Dp is perfectly capable of that.

But I can't bring myself to drop the ball on stuff that on the one hand is minor but on the other hand means a lot to a 5 yr old.
Maybe dp does care a bit less than me in that respect as that sort of stuff doesn't seem to bother him.

My money would usually be on the woman to blink first, but his should not be read as an insult. One day science will prove that living like a slob is some Male survival instinct that just needs to be treated like an appendix.

(I can purchase milk with bad hair and no makeup first thing in the morning. This is actually underappreciated. )

If I want my teen daughter to do something, I tell her why I would prefer her to do it (because I'm late in etc) and she does it. The same in reverse if she would prefer me to do something. It's just about love and respect.

I do think there is an extreme lack of respect once you get to this point, but I don’t think love is quantified by whether or not your partner does the dishes.

I don’t have to post his family’s birthday cards, he deals with those entirely alone, but he buys them for my family too whereas I wouldn’t remember.

Are there other situations where people 'drop the ball' to get other people to contribute?

Yes, I did so in a Mum’s group when I noticed I stayed every week putting away equipment while other people made a quick exit.

Also in the PTA when I stopped being quite so efficient and all of a sudden the ridiculous 1130pm texts stopped.

After a few years of marriage and 2 DCs I found I’d slipped into the role of the ‘grown up’, it was all my responsibility. He would say the classic ‘i would have helped if you’d asked me’
It was tough to completely stop, I couldn’t leave the DCs unfed till he decided to do something about it, they needed clean uniform every day. I stopped all th wifework though and he didn’t like it at all.
I used to think it was as my fault for ‘allowing’ the situation to go on, but now I realize he’s just an entitled lazy arse who thinks the world revolves around him.

It’s the other way round in my household. DH does more housework and remembers birthday cards and buys them for me and brings them home, where I forget to write and post them. I think my secret is that I’m lazy. If people are coming round I’ll clean in a blitz, but I don’t care if the bathroom is grubby in between. Actually, the bathroom is on a rota, I mostly cook (and plan most meals) and the person who cooks doesn’t have to wash up so DH mostly washes up. However, DH also does the bins, recycling, food shopping, puts most of the clothes washes on/hangs them out (I separate my own washing as he can’t tell delicate things but he separates his own, and I’m in charge of washing said delicates as he has none), notices when lightbulbs/toilet rolls need replaced, pays bills (those that aren’t on direct debit), and deals with car MOT etc. We both will change the bed occasionally (not as frequently as planned) and I do all dusting, but probably only once every two months or so, and we split hoovering but don’t do it that often (it can be 3 weeks but will definitely be done if we have visitors). I will leave my clothes piled up (clean) for weeks and then finally put them away, and his are usually put away straight away, but neither of us think we should do each other’s. My mum is like this too, she’s a great cook and decorator but my stepdad is the clean one. My dad used to split chores between the family fairly, so I never imagined that women should do more. So it’s partly upbringing, DH’s as well as mine (but his brothers aren’t nearly as tidy), and partly laziness and laidback attitude on my part and tidiness on his.

Are there other situations where people 'drop the ball' to get other people to contribute?

If I want my teen daughter to do something, I tell her why I would prefer her to do it (because I'm late in etc) and she does it. The same in reverse if she would prefer me to do something. It's just about love and respect.

If you have to 'drop the ball' to get something achieved, is that because the person you live with just doesn't really care that much about you?

Or am I missing something?

Sort of did for me. We had a massive row once because he said I did nothing all day. So that's what I did for a week, the only things I carried on with were the food shop for my DS and general taking care of DS. I did no washing of dishes, no laundry (mine or his but I own way more underwear so was fine for me) no cooking unless for DS. By day 3 he was doing dishes, but only if he needed them and making meals for both of us after working for 8/9 hours. By the end of the week he was apologising for saying I do nothing and grovelling for me to wash his clothes as he didn't know where I kept the laundry powder! Said he didn't mind the cooking but its 'hard to do every single day' (ha!) Now we alternate so neither of us has to do cooking everyday.
He's gotten better at tidying as he goes as well rather that leaving a room looking like a bombs gone off but I'm quite happy to keep the clothes and dish washing for myself - at least then I know it's been done right!

My DH could (and has) run the house efficiently.

Ok the food would be basic ( mostly egg or beans based) but it would be hot. He can do shopping but he likes a list as I plan the meals.
Washing and ironing are his jobs anyway. He is happy to clean and will do the loo etc. he is king of The 'I must clean out THE drawer' when the rest of the house needs hoovering .
The only thing he fails on is the 'emotional' stuff - he is crap at remembering birthday etc and needs reminding to send relatives cards and flowers etc.

He is nearly 60

When I ‘dropped the ball’, dh was as shit at all the stuff as I was when we first got married and became parents.

But, just like me, he learnt quickly and improved his skills/raised his standards. It was either that or admit that he wasn’t quite as right on and feminist as he claimed.

Do you have separate washing in your house? How does that work do you have seperate washing baskets?

I stopped doing his laundry

Why did you start doing it in the first place? I really, really do not understand this. If both of you work and being the stay at home housekeeper isn't your job as it were what poseses women to start doing other adult's laundry?

no one got a single birthday card or present in the whole time

I don't get this one either. Apart from my mother in law (and only because she forces my hand and gets me something) I have never bought a present or sent a card to any of my husband's family or friends. I do so for mine- what he does for his is up to him.

you’re right about the mental load.

My husband believes that doing the washing is an equal job to doing the cooking and the shopping, without taking into account that I have to plan meals and keep a constant stick check in my head as well as keep a budget and work out nutrition.

He once proclaimed to his family that being vegan was easy and it’s not a bit of trouble to come up with nutritious and exciting meals if you’re vegan. Me and his Mam pulled him up about that and explained that actually it is only easy if all your meals just appear but in reality it takes a lot of planning.

To be fair to him once it’s pointed out he’s great at changing his ways but he just doesn’t see it until it’s pointed out.

Yy that “well just don’t marry one of the crap ones” puts the burden on women and ignores how well things get hidden and how much they can change. I’d rather none of us married the crap ones either, but that’s not the world we live in.

Reminds me of the advice new mothers get to make sure Dad is involved from an early stage: don’t hog all the baby stuff, don’t set yourself up as an expert, don’t micromanage his nappy changes, don’t jump in before he has a chance to work out what needs doing. It’s not bad advice but it does sound like saying “you have to take this exact right series of complicated steps to unlock Bloke Does Parenting, and if you do it wrong then oh well only yourself to blame.”

My dh does nowhere near enough imo. But he does 100% more than his father did. I wonder how many generations it will take for 50/50.
I envy very rich people who never think about housework. I can see me having the perfect marriage if i didn’t have that to argue about.

Getting a cleaner did help in that half of it is the tidying. When the tidying was a bodge it and scarper job, she couldn't do such a good job cleaning. Took a while but Dh worked this out. So it's worth him being there when the cleaner or agency points out how the cleaner having to tidy results in less cleaning.

So the night before the cleaner comes manic tidy is a fairly joint jobbo; I'll have done what I can.