Is it wrong to have a bailout fund when you are in a stable loving relationship?

We have everything in joint names but I have an ISA with several thousand pounds (enough for kids and I to live frugally for 6 months). DH also has some inheritance in his name.

I am also extremely lucky to have my parents alive, young and involved in our lives who would help in any way possible. My mum left a violent marriage before I was born and we have always been able to discuss openly what precautions to take based on her experience.

It's a necessity in my opinion - if one has to leave one never knows what the reaction of the ex will be plus they often freeze joint assets.

It's essential to have one's own cash/home/reserves if at all possible, preferably not in your name but through a trust or business so it's insulated from any financial settlement in the event of separation. And don't disclose to the partner ever.

Don't listen to those who say not - they have never walked in DV and financial abuse where joint assets are weaponised.

I have my own savings account, so does DH. We also have joint savings and a joint current account, and personal current accounts for individual fun spends. Everything gets paid into the joint current a/c and we divide up the fun money equally.

I don’t really see it as an escape fund, but I think it enables me to see the relationship in terms of ‘is this good on its own merits?’ rather than there being a strong financial pressure to make it work regardless of ROI.

I work in financial services so have seen first hand the mess that can come of joint finances in a separation. I’m also divorced and have personally experienced it. Having your own personal savings is never a bad idea - although worth bearing in mind they may still be considered an asset of the marriage if you split.

A lot of people also don’t understand that money in a joint account is not owned 50/50. It is all owned by either of you. Your partner can legally transfer all the money into an account solely owned by them, subject to any transfer limits ( in practice v few people have these). If you’re married and the partner hasn’t spent it then the judge would take a dim view, but if you’re not, there’s not much you can do about it.

Mumsnet! Mumsnet told me that it wasn't fair / was untrustworthy to hide money away, that all money should be shared family money etc

Mumsnet is wrong in this case, then! Was this AIBU? Sometimes I think people there just enjoy being contrary, regardless of the OP's question.

A joint account or credit card for some shared expenses is fine in general, but if you think your DP is useless with money then even that might not be a great idea.

Nope, having money saved for an emergency is always a good idea if you can manage it. Having to bail out on a partner is one reason, but there are others too. If you never use it then great, it becomes part of your retirement plan. If you need it then it's there.

I was a sahm for five years when my boys were babies. Dh put equal amounts into my isa and his for every month of that time. His words were I want our marriage to work because we want it to, not because one of us doesn't have a choice.

There are so many reasons for both partners to have individual funds.

No, no matter how much you love each other, it is NOT wrong to have a bailout fund. And try not to break into it for anything except bailout (if ever needed).

We have joint money and we have our own personal money too. I save some of mine just incase. Not because I think he’ll fuck off but anything could happen.

As an aside, if we did get married, would the default be that all money/assets would belong to both of us?

Strictly speaking no, if you can 'prove' x amount is yours, however, it does all get tangled up in the joint assets. Best advice, don't get married. You are not married now and already have a child together, so what is the point really?

It worries me that he has had several financial bail outs from you already, and that really says there is less likely to be a fair division of assets should any separation happen. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. Let's just say, I don't fancy your chances of a fair and reasonable split should you separate.

Keep your savings separate, and don't tell him how much, none of his business really. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.

No.

Always have recourse to something in your name - ideally savings, but even a high-value credit card is useful.

Life is funny, people are funnier. Always be prepared to stand on your own feet.

It sounds to me like you have a cocklodger or irresponsible man child who isn’t even prepared to give you the legal security of marriage as protection for your child: it’s not about bail out fund it’s about self esteem and valuing yourself. Why are you bailing him out rather than expecting him to operate like the adult he is?

Ah yes, I have one - i call it my Fuck Off Fund. I feel secure knowing it's there in the background if needed. Nothing wrong with it imo

@itsallgoingtobefine

^There will probably be people who'll say that the mere fact that you're even thinking about a bail-out fund means your relationship isn't the secure and loving one you say it is

In a nutshell, that was what I was worried about. Does even thinking about this mean that the relationship is doomed on some level etc.^

No, it means that you are staying because you want to stay, not because you can't afford to leave. I've been in a relationship that I couldn't afford to leave, he raped me and it took months after that to be able to get out. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I think I remember the thread you are talking about.
It was dire.

I think either party should be sensible enough to have enough funds to support themselves and children for long enough to secure a home and income.

I’m a higher earner and I would not even entertain the idea of living with some bloke unless I knew he had sole access to enough to support himself on for several months.

Part of loving someone is protecting them either from you or in the event of you being incapacitated

The AIBU obsession with "family money" makes my mind boggle. I'm in a very happy, stable relationship and I trust my partner absolutely. Our finances are roughly equal- similar monthly incomes, similar savings- but we would both be absolutely horrified by the idea of joint finances. I wouldn't even consider it, not for a second. We don't even have a joint account for domestic bills- he pays them, and tells me how much my half is each month. He'd probably like to talk me through the breakdown of it in great detail, but I'm not sufficiently interested. I trust him not to rip me off, and he trusts me to pay my share. Other joint ventures- holidays, nights out, household purchases- we split or take it in turns to cover. If one of us feels we've paid more than our share, we check statements and even it out. We never question each other's personal spending- there's no need.
So no, I don't think you'd be untrusting or showing a lack of faith in the relationship to keep some of your money for you. I think you'd be crazy not to.

You don't have to think of it as a bail out fund, but, a personal emergency fund.

DP and I are shared finances - in fact, he couldn't care less, he has a credit card and a bank card, and as long as they work when they're put in machines, he couldn't care less - and it works fine, because neither of us are big spenders.

But I have a house and business in my sole name, I know that if anything happened to us or him, I have both a career to support us, and a place to live for me and the kids (we've got assurance on both of us too), and when it comes down to it, it's his lookout if he can't be bothered to ensure the same (I've spoken to his mum instead, just in case of the worse, so she's broadly aware of what we have in place).

There's nothing wrong with either of you having emergency funds, if he doesn't have one, that's his lookout.

counselors recommend separate accounts plus a household account that both contribute a percentage of their income to cover expenses.

I'm pretty chuffed we worked this out ourselves!

I've never seen it like that but I have a rainy day pot of savings and we both have bits of money we d invested - they're seen as joint but in reality are our own.

We have individual bank accounts and a separate joint account which we pay different amounts into - I was earning way more than Dh once and we worked out a percentage type thing of how to pay in. Dh was earning v little when he first set up his business so I put the most in. Then it swung round when we had a child and his business got going to him putting more in and generally paying for most things as I went more than part time and lost a couple of extra bits due to demotion.

When we met we had both recently bought flats. Due to the crash we ended up keeping them, Him initially moving in with me and then renting them out when we bought a house jointly. But in reality we both openly said we felt safer knowing we had those flats to return to if needed. Eventually the flats have become long term 'investments' which we will sell one day in the future or if anything terrible happened.

I think we've always been quite realistic about the fact that marriages end, although actually in our heads we're both in it for the long term. Financial things are always talked about with long term plans in mind.

We've been through some tough shit too; we probably should/ could have ended it at one point, but it was our own shit and in all honesty in between the shitty bits we'd still talk about long term plans which is a bit but I think deep down we knew it was just a temporary shit storm. He was a bit of a bully at times and mn helped me recognise a few things that I pulled him up on and he changed them. I also pulled myself up too. Couldn't have survived an affair though.

Dh seems to be aware of how my finances and career are on hold and potentially stagnating (though he also thinks I'd be happier not working which is probably true but I mostly like what I do) - at the same time it's a career I could quickly step back into (though was exhausting and I don't think he'd think it would be beneficial for the kids for me to be full time as well as him if we did split up).

I don’t, but I take responsibility in knowing I own half the house and what’s in the bank accounts etc, which are nearly all joint. I do our finances, while inconceivable that my dh would cheat on me the possibility he could fleece my financially is even smaller than that by an order of magnitude.

No it’s not wrong at all. My great aunt who lived though 2 world wars, worked as a ladies maid in the US in the 1930, and married a wonderful man always said to me “ A woman must have a running away fund”. When she died in her 92 year she had left me her “running away fund “ in her will, and I stil have it years later. No one known just what life can throw at us, so it would be wise to have money, that is all yours.

I would think of it as the kiss of death for my relationship to actually plan “bail out money”, yes. I find it very hard to see how that’s compatible with a mutually trusting relationship.

That said, I think personal savings are perfectly healthy/rational. DH and I put all our money in a joint account and pay ourselves the same amount into our personal accounts. That gets used for anything personal and non-trivial/non-essential (eg a night out without the other one). So I have my own money, but if I felt it necessary to be saving it purely as a potential escape route, I can’t imagine our marriage would be in a good place.

I have one, always have done.

But i'm not in the UK and didn't marry in the UK. Whatever we brought to the marriage we take back with us in the event of a split.

I think you are very wise.