How do you teach your daughters to be nice but not nice?

Not sure I agree it's often women against women jkirkdale. I think most women can intuitively deal with the spiteful female bullies we come across. Dealing with male bullying is far more difficult.

Not sure what ages your daughters are OP but If they’re between 7 and 12 there is a good book called The Mouse, The Monster and Me which I found useful in discussing these issues with my children.

Rule 1 - Say what you want to say politely - once only. If the message isn't heard then say it loudly with attitude and peppered with swear words.

Rule 2 - You are more important than anyone else and your needs feelings and opinions are more important.

Rule 3 - Do what you regard as the right thing. The moral high ground is s great place to be with a great vantage point

Great thread and a really great question op - I struggle with this constantly!

Fwiw I tell my DD:

• to think for herself and not be a sheep
• to take more notice of actions rather than words
• that the majority of people are good and trying their best, but a few are not
• hope for the best but prepare for the worst (ie self defence class)
• to be as honest as possible with herself and others
• to be kind (where possible)
• to try and aim for balance in most situations.

She's 14 yrs and a bit too eager to "fit in and run with the crowd ATM" although, happily, it is currently a good crowd.

I am probably going to be shot...but anyway here goes...feminism has changed so much over the recent years.. the meaning of feminism has been broadened so much it no longer has a fixed agenda. I would say its teaching your daughter your core values which will stick with her. Not feminism and how to tell boys no... as many women know the issue in allot of schools and work places growing up is acctually women on women not the typically thought to be men on women... im not saying that it doesnt happen because it does. But your values and morrals sound great...its just embedding those values....as "values"...not bracketing them as they need to be a feminist thing to do so...and if everyone followed suit this whole equality thing would heal allot quicker.. so my point is ...take labeles out of the equation completely and teach as equal and your values.

Get them to Read

“The gift of fear”

And

“boundaries”

Both are American books but messages are sound. Latter is Christian, but if you object to that a google around will provide alternatives with same message. Or the “Shark Cage” concept.

Tell them the best self defence is not to be there at all. Ex marine told me this. He could handle himself but even he didn’t put himself in dangerous situations.

Being “aloof” is ok.

I'm very honest with my DD and I think she's pretty good at this.
One thing I've always respected and encouraged to some extent, was not to make her be friendly or affectionate when she didn't want to be.
Allowing children to say 'no' to adults is a powerful message - but needs to be balanced against not raising horrible kids! I always ask and respect her boundaries and tell her this is fine - her thoughts/body/opinions are hers and hers alone. I'm not a people pleaser and neither is she.
Her Dad is on the same page too which helps.

Send them to my old grammar school.

God I have no idea either tbh. I have two Dds and honestly I'm petrified.

She's already experienced some low level stuff.

I worry if one day she snaps and she ends up in trouble as we all know that what usually happens.

And I worry she will take being nice and kind too far ...

I don't know what to say or do if I'm brutally honest.

I don’t like trust your instincts.

Instincts are too often flawed.

I have exactly the same concerns, op. I have a kind and caring dd (7) and I am like you and often mistaken for a doormat. People are often shocked that I am not such a pushover, but it's a shame it ever reaches that stage. Teenage years were not good for me; I was easily manipulated and eager to be liked. I do not want that for dd

Rule 1) Trust your instincts
2) It ain't worth it. Look at the stats. Men are violent.
3) Anyone who's being aggressively pushy, for whatever reason, you need to get away from them now
4) 'Mirror' people - if they're not being nice you don't have to.
5) Go back to rule 1 and repeat

It's really hard I think.

I want them to be polite but not at the expense of their own wishes. And this stuff is hard as an adult!

I must teach my daughter to have a phrase ready, a more teen-compatible version of ''that's not going to work for me''.