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Original poster

Gender non conforming child (mine!).

65 replies

moofolk · 07/04/2018 17:08

This is the thread I've been avoiding starting for ages and looking for feminist input. This is about my particular circumstance but more generally how should we be encouraging our children to be awesome, happy and strong.
My son, now getting on for 10, has long been gender non-conforming. From nursery age he loved the fairy dresses and dolls, wanting girls' names in games, female characters always his favourite; so far so Mermaids, right? I thought of taking him to Mermaids before I realised that it wasn't a play group for GNC kids to be themselves (which sounded very appealing), but a transition priming group.
Anyway, being a gender critical feminist mum I never had any problem with his non-conforming, if anything I was proud of his strength and individuality. However, now I'm terrified for him. He's not quite internet- ready but when he is l can see why he would find the trans ideology appealing and how easy that would be to find. I can also see how I may have 'done this to him' by not pushing gendered toys when he was littler as I saw many other parents do without realising it. This to me is more proof that the idea of innate gender is bullshit but I digress.
He has over the past years at primary school pushed this down to some extent but it is still there and he would love to be a girl.
He has very few male friends, a very strong girl best friend and adores women and girls. He cries when confronted with structural inequality and poor representation of female characters in films (which is, as you know, often).
So wimms, WWYD? I want to help him show that men can be good, strong and sensitive (his dad is!). I don't want to slate 'being girly', or push him into masculine stereotypes but to be prepared for what may be presented as an easy option ahead.
FWIW he has two very gender conforming roughty-toughty-lads as younger brothers.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 07/04/2018 17:28

Role models of androgynous men and women, maybe. There must be some...

MysweetAudrina · 07/04/2018 17:27

Another one with a 10 year old who has never conformed. I stood on a football sideline today and watched her play in the boys football team. I keep telling her she is perfect just as she is. I have started to introduced the subject of trans to get as I would prefer it was me she was having the discussion with rather than randomers online. She told me she has a transgender vagina which I have no idea how or where she came up with it. I worry for her and me and my reactions.

midgebabe · 07/04/2018 17:27

If he has good friends, try not to worry. Think how strong he is already. are there male role models that could be introduced ..Bowie springs to my mind but that's just my age!

picklemepopcorn · 07/04/2018 17:27

I would tell him how strong he is, to be prepared to be empathic and sensitive like his dad. I'd tell him some people don't approve but that is their problem not his. I'd also tell him, it's ok to 'fit in' sometimes- we all do it to some extent. It is a sensible behaviour.

Does he like gender non conforming clothes? Can you help him choose flamboyant men's wear? Many men dress really badly- there's no harm in dressing well. My DS could rock a purple pirate shirt, and can now carry off vibrant striped men's shirts. You can be a man and still enjoy colour.

Bananamanfan · 07/04/2018 17:26

I have the same worries with my DD, op. She will only wear 'boys' clothes and play with 'boys' toys, which we have always been fine with. We did avoid pink versions of things (duplo/lego etc) and avoided fussy dresses, because we thought those things weren't practical or necessary. When DD was 2-3 she became much more opinionated & wouldn't wear the t-shirt dresses or clothes with flowers on that were bought for her.
There is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with her and my big concern is that someone 'well-meaning' will try to influence her as she gets older into thinking that there is something wrong with her and steer her down a path that leads to permanent harm in the form of hormones and/or surgery.
There seems to be a movement to even stricter gender stereotypes rather than a relaxation of them.

Original poster
moofolk · 07/04/2018 17:23

Thanks Malorie that's one thing I have talked about very vaguely with him and dread him finding the debate from someone else especially with me being- ahem - terfed out of many discussion and left groups

OP posts:
Original poster
moofolk · 07/04/2018 17:21

And my god yes, the world does need more sensitive men who are attuned to the injustices of structural inequality!

OP posts:
MallorieArcher · 07/04/2018 17:20

This is me and my dd of the same age. She is a classic 'tomboy' and I have been concerned about this for awhile now.
She knows transwomen through me, she knows a trans teen, she knows a lot of lesbians and gay men in relationships and just accepts it.

I have spoken to her about trans issues and told her that some people would say that she is a boy as she likes boy stuff. Thankfully she was outraged but she has always been aware that some people don't like her being GNC so I have made sure she understands that she is who she is and that is perfect.
I wouldn't hide this from him, if he finds stuff online he hasn't heard from you he might not know how to approach you about it. Make him aware of other GNC people who have not transitioned if you can so he sees it as a thing you can be as an adult.

I also make very clear to her that she was born a girl and will always be a girl, that cannot ever change, but HOW she defines 'being a girl' is up to her . She can't do anything non girlie as she is one, that's a weird paradox.

And yes, as jelly says, you love him as he is, and he needs to know you don't want him to hide how he wants to behave.

Original poster
moofolk · 07/04/2018 17:19

Thanks for the quick responses!
Ajas plenty of parents do push gendered toys at their kids, it's pretty much the default parenting position sadly.
Yes he's said many times he wishes he were a girl, and of course I've always gone down the 'there's no such things as boys things and girls things, you can do whatever you like and still be a boy', but it feels like it's always there.
He is perfect the way he is, I suppose I'm concerned about him hearing about people being 'stuck in the wrong body' and identifying with that straight away.

OP posts:
GoodyMog · 07/04/2018 17:18

I would say look for male role models, who are into similar things to him. And I guess just keep encouraging him to be himself.

Frogletmamma · 07/04/2018 17:17

Just because he is GNC dosn't mean he has to go all the way down the trans route, unless he really wants to when older. And its not something you have done.. see his brothers. I have a 10yo girl. She hates pink, never really liked dolls and loves lego. This doesnt really bother me she is an individual. The world needs more sensitive men anyway...

isthistoonosy · 07/04/2018 17:16

Mine is much younger but I just ask why, what is the logic for wanting to be a girl. I explain they can never biologically change and that both men and women can do what they want to.

AjasLipstick · 07/04/2018 17:13

Why would you "push gendered toys" at him though? Confused

What do you do? You don't DO anything! You leave him be. We all worry about the internet...you just have to monitor what he's looking at.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 07/04/2018 17:12

Well. I have no children but I’d make sure he’s aware that not everyone fits into little boxes.

Show him others like him - people who don’t conform and are just brilliant people for being themselves.

Has he said why he would love to be a girl ? Is it so he would “fit in” ? Or is it something else ?

jellyfrizz · 07/04/2018 17:12

Just let him be him and assure him he is perfect just the way he is.

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