Women's aid? How to ask for help

Thanks Badger. There's couple of more weeks before I get basics ready. It feels like years already, I just want to stop living like this once and for all and never go back in this position.
I feel trapped-like if I manage to get away I'll end up back here. I still don't know what it feels like to rely on myself only, which is sad given how many young women my age have their lives, jobs, friends and school/interests all independently/from their partners.

I just wonder what to do after I come to refuge...I suppose I'll talk it all out when they call me but there seems to be so many things to do.

Thanks Tallulah. It's hard to focus on days when he's acting nice, on moments I think he's"manageable". But that's obviously not true, it's probably due to me trying to be careful these days not to mess up my plans.

I can never truly relax, always have to tiptoe, choose battles and indefinitely wonder what will happen"if"-if I don't want to be together ever again with him(because he's just waiting to eventually come back to bed, he has tried to get in uninvited couple of times), if I start working(he is irritable when I'm out for just two hours I can imagine what it would be once I'd be in contact with people on daily basis), if I want to do something for myself(like sports classes, where again he'd turn jealous on the coaches)and so on...not to mention I'm constantly stressed how he refuses to give more attention to our son. This is far, far from how I want to raise my son.

I'm scared of going to refuge being seen as unnecessary. This is a lovely little apartment with everything we need and more and when people speak to my partner they think he's a nice guy and how our son looks cheerful. Only I am the crazy one here, at least my family thinks so.

@EmyRoo thanks for the site I think it will be useful.

Thanks all for replying.
I've finally went to Women's aid and the kind woman that spoke to me said I'll receive a call by end of the week(can't exactly remember the name of service but in lines of prevention)if not I have to call them back.

I have changed all of my accounts passwords, hid notifications and locked the phone(I already made excuse it's because of our son not to go on the phone)and haven't said I've been to Women's aid or talked to anyone.

I'm trying to be smarter this time but I'm scared there will be a catch at the end of it all.

His passport should come anytime next week or so and then we are making my sons passport.
In the meantime I'm going for interview to get NIN(yes with invoices he made but please don't judge, I will work so I don't see a better option at the moment, even tho I feel like a fraud).

I'm hoping to go to shelter at some point because I'm living in constant fear of him finding out I was looking for help and then secretly arranging something with his lawyer(he's already seeing one for visa applications and he sounds capable), probably something related to custody or press charges on me.
I really don't know what to expect from him and I can't live like this.

Only now I realised how he kept me in control by keeping me indoors and bellitling me to point that I feel guilty to whoever I speak or look in the eye, not mentioning being scared of even thinking how I'll go to work in future.

The day I finally decided to go to woman's aid, I saw him with clarity. It was no special moment.
He dressed himself up like a doll for work, had his vain and careless look in his eyes and just went on to have his day, drinking coffee, chatting with people at work, maybe dropping an eye on some women and doing work that he's paid for. He looked the same, actually better, than two years ago when I came here.

It made me cry because I'm not half what I use to be or hoped to be. And he's moving on with his day like nothing ever happened in these two-three years.

I still haven't went and I'm dwelling whether I should go tomorrow.

I honestly feel crazy, leaving drama aside.
I don't know what to do, I'm afraid I'll regret talking to someone and starting something just like when I called police on him for putting clothes on fire in the bathroom...he had done it out of jealousy, claiming that he wasn't trying to harm anyone but himself-I'm still shocked with that selfishness; our son and me were in the apartment. What if my son had all that smoke he could've make in just few more minutes? It would be a different story if my son wasn't involved but like this I don't know how to forgive or forget, tho it was a year ago..

Every other day it seems to me like things have settled down and that I can manage it. But I'm not sure, honestly.
Today out of the blue he sent me a message with picture of my period calendar(I marked I masturbated in January-I know it's a weird thing to do but I have a personal goal of not masturbating because of the sexual abuse, I find I feel better if I don't-but it looks like the same mark for intercourse if you don't click)and said"Just happens to be on the day you went to chiropractor!"

I mean wtf? I literally don't go out of the house other than with my son 2-3 times a week and when I need to go to GP etc(then I come straight home because he always acts pissed off no matter how early or late I come-I thought it's because he's in rush for work but he never even says when exactly he's going and hangs around home sometimes when I'm back for some time...)

..so to assume I had time to have sex with someone(or for gods sake just meet another human)is beyond me, not to mention we aren't sleeping together since mid-January neither I consider him my partner so I don't know why is his attention there...

I don't know what to do. It takes money for everything, I think I read on my local Women's aid page that you pay for the accommodation and the spaces are limited, most other women are sent to homeless shelters(latter part was from reviews tho).

I feel if I go home I'll have to listen how I should go back to him and will be constantly put down for the things I want to do in life. I don't have energy for that, I honestly ran away from my family to my"partner"in the first place and now I don't know which is worse, especially considering my son now.

I'm really damn tired of all this. Almost 3 years now I'm wilting in this apartment and don't know what to do. It seems easier for everyone to say that it's my own fault for where I am now and seems like I'm supposed to stay where I am as well, not to create problems in other people's lives.

Thanks everyone. I called my local Women's Aid and said I'll come in person. I haven't told anything to partner, he probably thinks I forgot about all this. I'll go with my son.
I'm still not sure what to tell them, I'm tired of lying but I can't expect them to respect me once I tell them I'm here pretty much illegally, I'm not sure what my options will be in that case...anyway I'm most likely going back to my home country with my son..

And then he went on;

"I think about him, thats why I keep my mouth shut. Or else you would be long gone- alone. So keep your shit inside you and focus on him"

He keeps scaring me that they'll take our son, he just texted me this when I told him I locked the door and that I'll meet with him only for making his passport and NIN interview;

"Lets talk the fact. They will not give you the National Insurance unless you get all the require docs, so yes you can go to the aid to beg. In the mean time you will get treatment for mental illness and X will go to foster home! I will eventually go back but you will lose him too. If only barking was doing the job then street dog would be the most efficient in the world"

Thanks all I appreciate it.
I was scared to write this at first but my partner actually made fake invoices for me to get NIN(which I still have to go for...)so I'd have right to be here. I can't be other than self-employed or work in high-qualifications jobs(and I don't have qualifications...)because of my nationality restrictions. I'm about to make my son's passport and I have to do that with my partner(in London). We had to wait his passport to be sent back to make our DS passport(nevertheless partner was prolonging making it without knowing he's getting his passport soon/that he needs it).

I've flied here two and a half years ago after I met him online-I was already scared of meeting my rapists in the street(it's a small town and it happened often)and I failed to get a job(other than waitressing where people harassed me)not finishing high school so I wanted him to help me get on my feet in another country while I would help him out with his visa(his student visa expired so he wanted to make it"safe"by applying based on his partnership with me).

We weren't suppose to be together but I thought I liked him and initiated getting close. Not even a month after coming I got pregnant. No need to say it was a disaster ever since. I had no idea what a cruel person he is.

Just yesterday when I argued with him how he was a shit birthing partner he started telling me how everyone he knows think I'm"retarded", how my family must think that too. He has said worse things but this hurt me because I remembered how he ignored me while I was pregnant and how I would cry every few days just because of how isolated I felt(I know no one here and he never wanted to come out of house with me, when I would talk him in he acted like he's embarrassed).

Maybe I am"retarded", if by that he means me disassociating so often during day because what I'm going through, just to get by and make best out of taking care of our son every day, still isolated and being treated like shit.
Indeed I must be"retarded"because what else do you become living like this?

I was just a kid two-three years ago, I didn't have to be a parent at this age in these circumstances...I feel that doesn't matter to anyone at all.