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Original poster

Men who destroy their families - help me understand

87 replies

missymisdemeanor · 26/01/2018 22:09

I have NC for this. A young woman I worked with took her life a few weeks ago. The investigations are now complete and the Police have discovered that she was subject to long term sexual, verbal and emotional abuse from her father. There were thousands of abusive emails and text messages. She died in a very violent and horrific way and it is difficult to process the mindset she must have been in.

I work with children and I know so many families that have been ruined by men. So many women and children's lives destroyed. I feel so angry. For years I have had this funny quip where when someone says 'not all men are like that' (NAMALT) I reply 'you're right, but all the people like that are men' (APLTAM).

How can I make sense of the experiences of families I know that have been destroyed by men having affairs, being violent/aggressive/controlling, gambling/drink problems, abandoning the family to 'find themselves'? So much narcism and selfishness, entitlement, anger, vengeful hatred and destruction.

Please can someone recommend any reading material? My thinking is jumbled and I need to sort my head out. I work with many fantastic men, have a loving DH and fantastic DS who sometimes wonders aloud if I am sexist :( (but he does understand), maybe I am. I can't reconcile my anger. If any wise women are out there please help. I suspect it's my age - layers and layers of experience forming patterns in my brain over 4 decades. Any advice?

OP posts:
Parsleyisntfood · 26/01/2018 23:13

I think we need to fight the good fight because women and children are victims, but moreover they are overlooked. Their suffering is acceptable because “he was having a breakdown”, “she provoked it” whatever. But I am always always always screamed down when I say women abuse. Some because their are trapped some because they are bad. Ignoring that women abuse ignores the suffering of the women and children they abuse.
But fucking yes, domestic abuse needs to be called abuse (no domestic) and it should be prosecuted every dam time because only then will it be taken seriously.

EggsonHeads · 26/01/2018 23:05

Women are cruel too. Women destroy families too. Women abuse their children too. I was abused by a woman. I was abused by my own mother. My own mother didn't love me enough to not hurt me. Saying shit like the above makes out as if the abuse that I suffered wasn't bad enough or was real because it wasn't perpetuated by a man. It was real, and it was bad. You can't separate the world into black and white like that. Anyone could be abusing their children. It could be the poster above me (no offence just making a point), it could be your mail person, it could be your son's teacher, it could be your DH, it could even be you. And you wouldn't necessarily even know and you most definitely could not rule someone out just by looking at their sex. If you genuinely believe that the only people who hurt their families are men then I think you need some therapy.

GuardianLions · 26/01/2018 23:02

Hi OP. What you are talking about is all. too. true.
I don't know if you've heard of dastardly dads - it hasn't been updated since 2016 but it shows a pattern.

My other half did a consultation with the police and apparently 60% of call outs are for 'domestic' incidents. What does that say?

Joining the dots and understanding the pattern is what feminism is all about - well the second wave. Discovered through consciousness raising. Read any second wave feminist and this will start to make sense.

Although some might not be so into Gloria Steinhem what she said is true: "The truth will set you free - but first it will piss you off"

user764329056 · 26/01/2018 22:58

I am at a loss and struggling to process this, will be actively seeking reading matter to try and gain some perspective and stop myself feeling so thoroughly depressed about it all

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 26/01/2018 22:52

I struggle with everyone's denial of what's going on and the way people know something is wrong but do nothing to stop or report it to Police/SS.

A few people have attacked their families and everyone blames having a breakdown. No - they are controlling abusers who've been acting that way for years.

Original poster
missymisdemeanor · 26/01/2018 22:37

I bought DS The Power for Xmas - I'll borrow it :)

I've read Karen Ingala-smith's website before but will do a refresher although I suspect both recommendations will only serve to feed my growing rage.

OP posts:
QuentinSummers · 26/01/2018 22:31

The Power is a great book and very thought provoking.
I have to admit most of my feminism is online. I haven't read a lot of stuff. Although I read an essay about contraception in the book "Nasty Women" the other day and it was really good.

crocodarl · 26/01/2018 22:27

Sorry, probably not a helpful reccomendation - fiction, not informative for real life.

crocodarl · 26/01/2018 22:26

Have you read Naomi Alderman's The Power? Not completely sure if I recommend it or not, but it's (although ficticious) relevant to this topic and mostly a good read. I enjoyed the 1st half very much, but got very annoyed (and distressed) by the ending.

SmartiesHaveTheAnswer · 26/01/2018 22:21

Following this. I support a 16yr old girl who's father is a serial adulterer and drinker, has left her Mums confidence in tatters and is an
Influence to her younger brother. She loves her Dad but thinks he's an absolute knob and wishes her Mum would leave.

I'd love to be able to get some sort of material to learn from as I'd break my heart if she were to make the same decisions in her life.

QuentinSummers · 26/01/2018 22:16

Have a read of Karen Ingala-smith's website, counting dead women. She has some good articles on there about this kind of thing.
You are on the money as far as I'm concerned and it is not sexist at all.

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