Men who destroy their families - help me understand

missy

It can be very very hard to be exposed to abuse - even in a third person manner.
I can understand how you feel as I have felt in too - I work in the very niche often untouched part of domestic abuse.
Getting people from their abuser to safety, something sadly lacking in many countries and even in the UK to an extent (I do work outside of the UK, too). I also help them engage with services after; then my job is done unless they wish to get in touch.
It can be horrifying. Especially when you can't empathise or understand what's going on and anyones instinct is to just bundle a Dv victim up and carry them away from it all. It doesn't work like that, though (rightly so). You're probably finding yourself asking why, why does this happen?

May I suggest you seek some counselling? It's beneficial. You're not a therapist but you need to look after your own mind. You are no use to anybody if you have a breakdown.

Sorry for double post

I'm the opposite, the older I get and more importantly, the more I learn, the more I realise how complex the family system and the human psyche are. There are no easy solutions.

I remember when WA opened a refuge in my city. I thought that's it, the battered women around me have somewhere to go, so there will be no more DV. They and their children can live without these awful men and be safe. I thought the same thing about child abuse when Child line was launched. 3 decades later and while things have got better we are not even close to eradicating these blights. And part of it is willful ignorance by well meaning people.

Please find a supportive network ie women's centre, a charity... You don't have to talk about this specific problem, but just being around supportive women will be so restorative.

Sorry for over use of word "supportive' can't think of another word.

I don't know, the older I get the more I learn, the angrier I get. I have no answers but I'm sorry for your loss

I highly recommend you find a supervisor. I see mine for 1.5 hours face to face supervision once a month, I have to pay, but it is money well spent. And she is always at the end of the phone if something comes up and I need a debrief or advice wrt child protection and the law. She is a mentor, confidante, voice of experience and is bound by confidentiality. She keeps me safe in my client work.

Paying for supervision is essential for my self care and helps me not take my work home with me. Working with people who have gone through trauma comes with its risks. A good supervisor helps mitigate these risks.

Maybe you could have a restorative break at Horton in Ribblesdale Women's Holiday Centre

www.hortonwhc.org.uk/

Please find a supportive network ie women's centre, a charity... You don't have to talk about this specific problem, but just being around supportive women will be so restorative.

Sorry for over use of word "supportive' can't think of another word.

Thank you for all you do, @missisdemeanour It sounds like a tough row to hoe.

But you can talk to the Samaritans, just to talk it through.

Sadly, I’ve found I just get used to the crap that toxic masculinity visits on us all.

Cross post. I see you are self employed. Do you have a supervisor?

OP, I can understand your anger. Much of my work is with survivors of DV and childhood abuse. Do you receive adequate supervision in your role?

If you’re working in a reasonably large organisation and dealing with these sorts of things as part of your job, do they have an Occupational Health Office, or a counselling service, or an Employee Assistance programme? You should be offered some help in processing all of this.

Also, you could just ring up the Samaritans and talk it through with them.

I second the suggestion of finding your local Womens Centre. they often have a library as well, and groups to join.
You sound like someone who feels they have been let down, and you are right. Men who act that way have broken all the expected social contracts.

I guess the question boils down to ''if you had the chance to do something entirely selfish, would you. Even if you hurt other people''.
You wouldn't, so you cant understand people that would.

Missy I really really understand why you are feeling like this. I found a group that I found really supportive but then a man there got my email address somehow and has sent me a peculiar email with a X on the end. I now don't want to go back. I felt so safe and that I was around the opposite of what you describe in your op. Totally gutted.

Are there any women centres where you live?

I do think we should try to refocus the thread on OP and not on "women do it too".
I am generally scared of men. I am not of women. The skewed percentages will not change that for me and I doubt they will for the op. Real life speaks the loudest.

missy I reckon you should go on the Million Women Rise March - i think you'd find it very cathartic and enriching.

bucking I agree to some extent. With my own kids I am surprised how frequently I need to tell them that hitting - or any sort of violence is unacceptable and wrong. They didn't get 'taught' to hit.

But I do believe children can be taught strategies for managing emotions and violent impulses so that they don't hurt people as they grow up. But if you take your eye of the ball as a parent or go through a rough patch in life so that you aren't 'on top of things' it can all unravel pretty quickly and children start going off the rails.

It is tough to parent attentively and consistently enough to 'nurture' them out of impulsive behaviour.