Women who don’t be believed for their reasons not to BF - a feminist issue?

@BertrandRussell I know but that’s obv what op is talking about

My cousin didn’t breast feed due to having no breasts at all from having cancer and a mastectomy previously. She has also been asked at baby groups why she didn’t try harder or if she needed more support leading to her explaining yourself.

You need to be pysically & mentally well to BF your child blue. And I’m sorry you had a hard time, I hope you are both happy & heathy now that’s what’s important. I believe you

"To be fair though if they’ve actually said ‘most women should have tried harder’
But nobody actually has said anything of the sort!

Sorry just read your further posts where you said you didn’t want to breastfeed rather than you physically couldn’t. If you didn’t want to and you made that choice that’s your choice to make and that’s completely up to you. It does seem that you have some severe problems due to this decision though and seems to be affecting you badly. Have you thought about seeing someone about it. A councillor maybe. People stating facts on here are not being cruel or nasty and it’s not healthy for you to be getting so irrationally upset?

I couldn't BF either but have fallen foul of the 'should have tried harder' brigade. 8 years on and it still rankles. There's some sort of competitive suffering going on and the mental well-being of the mother is forgotten amongst all the shouting of 'breast is best'.

To be fair though if they’ve actually said ‘most women should have tried harder’ then you know that doesn’t apply to you as you did everything you could. Sounds like you’re taking it to heart when they’re not even talking about you. Not that it’s any of their business talking about the other women either but the statistics show only 3% of women physically can’t breastfeed (you’re obv within the 3%) and with the correct support a lot of other women would be able to if they wanted to. Genuinely seems like they weren’t even referring to you personally but you’re taking it to heart.

bluedoglead-I honestly don't think you are in a place where threads like this can do you any good at all. You can't start a generalised thread about breastfeeding on the Feminist board and take posts meant generally so much to heart. It's incredibly early days for you and your baby-could you find support on gentler boards?

@JJPP123 - that's a far better response!

Or it the start with "Oh but did you try..."
Ask if they tried minding their own business!

@Bluedoglead - you must ignore other people. You and your baby are in the care of experts. Could you find a stock answer to probing questions? Maybe even "my baby is in the care of experts, including me, I'm not entering into a discussion about XXXX"

“Or telling me here that if I had tried differently ...”

There are many women who might have been able to but if they wanted to if they had tried differently.

You are obviously not one of them.

One cannot doubt the scientific advantages of breast milk but sometimes getting that breast milk to her baby has such a negative effect on mum that the benefits are outweighed.

I completely agree with this but it's an important aspect that's largely ignored. I'm not convinced the health benefits to babies of breastfeeding are more significant than the wider benefits to a baby of having a mentally healthy mother.

@Bluedoglead - I'm not sure you've read past my first few lines in my posts (or me trying to fix my typo). I agree with you about BF. But generally speaking breastmilk is best.

Of courselves women can chose to feed their babies however they want to. But I think there is a distinction between women that "can't" breastfeed because they are not supported to, told they can't because of medication, told they can't because they've got red hair or inverted nipples or they can't have enough milk because baby needs feeding more frequently than every 4 hours - due to myths and misunderstandings and lack of help/support/experience. Than women that can't due to the reasons you have all listed that you couldn't earlier in the thread.

My SIL "couldn't" breastfeed because she didn't have enough milk. Not because her DM and MIL told her she was feeding too frequently and she wasn't allowed to hold her own baby very much because her DF died when she was pregnant and holding the baby cheered up her DM. And then unsurprisingly she had crushing PND and was on anti depressants which meant she "couldn't" feed DC2. Except of course not all medication is contraindicated.

It hurt my best friend to BF. So she "couldn't" feed. She didn't see any trained breastfeeding counsellor or a midwife, her latch was never checked. She had PND.

I would argue that, if both of these women were supported to be able to bf, they would have felt that they had a choice over how to feed their DC, and however they ended up feeding them they would have been happier because it would have been their choice.

Now their daughters - and everyone else who they have preached evangelically to about the fact they "couldn't" breastfeed - thinks breastfeeding is this awful thing that causes PND. And it's not! It's the lack of support for them to make a choice.

More likely to have an allergy to something eaten by the woman providing the milk @JJPP123?

I think if any woman says she can't BF, or doesn't want to BF, then that's the end of the conversation.

If any woman says she'd love to BF, but has been told she can't, and leaves the conversation open for you to have a discussion about it (because in all aspects of parenting, including BFing, there are things that other women have tried thatsometimes work), then have at it.

I do wonder if the thing about not being "believed" about not being able to is that there's an underlying assumption there that the woman saying she couldn't would have wanted to, and it's natural for other women to want to "help" with suggestions, even if that "help" is actually unwanted and distressing.

Unless baby has an allergy or something to the milk of course!

Agree with Sci-fi that breast milk is best but breast feeding may not be. One cannot doubt the scientific advantages of breast milk but sometimes getting that breast milk to her baby has such a negative effect on mum that the benefits are outweighed.

Argh typo that affects meaning it should read "there is no doubt that breastMILK is best for babies" 🤦🏼‍♀️

Because sometimes they have been given the wrong information.

You've missed the point. The OP is saying why can't a woman just say she can't breast feed and the asked be satisfied with her answer. She doesn't need to be educated or questioned. She has a baby to care for, she's stopped BFing and it's too late to start again.
It might be helpful.to query the why's around the can't before the baby is born and then appropriate advice and support can be given but I someone says months after their child has been born that they can't breastfeed it's disrespectful to say oh i don't believe you when you know none of the facts.

@Bluedoglead I think you might misunderstand me. There is. I doubt these breastMILK is best for babies...but you don't have to breastFEED to achieve that.

Milk donation or wet nursing should be options so that any mother who doesn't want to FEED can still give breastMILK.

When donated it can be fed in a bottle and wet-nursing could be an amazing opportunity for some women (and the babies they feed!)

Every women's choice but every women should have more choice. Please re-read my post.