Women who don’t be believed for their reasons not to BF - a feminist issue?

“But you said on the other thread that most women should have tried differently.”

No I didn’t. I said that many women who want to breastfeed take themselves to the point of exhaustion trying- but might have succeeded if they had “tried differently”. Or words to that effect. No should.

“You know that as soon as you say “did you try” or “latest info says” that what you are doing is telling that particular woman that there’s a standard of reason that you deem high enough that she has to reach for you to “approve” her choice?”

But I don’t say that.

I think what is boils down to is that stating you do not believe any women who said she couldn't breastfeed is not a nice stance to take. It's not a helpful stance, particularly when you voice it.“

And you know what? I didn’t say that. But I am obviously completely failing to make myself understood. Maybe I’ll try again later.

The misinformation doesn't have to be directly related to breastfeeding either.

I was told that I shouldn't feed DD to sleep as after her last feed I should wait half an hour, brush her teeth and then put her to bed. This was about 3.5 years ago for a 5 month old baby.

My DH sat with me looking in the mirror while I tried to establish Bfing, helping me to latch. He has been hailed as a hero for that and the MW even remembered it between my first and second baby. It was me with the fucking bleeding nipples. Yet again a man with an ounce of kindness and decency is lauded and I, the woman, am "lucky."

My dad was confused as to how DH could bond with our kids while in the same breath admitting he rarely changed a napp "and never a pooey one if your mum was around"! Those are feminist issues, but help and support has come on a lot in my area even since I had my first 6 years ago.

I think what is boils down to is that stating you do not believe any women who said she couldn't breastfeed is not a nice stance to take. It's not a helpful stance, particularly when you voice it. By the time a woman has found herself unable to feed very few are happy woth the decision, to have another person say if only you had tried a little harder is a massive kick in the teeth. It's not helping anyone. If you need to then absorb that information and maybe advise the woman prenatally with baby number two but for goodness sake don't say to the woman who's gutted she 'had to stop breastfeeds because her milk wasn't good enough that actually it was so she stopped for nothing when she's still feeling fragile over the decision.

I think misinformation is still being given out, within the last 18 months I've been told I can't continue breastfeeding because I had thrush ( by a health visitor ) when i asked about taking anti depressants due to pnd I was told that id have to stop feeding ( by a gp, I saw a different gp and was prescribed ones that were safe to take whilst feeding ) and then told by a midwife i shouldn't still be breastfeeding while pregnant. All misinformation by health care professionals

Friends and family who all successfully bf so believed this stuff as I did; and NHS antenatal bf sessions which spent as much time on "why formula is bad" as "why breastfeeding is good".

And then once I finally gave up and said I was going to be formula feeding, no HCP in the hospital was allowed to give me any help with it or advice about it. I actually did receive a lot of support from the NHS with bf attempts (which I'm grateful for) but everything I know about bottle feeding: best way to hold the baby and the bottle to avoid them swallowing too much air, best ways to burp them, how much to give them, how to sterilise stuff, how you know when to use a faster flowing teat, how to keep supply going enough to still give them some expressed breast milk etc. has all been gleaned from the internet.

"If I'd been properly informed, I wouldn't have struggled on trying to bf to the point it ruined my early weeks with my baby."
Absolutely. Out of interest, where did the "extreme breastfeeding" rhetoric come from?

My mil is in her 70s. My friend is 24.

I picked them deliberately because of the spread of ages.

I profoundly disagree when you say that women are not routinely misinformed. Please don't think I am saying you personally were. I am sure you weren't, and anyway you were obviously in a position to find out what you needed for yourself if necessary. Many women aren't.

The only misinformation I've been given during pregnancy and early motherhood is the anti-formula scaremongering. All ff babies can't help but overeat, you won't properly bond with your baby by bottle feeding, they'll get ill all the time, they'll vomit up half the milk after every feed...and so on. This does not lead to an informed choice either. If I'd been properly informed, I wouldn't have struggled on trying to bf to the point it ruined my early weeks with my baby.

"external factor"-sorry, probably not the best expression.
I meant like my Mil being told by her doctor that she couldn't feed because her milk looked watery. My friend being told she was not going to produce milk because she had none on day 2. The sort of misinformation that women are given routinely.

I'm sorry I'm not making myself clear.

The time in my life where I have experienced the most judgmental, critical, patronising, nasty and bullying opinions and lack of empathy is related to breastfeeding, and 100% of it was from other mothers.
I realise some men have very strong views on breastfeeding, but I didn't encounter any, it was all other women and made me despair.

I believe that she was told that and believes it herself. And unless she says anything further, I believe that on an individual level, it is none of my business

There's lots of issues here, I think. Of course it's entirely inappropriate to ask a woman in a socu situation why she is feeding her baby the way she is. I've never been anywhere in my parenting life where bf beyond a couple of weeks at most is anything but a tiny minority- and being a tiny minority anywhere is uncomfortable. And being the only ff woman when you wanted to bf must be awful.

But we need to get to a state where women can make proper, free, informed choices about feeding. And they can't do that if they are being given crap information. A tiny minority can't. Others don't want to. But there seem to be a significant group who want to, but are led to believe they can't. I have a million anecdotes about the crap information women are given. My mil looking wistfully at her bf daughter and saying "I tried to feed my first, I had lots of milk but it just looked watery and the doctor told me it wasn't good enough" My friend who was told that she had no milk because she had none on day 2. And so on and so on. RL and Mumsnet are full of stories like that. (And I am sure the formula companies are at least partly to blame-but that's another conspiracy thread)
So women need proper information, proper support. And to be in a position to make proper choices. If that choice is "I don't want to" or "This is not compatible with my own needs/my family's needs" then great. But if women are forced into a choice they don't want because of some external factor then not great. And no, of course not every woman/baby can bf. But those that can, and want to should not be short changed by the system.

Incidentally, I am very uncomfortable with the analogy with sexual abuse. But if we are using it, then yes, I would believe any woman who told me she had been abused. I would not necessarily believe a woman who told me she hadn't been.

I get what your saying bluedog. I started the other thread and dont think i articulated myself well but hey ho im not going to go over it hear.

Know one should be made to feel bad about the way they feed their baby. I know i said choice, i also know that for some women it isnt down to choice.

I personally dont like the breast is best for that reason. Yes it has its benefits but so does formula too. I also think its wrong that hcp are not allowed to give out inpartial information in regards to formula. Part of a hcp job is to give you the information so that you can make an informed choice but thats probably for another thread. Maybe if things like this was more transparent, women who dont bf, for whatever reason dont then feel guilty about it and maybe more people who start, would continue.

Im so sorry for what happened to you. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone for not bf, its not their business.