Do these attitudes really still exist?

31 replies

baramewe · 01/01/2018 08:37

Just wanted to get other people's thoughts and experiences. I'm late 20s, married, 1 DC, work part time in a low paid manual job but I have aspirations to do something more with my life and be able to provide for my family not just be reliant on DH. I'm also ambitious just to learn and explore, it's not just about money. I went to uni first time round but it hasn't got me anywhere. I'm now in my 3rd year of a masters degree of a specialised subject I'm passionate about. It's not yet obvious what career it will lead to but I want to keep improving and studying.

Now the reason for this post is my ILs have always quietly had a problem with both my degrees. They've always refused to talk about it, refused to help with childcare (I had DS whilst studying, it was tough but DH and my family have been amazing.) just generally always hated me and I think my education and the fact I have opinions really infuriates FIL. This was one of big factors on us going NC back in the summer.

Now I've just heard from a close friend her DPs family has told them they're not welcome at their house anymore. She's in a good career and also going onto a masters degree next year. Again the reason given was that she was feisty and had opinions- I.e not a doormat. In both cases our partners families have no history of going to uni and I think they look down their noses on those who have been to uni, particularly woman.

Has anyone else experienced prejudice as a result of a woman wanting to study? Can't believe these attitudes still exist in 2018! I keep quiet about my degree when getting to know someone cos I never know how they're going to take it. It's a balancing act trying to fit study in with family life but DH is an equal partner and very supportive. And I'm doing it for DS too, and I just think of all the girls around the world who are fighting to just read and write, and feel so lucky to have the opportunity's we have in this country,

OP posts:

Original poster

baramewe · 01/01/2018 09:59

Thank you for your post wrapped up, very thought provoking but also inspiring to hear from someone who has worked hard and pushed social boundaries and come out the other side. I have plans to do a PhD one day and it helps a lot to know of another woman who has managed it and had a family.

Interesting point on class structure, I get a lot of the feeling of people looking down on those who choose to study. It's why I don't mention my degree a lot of the time but maybe I should. My own family are liberal middle class and very supportive. In the late 60s my grandpa (farmer) stayed at home for a number of years and did all the school runs, tea etc whilst my Granny went out, trained as a social worker and worked. Quite a head of the curve! All the woman in my family are kind and compassionate, hard working and driven. I feel for those who don't have that example to follow and it seems to be rather 'unspoken' that actually woman (particularly mums maybe?) aren't really supposed to have their own hopes and dreams.

OP posts:

Original poster

baramewe · 01/01/2018 09:50

Allison- you have hit the nail on the head there! I would of just disregarded the whole thing as there issue but now it's happened to my friend too I'm wondering if this is something people still think? That woman shouldn't study or want to improve themselves?

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wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 01/01/2018 09:49

I’ve had similar experiences. I think it’s because you are living at the intersection of different social classes. There’s a lot of weirdness around being educated there and not just for women - though women have specific and different problems in this area.
I’m just about to have my PHD viva at the ripe old age of 50. I tried to go to uni at 18 but had to leave due to ill health. I did a BA as a mature student with kids aged 30ish and an MA. If it hadn’t been for my Mum and DH doing a lot of childcare and DH helping support me, not just financially but with encouragement and pride I wouldn’t have got through any of it. To date, no one in my family has wished me luck for my forthcoming exam. (Except DH obv) My two sisters were the first in our family to go to uni. Everyone else in both my family and DH family looks down their noses at educated people. (I’m sorry but I find that so bizarre! How is it a thing that books are not for the working class? Books are for everyone! I think this may be a specifically UK attitude, I know Irish WC intellectuals and also Spanish ones, correct me if I’m wrong) DH family are typical well to do working class, my family are middle with working class roots (self employed/employers)

In my experience, though its officially ok for women to get educated, as another poster said, unofficially, we are not supposed to have needs and dreams of our own. I have found this attitude to be strongest in working class rooted communities. However, because I work in an area heavily populated by proper toffs, I have found that outside the more bohemian, artistic communities this attitude is still strong. Upper middle class women are also put under disapproval pressure to put their own personal development last. To me, this demonstrates there is something specific to women in this that transcends the weird snobbery of anti intellectualism.
I want to say well done to you and any other woman who has got themselves an education. For too long women were barred from university and around the world they still are. Stuff those people who sneer, stuff those people who ignore and discourage us, my education has transformed my life and my self. I always knew there was something wonderful out there and I found it.

ALLIS0N · 01/01/2018 09:06

I’m afraid that these attitudes are endemic in our society . It’s fine for women to get an education as long as it doesn’t interfere with their primary role of serving men by doing all the domestic labour and childcare.

Your IL are pissed off with your because you are not a good enough servant to their son and you have not subsumed your whole life and being to him. This is seen as selfish - you are not supposed to have wants and needs of your own.

Fosterdog123 · 01/01/2018 08:56

They just sound like ignorant tools to be honest. I'm sure there is a sprinkling of mysogeny in there but you're non-contact with them now anyway, so fuck 'em, right!!

ATeardropExplodes · 01/01/2018 08:44

I'd see it as they think you are a threat and will question their total ignorance. Their loss.

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